It’s been about two years I’ve been trying to navigate the climate that is having a social media platform with such a wide reach. I try very hard to preach a positive message and lead a good example. I’ve tried to take this new life that is having money and a voice and use those things to support the charities and causes and people I believe in. The problem is, I use social media just like everyone else. Twitter didn’t suddenly become different for me when I got “famous”. I still tweet my thoughts and wish I could delete them but unlike you, when I tweet something it’s seen and judged and duplicated immediately across the keyboards of millions of people. When I came out about the things that have plagued me such as my bipolar disorder, or my miscarriage, or my endometriosis, I did it because I wanted people to know they aren’t alone and I hoped to take the most awful experiences of my life and shine a positive light on them. But every time I share a piece of myself I wish I could rip it back immediately and coddle it close and protect myself. Every single day I sign into social media and hope to talk to fans and get to know my listeners better and snoop around for funny memes and interesting news and instead I sign in to pictures of bloody fetuses, jokes about hoping I’m infertile, suicide wishes, some of the most heinous shit I’ve ever seen. And I try not to let it get to me but after a while it starts to add up. I’m a person just like you, and I don’t deserve to have my skeletons mocked and abused under your microscope. I didn’t “ask for this” when I started making music. I asked to be able to share my art and share myself with people who will understand. I’m perfectly capable of taking criticism and believe me, after being the source of every hate trend, meme, trolling for so long I’ve gotten very very good at it. But gory, hateful, almost inhumane attacks are not something I’m equipped to handle. It’s torture. I’m just as tired as you are of the back and forth between my hiatuses from twitter to my returns to the drama to the hiatuses; a vicious cycle. I am so fortunate to have social media to thank for my career as it gave me the opportunity to connect with my fans in a way that is so unique and intimate and personal and honestly unlike any fan experience I’ve personally had as a music lover with any other artist. I want to keep those beautiful relationships alive but right now I’m sitting in my bed, 8 days into recovery from a couple painful surgeries and it’s not good for my health to be reading this stuff or getting myself stressed about it. Maybe I’m going crazy from being inside/in bed for so long and it’s making me more irritable or sensitive. Maybe I just actually am crazy and I let parts of my mental illness slip through the cracks and make me an alarmist. Make me a drama queen. Make me too sensitive. Too extra. Whatever it is I know it can’t continue, and in the spirit of being as honest as I’ve always been with you guys I bring you this message. I don’t want to become cold and resentful as I’ve seen so many of MY favorite artists do. I don’t want to be forced to numb myself from everything in an effort to stop the pain, because then I won’t feel the good either. And god do I want to feel the good. You are all so special to me and an incredible positive light amongst a hateful dialogue. So thank you. I’m not taking a another “break” or going anywhere. But I know I just can’t do this anymore. Whatever that means I have to change or do. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
janainaart
dailybridgerton
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
annaxmalina
prguitarman
gummygunk
