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# finale ༉‧ to forgive or forget

smau masterlist

✧ ｡ synopsis : though hajime has reassured you time and time again that you two attending different schools would be plenty manageable in your guys’ relationship, your imagination is left to wander when he slowly begins to ghost you.

જ — a/n : i think it’s very characteristic of me to post the finale off schedule 😭😭 but after a long ride, we’ve reached the end… or have we?

the only reason why you wanted first say in what you two were going to be discussing was solely because you didn't trust the determination written clear on his face. it held you a bit on edge, yet he showed no reaction to your uneasiness. maybe he was expecting this, but it was all the more reason why you needed to get what you wanted to say in first.

unfortunately, you didn't have much in mind you wanted to say. either way, you were at a loss. "i don't know if i've put into words just how confused you've made me since... all of this started," you began, taking it slow for your own sake—some extra time for thoughts to process. hajime kept his mouth sealed shut, but by the looks of his shaky hands folded together in front of him on the table, he still had jittery nerves. that gave you some relief. you needed at least some control in this situation.

"i would've never thought of me moving schools as anything long distance. we're literally in the same prefecture. you drove me to karasuno everyday! i could easily see you every weekend, and you know i'd always be happy to cancel other events to be with you. you've been the one for me for as long as i can remember. i don't know why that changed." once the ball started rolling, you needed to be honest with yourself, and with him. this conversation should've happened long ago—at least it's better than never. you felt strangely brave in that moment, being able to open up about everything you had been thinking about. even if you hadn't prepared everything properly, at least you had enough in you to give him a piece of your mind.

"i understand that me switching schools for our last year may have been hard on you," you continued, keeping your eyes firmly glued to his. "i missed seeing you everyday. i was also guilty of missing being able to see your face at any given moment. but at least i knew that if i missed you, all i had to do was take out my phone and send a text, or even call. i'd be able to hear from you, just like that. i'd be able to tell you that i miss you, and we'd go out together until the evening. we could do that as many times as you needed, hajime. i wanted to be able to see you everyday. we could've made that happen, and you know that just as well as i do."

"i know that now," you heard him murmur under his breath, a deep sigh escaping his lips. "i came to that understanding too late."

"i wouldn't have even cared about your so-called family friend of yours." that wasn't completely true—you'd still make sure that nothing would happen between the two, but of course you would never restrict him from seeing people. but now that you knew just how vile someone could be, you had every right to be even more on edge. "all you had to do was talk to me, hajime. communicate. the same thing we've done for countless years, even before we started going out. all i wanted was for you to trust me. tell me that you're worried, concerned about us. tell me how you're feeling. i don't care if you seem overly clingy or possessive or whatever bullshit excuse you want to spew. you're not perfect. i know that, because i'm not perfect either."

you caught yourself beginning to raise your voice. heads began to turn, causing you to pause for a moment. iwaizumi sat with shock in his features, both impressed and fearful of all you've said so far. whatever thoughts were running through his brain, he'd have to wait his turn to dish out everything he wanted you to know. this was your moment. you deserved this, more than anyone.

"you're not perfect," you repeated, "and neither am i. you always remind me that even with my imperfections, i was worthy of love. your love. but you never let me say that it goes the same way for you, too."

"y/n..." he started off with your name, but you held up a hand to interrupt.

"but this goes beyond imperfections," you continued, getting past your first round of thoughts. "this goes beyond mistakes, beyond little quirks that i could easily skim over. you went behind my back because of your insecurities, and regardless if you understood what you were doing or not, you began pursuing someone who wasn't me. i don't know if you'd consider it cheating, but you betrayed my trust. you lied to me, hajime. who knows what would've happened if i never ended up finding out the way i did? would i be sitting here having this conversation with you right now? maybe i'd be sitting at home, crying into my pillow that i never knew how you were feeling because you never tried reaching out to me."

"i never realized just how much..." iwaizumi spoke up softly, his lips pressed together in between phrasing. "i didn't know that this affected you so much. i'm really, truly sorry. i don't know how many times i have to say it, but i'll say and do anything to prove it."

"that's not the point, hajime. that's not my point at all." you snapped at him, causing him to stop anything else he was going to say next. "i know you're sorry, you don't have to spell it out for me. you proved that to me the last time we spoke like this. i've known you long enough to figure out when you're honest and when you're not."

"then what is the—"

"my point is that your actions now reflect our outcome in the future." after weeks of beating around the bush, this was it. this had to be it. this is what you needed to tell him. "this is small scale, hajime. nothing about this is long distance. so what would happen if we actually tried? you're going abroad, i know you've had your eyes set on america. i'd never stop you, but what's going to happen then? to us? could we really handle distance on an international scale? international. it won't be just not seeing each other outside of school hours. we won't be able to see each other, ever."

"i know." he nodded. "i've thought about it, a lot."

"it's going to take more than just thinking about it to actually do something about it," you retorted. "i want to believe that we'd do okay, but as far as things turned out, obviously i was wrong. more than wrong."

"do you know where we stand, then?" iwaizumi stared at you long and hard, his eyes holding no malice yet steeled, searching in yours for answers. "how do you feel about us?"

simple words, yet you paused. any rhythm you had dissipated into thin air, now that he was backing you into a corner about the one thing you were supposed to be thinking about since taking time away from reaching out to one another. any conclusion you could've reached was much harder than you anticipated. to drop your first love would be putting yourself first, and would certainly be the right thing to do, would it not?

would it really be that easy to never see hajime again? to drop everything you two had?

"i don't know." your eyes drifted to the floor below your booth, twiddling your fingers in between your lap. "i don't know, i want to make the right decision and not regret it. but i’ll end up having regrets either way.”

