[catcrumb]

[subtlewitchinghours]

I miss him but i owe it to myself to cease this madness

[subtlewitchinghours]

It’s 7 mins left til 5th of feb ends and I’m 25 today

A bit tipsy from the beer and still grateful for this day.

I initially hated this plan to be at the park again with my relatives and very few of my friends not being able to come. I hated that the person i want to kiss most isn’t here too.

But I’m well fed and i get to play with my kid cousins and I learned to be so grateful despite the pressure I and everyone placed on me.

I feel loved.

[subtlewitchinghours]

my mind has been wandering optimistically and ambitiously these few days

i guess its starting to feel like a huuge relief finally graduating and fooling myself on this degree for almost 10 years

i’ve been digipainting and have been learning so much and i don’t remember enjoying this much or being this eager at all

i’ve even went as far as thinking about wanting to someday put up an art studio company or an entertainment agency that covers gaming designs, fashion and comic books. anything i was particularly passionate about in the arts

i wanted to figure out how to develop that dream in a small scale way as i’m late entering onto my industry slave life which will probably kill and shatter those

but im very dedicated to explore an art style the most

it’s ideally like finding someone to loyally lock yourself into but i’m still in this stage where i’m in love with everything and want a taste of everything

[subtlewitchinghours]

New Year thoughts on my shitty lovelife(s)

I’ve yet to drop Rml, but damn the way he makes me feel loved and lusts over me is so addictive.

I think he still knows the surface me not the real failure but I sometimes have a feeling that if he ever did found out. He’d still accept me, or not. Prolonging this shit was a bad idea because it did fell into deep. I even imagine having sex with him even though his face still makes me uncomfortable.

As for Jms.

God, I don’t know anymore. The love and hopefulness is still there but I barely feel any fucking spark. Sometimes I think about just waiting for it all to die down on his side, again. It was like a mistake to want him so bad when he cheated on me with an awesome girl because it seemed like the wrong way to end us. But now, it’s like I’m getting ready by the month because of this distance and being unsure of the future. I know he’ll breakup with me if we’re LDR, I just know it. We’ve been through a lot but he knows himself that he won’t survive it.

Jd.

Deceiving and optimistic. It also has ending written all over it but maybe it’s still too optimistic to want to end.

[subtlewitchinghours]

Eh fuck

One week after and now I’m talking to him

I’m so fucking weak yo

[subtlewitchinghours]

If he wants me to be strong about this, then fine. I’m trying to be but it’s fucking me up and I can’t trust someone like this again.

I’m being okay with the fact that they’re still something. And what difference does that make if I’m in the process of moving on?

These past month of nothing but mindless fucking and distraction has never brought me any peace. It just distracts me from the truth and throws me down back to the this void of shittiness.

I don’t think we’ll work out. I don’t think I could trust him again when all he ever says is “sorry” and all he ever does is compare to my past fuck up.

I’m better than this. I know my worth. I’m starting to slowly see how I’m really much better than all of this. I deserve better.

[subtlewitchinghours]

finally saw a photo of them wow

[subtlewitchinghours]

So we started talking but I’ve been archived zone and I have to keep my distance if I want to hope on whatever we have. He said he still loved me and he’s hoping but he doesn’t know what the future holds. He doesn’t want to give me anymore false hopes. It’s like he doesn’t even want to hope at all but he doesn’t know what he wants. But all he has right now are these shitty feelings for me that he can’t figure out if it’s all temporary.

I’ve been deeply swallowing the truth of that he replaced me for the sake of his reputation. That I am nothing and that his face to his friends is more important.

And I asked him all the wrong and painful questions.

I CAN IMAGINE THEM KISSING AND HIM SAYING THE WORDS THAT HE USED TO SAY TO ME

It burns like a fucking pit in my soul

[subtlewitchinghours]

Gonna use my ex’s girl that he cheated me with as my wallpaper and fuck the hell out of my psyche

[ink-and-oceans]

“What is all of this? Why do we tiptoe behind walls of insincerity fearing truths that we have long known. We’ve willingly bound ourselves to a game of pretend on the pretense of hope, despite having long given up hope, that our lies might be convincing enough to fool reality. Calmly, we sit behind a glass wall acting as if nobody can see us even when the transparent shards lie at our bleeding feet.”

— tara love

[subtlewitchinghours]

Still crying

Still hurting

I’m imagining them hugging and kissing and being in love and him lying to me that he still chose me.

And how she talks to him

MOTHERFCKER

[subtlewitchinghours]

I hope i did a good job fucking off because that’s what you want

Because it makes your life easier

[subtlewitchinghours]

I still think about it alot and how much it hurts

[subtlewitchinghours]

So I didn’t know that I was such a shitty girlfriend that I didn’t deserve a proper breakup

SO MUCH LIES

I have nothing but rage

[allbusybees]

forgive yourself. whether you fail a test, eat too many cookies, say the wrong thing, fail a class, or spend a whole day in bed — learn to forgive yourself. the next day will be better. the next day will be a day closer to your next success. you can do it.

[subtlewitchinghours]

He tweeted “miss you”

I was wrong to think that it’s about me

I couldn’t help but cry anyway