call me zo

[tiepoloblues]

since I’m 18 now I had to call the hospital myself to get test results and I was simply planning on saying that I had a blood test last week and if I could get the results back but when the woman answered I said “I want my blood back” and hung up the phone, so I’m never trying that again

[rarestandfairest-deactivated201]

I had an ex boyfriend threaten to publish my nudes when we broke up, so I published them myself with his threatening messages and tagged all his friends, relatives and potential new girlfriends. I think the boy still has whiplash from that plot twist.

[floweir-deactivated20180902]

taylor: i was born with glass bones and paper skin,

[floweir-deactivated20180902]

selena: every morning she breaks her legs, and every afternoon she breaks her arms,

[crumbduck]

*choking back tears* wanna fight 

[the-bitch-goddess-success-deact]

men tell their daughters and sisters not to talk to strangers but get pissed when a woman who don’t know them don’t wanna talk to them lmao

[divya-adu]

😭 oop

[bando--grand-scamyon]

…. I just burnt my damn tongue

[bombing]

hey sorry did i wake you? no nothings wrong listen i just called because i was making a midnight omelette and i dropped an egg and it looks just like Ben Franklin. it’s fucking weird dude you gotta check it out. the doors unlocked just let yourself in when you get here

[cuddlecafe]

me as a lawyer: kk that was rude . 

[fassyy-blog]

[plantfunerals]

“…anyway” as an insult is so powerful yet concise

[cyborgsmanifesto]

dealing with the worst case scenario

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome

your house has a gas leak

[4velitta4]

I feel like this could be useful in my future

[gustophersola]

Why do we gotta even change presidents??? Ya know……Obama’s pretty cool,,he can just stay it’s cool please don’t leave us we’re all going to die

[sublime-tranquillity-blog]

so my boyfriend beats his cancer then about a month later my dad gets diagnosed with cancer.... wow

[ithinkthereforeiam99-deactivate]

[shortvideosandstuff]

[omega3]

[coffeemages]

Your daughters do not exist to give you grandchildren

[boarcriminal-deactivated2018052]

when Jesus knew Judas would betray him but invited him to brunch just for the drama of it all