"y/n, please look at me." his voice was tender, and you listened to him. hajime looked at you with a smile, but you saw the sadness pooling within the emeralds of his eyes. "for your sake, make the right decision. you know what it is. if you can't make that decision, i think it's best if i make that decision for you."

your heart dropped to your stomach. what?

"hajime," you breathed, sitting up straighter. you felt chills run down your spine as he, too, sat up straighter—as if preparing himself. "what are you—"

"while you did some reflecting," he began, "i, too, was doing some thinking about myself, and how i could provide in our relationship. but clearly, i haven't been doing anything for our relationship. quite the opposite."

you couldn't process what he was trying to say. he had taken over the spotlight. "i didn't know i'd react so badly to you not being with me," he continued, watching your panicked silence, "and acted immaturely. it was a moment of weakness i could've easily talked to you about, but i thought that i'd be selfish by adding more to your plate by pushing my problem onto you. that was wrong of me, and i know that now. i always tell you to put your problems on me when you need someone to lean on, yet i always forget that it should be a two way street."

"where are you... where are you going with this?"

this wasn't what you had in mind at all. watching hajime iwaizumi understand the full weight of his actions, and forcibly trying to make things right by...

no. he's not really going to...?

"i didn't want to come to this decision. i knew that i would get hurt, and you as well. i really, really didn't want to do this." he pressed his lips together, swallowing a nervous lump in your throat. you felt your stomach arise angrily like crashing waves, feeling queasy and sick to the gut. "but after talking to someone about this, i realized that even if i made up with you—and by some miracle, have a second chance—i don't know how i'd be able to handle being in a different country, time zone, environment."

talking to someone. a realization popped into your head.

"suga," you whispered. "you talked to him?"

hajime's eyes widened slightly, before slowly nodding his head. "i did."

"what did he say?"

"things that should've been common sense." he paused momentarily. "if i asked for a second chance now, i know i'd end up blowing it in a matter of a few months. i originally wanted to ask for a second chance, but after reaching out to him and doing some more thinking, i realized that asking for a second chance now would not benefit either of us. you especially."

the more you listened to him speak, the more you felt like crawling out of your skin. it was an out of body experience—something you wanted to run away from. "hajime, i don't know what you're trying to say."

"yes you do, y/n. i know you better than that."

"please," you then pleaded, your eyes in a frenzy and your breath panicky. "please tell me what you're trying to say."

there sat your boyfriend, his eyes watery and his hands clenched tightly into fists as to not cause a scene. he was right—you saw this coming. even from miles away, you knew it was over.

"i don't deserve a second chance," he mumbled, any energy devoid from his body. "i don't deserve you, not with how i've been acting since you've switched schools. i'm not ready for a long distance relationship, and i'd hurt you. since the beginning, that's the last thing i ever want to do, but all i've done since this year started is hurt you, even if it was never my intention."

the words echoed. ringing in your ears like a blow horn. whatever nightmare this was, you wanted out. but no matter how hard you could pinch yourself, you wouldn’t wake up from reality.

"this means... we’re really breaking up for good, aren’t we?"

now that you said it, it was like it had been manifested into reality. neither of you liked the sound of it—with all the time you spent together, even when you two were just friends, it was always you two against the world. the natural click you and hajime bonded over was something soulmates wished they had. the two young children who could spend hours alone and talk about every corner of the world would've never been able to guess a simple school change would be the end of something beautiful.

“i believe that time away from each other would be best,” he responded after a moment’s hesitation. “for both of us.”

you really didn’t know how to properly react. truthfully, you would’ve been able to react better to him begging for a second chance—not him pursuing a break up. you should’ve been on board with this.

this was the conclusion you were thinking of, weren’t you?

was there a part of you that would’ve overruled your better judgement and taken him back?

“i really wish it didn’t have to be this way,” you admitted, feeling your stomach churn in storms. you really didn’t—he hurt you, but he never had ill intentions. it was a series of unfortunate events that occurred one after the other. you cursed the universe for putting you in such a predicament.

“i have one more thing to say,” he added, watching as you hesitated on standing up. “and i want you to answer truthfully. please.”

what else was there to say? everything was already said and done. one more minute spent here and you’d probably break down—something you really weren’t in the mood to do.

“hajime, i don’t know what else—”

“you never let me answer your question,” he intercepted, carefully reaching a hand out to stop you from leaving. “i want to follow up on that.”

one last thing, you thought to yourself. at this point, you’d had enough. you glanced at tooru out the window, who had his back against the two of you. you envisioned yourself sprinting out the door and into his arms, wanting nothing more than to just escape. leave.

“one last thing, hajime.” the pain in your voice was clear. “then i think it’s best to go our separate ways.”

“you asked if we were breaking up for good,” he then responded. “and i only responded with that it would be best for us to spend time away from each other. for each of our sakes.”

“you did.” that was obvious enough. “i don’t know where you’re going with this.”

he reached out his hand on the table, palm facing upwards. an invitation for you to place your hand in his. your heart lurched out of your chest.

“i love you, y/n. i really do.” you looked into his eyes and felt your stomach flutter. you knew hajime, and that all-knowing look in his eyes—he meant every word. “i will work to better myself. i swear it. you may not believe me now, but i’ll live up to that promise—not just for your sake, but for myself as well.”

a dramatic confession. what a way to get the waterworks going. and as you lifted a hand to your eye, you noticed it was working.

“in the near distant future, if we happen to cross paths again one day—i want to know, truthfully—” you held your breath, and he spoke his next few words with a puffed chest.

“will you give me another chance?”

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