interviewer asked if i thought mario was handsome. he had a mustache so i had to say yes. right? i had to say yes. saying yes was calculated. saying yes was the smart move.
“hell yeah,” i said. the room was spinning.
“i’d fuck the shit out of mario. i’d let him do things to me that weren’t even legal.”
i was overdoing it now but i couldn’t stop. although my mouth was forming words that were coherent, albeit a bit vulgar, the inside of my head was screaming. my mouth was so dry. i needed to stop now.
“i want the pipe.”
he tried to interrupt then. he’d clearly had enough, but i knew that, at that point, i had to keep going. continuing was calculated. continuing was the smart move.
“i want mario to rip me apart. i want him to blend both of my livers and make me drink it. i want him to freeze his semen into an icicle and stab me thousands and thousands of times.”
he told me to stop then. he didn’t so much say it as yell it, which i personally thought was incredibly rude. you don’t yell during an interview. none of the interview youtube videos i’d watched had mentioned any yelling. i wanted to point it out but he seemed a bit agitated, so i made a mental note to send him a polite email after i’d gotten the job.
“that’s quite enough.”
at least he was using his inside voice now.
“peach who?” i said, my voice barely above a whisper. my mouth felt as if it were on fire. i needed water.
“peach who” i croaked.
“that’s what mario’s going to say after i–”
suddenly i began coughing. maybe even dry heaving a little, but he didn’t have to know that.
“–after i fuck his brains out.” i finished.
turns out mario was his son. i must’ve glanced at the family beach photo on his desk one too many times, but only because i was trying to figure out how one man could be so bald. he must have waxed his head. he had to. no human head reflected direct sunlight with such boldness.
he began to talk about how there currently wasn’t a position open. i’d watched enough videos to know that was interview talk. it meant i wasn’t getting hired. i had to think fast. maybe there was still a way i could spin this. if i couldn’t attack from outside, maybe i could still infiltrate from within.
“that’s too bad. but maybe you could tell mario to give me a call sometime?”
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