Suicidal Feeling

22. College student. Still unsure of the future.

[suicidalfeeling]

I crave the small intimate moments of holding your hand as we walk through a crowd. I crave the moments where you gently place your hand on the small of my back to guide me. I crave the moments where we sit down next to each other to eat and our thighs are touching or you have your hand around my waist. I crave those quiet moments when you’re driving and I can just look at you for as long as I want. I crave those moments when you just kiss me in public claiming me as yours.

Why do those moments feel more intimate than when we share our bodies with each other?

I hate how much I think about you because it makes me wonder if you think about me just as much.

[audreyandromedablog]

I wish I can skip to the time where I don’t miss you anymore.

— Audz.

[suicidalfeeling]

I know giving you my body won’t make you fall in love with me and yet I continue to do it. I know lust isn’t love but I delude myself in the moment. In that moment you are all mine and I am yours. I pretend that you love me too and I give all of myself to you. In that moment I pretend the lust in your eyes is love. The way you pull me in your arms when you see me. Your arms wrap around me so tightly like you’re trying to convey just exactly how much you missed me. And everytime I inhale your scent into my lungs and my body just relaxes. That feeling of being weak in the knees is a feeling I know very well. Whenever we’re lounging on the couch of the bed you always pull me in close and tightly. My favorite part is when you place a kiss on my shoulder. It feels so endearing. You’ve always made it so easy for me to be myself. You make me want to act like a child and be babied.

And when we get intimate, I always want more. The way your hands grip my waist. How you talk in my ear telling me how much of a good girl I am for taking it. The way you make out with me while you’re still inside of me. The way you just grab my whole body and rail me. You always make sure I finish. And when we’re done you always clean me up and then give me cuddles.

The cuddles. You always nuzzle me a bit when we get settled. I like hearing your heart beat. I like the feeling of your arms wrapped around me tightly. I like drifting off in your arms. You always place kisses on my back and my head and my cheek. You make me feel like you would never let anything hurt me. Ironic isn’t it? You make me feel that way and yet you’re the one who is hurting me.

I want to let you go so badly and walk away but the mere thought of living a life without you makes my heart feel like it’s being ripped to shreds.

I know you will never choose me, so why can’t I move on?

[suicidalfeeling]

How do you unlove someone who felt like home?

[suicidalfeeling]

He came over to see me today after his band rehearsal. It was late and I could tell he was tired. He laid down in my bed and opened his arms to welcome me in. I happily snuggled in.

Everytime we’re like this, my heart aches a little. He leans in to give me a gentle kiss on my forehead and we just chit chat about how our days went. We laugh and joke around.

In my head I always wonder how he can be intimate with me and show me all this tenderness but not want anything more.

In his arms is my favorite place to be. Laying my head on his chest and hearing the thumping of his heart beat. It quiets my mind. I tilt my head up a little so I can see his face. One thought comes to mind as I look at him—I love this man. I can feel my eyes starting to sting. The tears start to well up, so I lift my head and give him a quick peck before I turn myself away from him.

His arms wraps around me tightly and pulls me close to him. My back pressed against his body. He gently places a kiss on my shoulder and lays his head on me. He makes me hopeful that he feels the same way as I do. I soon hear his gentle snores and I start to drift off.

I wish I could be in his arms like this every night.

He gently kisses my head and wakes me up. I check the time and it’s been about 15 minutes. He tells me he has to head out soon. I make a groaning noise and he places a kiss on my shoulder once more. He asks me what’s wrong and I tell him I don’t want him to leave. Maybe he thinks it’s cute that I don’t want him to leave because he laughs a little and pulls me in tighter. Another kiss on my shoulder and then my neck and then my head before he gets up to leave. I look at him one last time before I get up too. I throw my arms around him to hug him and he pulls me in and hugs me so tightly my back pops. We stay like that for a minute and he starts to sway us. I finally tilt my head up to look at him and he leans down to kiss me. He lets go and we walk to the door.

He unlocks the door to leave and I tug on his arm for one last kiss. He turns around and kisses me. I wait until he turns the corner before I close my door.

Every parting always leaves my heart aching. I love this man so much but I know he’ll never reciprocate. He’s shown me time and time again and yet the hope is loud.

I love you, N.

[suicidalfeeling]

I told myself this is it. If we don’t work out this time, I will let go of you. I pray this is the universe where we get to stay together—forever.

[bunniestfemme-deactivated202506]

i crave intimacy a lot but not even in a sexual sense. i want lingering hugs, i want to be able to bite you whenever i want, i want to cuddle up with someone like i cuddle up with my plushies, i want to smother someone in kisses, i want to lay together and talk about anything that interests my partner or just do some form of parallel play where you do your own thing and i do my own thing but i still enjoy the intimacy of just being in each other’s company!

[suicidalfeeling]

In the middle of March, I finally got to see you in person. You came over and helped me put a mattress frame together.

I had so many feelings come up when I opened that fire and saw you standing there.

It had been 6 months since I had last seen you in person. My heart missed you so much. You looked tired but you still looked how I remembered you. Oh god I still loved you. I wanted to throw myself into your arms in that moment but I just led you to my room and you got to work. I wanted to sneak a picture so I could keep it forever but I didn’t want to get caught. I just watched you the whole time while we were chit chatting. I missed the way your voice sounded. I missed your laughter. I missed you.

When it was all done you helped me throw the trash out and finally told me the reason you broke up with me a year ago. I was shocked but through the shock I still wanted to be with you. All my love and affection didn’t change despite what you told me. I could tell you were nervous because you didn’t know how I would react. In the end I told you I was still processing it but that I wanted to sit down and just hold your hand. You agreed to it. So we sat down leaning against the wall and I held your hand to me. I had missed the way your touch would calm me. I laid my head on the back of your hand. You told me it was time for you to go. I walked you out and we hugged so hard at your car. It was your usual hug where you hug me so tight my back pops. I didn’t want to let go of you. You pulled back a little and you finally kissed me. Just a peck but it meant everything to me. Another two or three kisses and we parted ways. You drove off and I was left standing there watching you drive away.

I ran back to my apartment and I cried. I knew I would keep crying if I was left by myself so I invited my friend over.

[suicidalfeeling]

I never expected anything in return for loving you.

I just wanted you to be happy even if it meant it was without me.

My requests for your good nights and good mornings voice messages was just to give me a false sense of security. Even though I knew it would never amount to anything more. I kept myself in that delusion to comfort my own heart.

It’s been a year since you broke up with me and I feel like I don’t love you any less than I did a year ago.

I think moving on means accepting a future without you and I don’t know if my heart will ever truly want that.

I miss you so much, N.

[suicidalfeeling]

I want that « I’ll find you in every life time » kind of love.

[feelingsoftheday]

nothing hurts more than losing a bond with someone you thought was for a lifetime.

[suicidalfeeling]

I’ve convinced myself that even though we broke up almost a year ago, still being able to talk to you is better than no contact at all.

I know deep down inside I’m just prolonging the hurt. I’m preventing my healing. How can I heal when I keep going back to the very thing that hurts me? But the idea of being without you seems excruciating. The mere thought of no longer being able to reach you makes my heart ache. If it aches this much at an idea, how painful will it be when it does happen?

I still love you too much to let go right now.

[inanotherunivrse]

in another universe I’m sleeping on your chest while you play with my hair

[vaniilabeans]

Call me , say that you miss me

[feelingsoftheday]

The worst thing is loving someone who isn’t ready for a relationship, but who gives you hope and keeps you around to feel a need for attention.

[suicidalfeeling]

It’s almost been a year since you broke up with me and all I can still think about is you.

Maybe you never intended to be in this for the long run but you did make me feel loved. You convinced me that love is real. I’ll be forever grateful.

It might be insane of me to say this but I would repeat it all over with you to experience you again. Despite the fact that you broke my heart, all I can think about were the good memories. Your laughter. Your touch. Your humor. Your gentleness. Your patience. I miss it all.

I’m doubtful this will ever reach you, but I love you, N. I don’t know if there will ever be anyone after you. My heart is convinced that it will only ever want you.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness.

Forever yours,

J.

[ricchsmoove-deactivated20250602]

Once I like you, everything you do hurt my chest