[sunmandalas]

#166

It's selfish of you to decide that you are now done with this conversation without allowing me to finish speaking my piece.

[sunmandalas]

#165

I feel stuck.

[sunmandalas]

#164

What's the point? That's the point of saying that I feel like shit everytime you ignore me. Everytime I say something that you only answer with silence afterwards? What's the point of saying that I feel like a burden and you only hang out with me because you live with me? What's the point? Nothing is going to change anyways and I'll just make you feel bad so...?

[sunmandalas]

#163

Getting drunk alone with people who said they would with you who than don't has got to be one of the worst feelings

[sunmandalas]

#162

Sometimes I just wanna remind people that they really don't have to be my friend if they don't want to. Id rather that than feel like they're forcing themselves to cater to me and my whims.

I just hate the palatable strain when you and your boyfriend are out sitting with me but then when you guys recede to your room, it's loud and lively in there.

Why even force yourself? Why even try? I just feel even worse for feeling like extra baggage you gotta pull along.

[sunmandalas]

,,

[sunmandalas]

#161

The awkward moment when you feel like you're holding your friend hostage when you ask them to hang out with you.

[sunmandalas]

Feeling a bit empty this birthday. Hopefully this weekend I can drink that feeling away.

[sunmandalas]

#160

“You'd be amazed! Surprised! 

You've never had it where the second you did one thing people don't want you to do, they hate you for it! It's amazing. Dazzling even. 

How much people don't care the second you don't do what they want. 

I'm sorry, but you guys aren't immune from this either. The second I did something relatively unusual or unexpected or upsetting, I've found myself apologizing to you both.. The only time I found attention is when I practically beg for it and then I hate myself for it afterwards. HATE! I grovel in it. I can't stand myself of it. I try to be reasonable. No one is reasonable for me. No one bends to make me happy. 

I made a tweet about how I had I fucking panic attack after finally admitting all this shit to you guys and then Harmony came out and you know what! I acted like nothing happened. And I was quiet. And she eventually left and is back on her computer and is back with her friends and laughing with people who actually admit their grievances to her. 

And she tells me about it but she's understanding to them. She works to make them better. Works to understand them. She told me how she tries to help them with things she's upset with. But the second she's upset with something I do, it's not something to work towards. It's something to be upset about that won't be fixed until I'm apologizing and repentant and try and fix myself over. 

I love you guy and I miss you so fucking much but you've never made this better either and it's the fucking worst. That I feel like I always have to be the one apologizing or I would lose your friendship. I want to be selfish once in my life without fucking losing everything. 

I'm sorry for fucking dumping this all on you at once and I know you guys have your own goddamn lives and don't need some worthless shit like me in your life but at this point, I just fucking wish to leave at least a scar in people's life because I can't do anything better than that because everyone leaves me after having to show even an ounce of sympathy or forgiveness or hardship or work or something to work towards being friends with me. 

I know my friendship isn't anything to be excited about. I was never a great friend. I complain when I shouldn't. I'm opinionated. I have a strong personality that's hard to get along with. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have a hard time showing how much I hurt when it hurts without fucking blowing up, making it seem like it's out of nowhere. 

But I'm tired. I'd rather just fucking loose everyone like I did in high school for being myself then to keep acting like I'm some fucking saint who isn't effected by anything. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. 

I did that so people would like me better but it's made it easier for people to step all over me and I know it's hard to keep the friendship going with how far we all are now, but,,, I'm tired. I want people who actually like me. I want people who want to fight for me. But that's asking for too much.  

I tried to make it obvious but then I hate myself for it and I'm just,, tired. I'd rather just be myself by myself than keep doing something that upsets me in the end. I want to be selfish once for myself without it turning into absolute shit but that's obviously asking for too much. 

I Love you both to depths i can't even comprehended, but I know I'm asking for a lot out of tonight. I know you guys have your own lives now. 

Don't worry about me. I'm just,, so tired. I want you guys to be happy. And I don't think I can keep being like this. Messaging out of no where where I try to keep the friendship going. 

I'm so just.... upset. Tired. I work hard but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I hate asking for more. I don't what you guys to think any different, so I want to reiterate that I love you both so fucking much but,, I have grievances. I have things I never allowed myself to reconcile. 

I want to be better to myself but its hard. I don't think I'll talk much in the future. I love you both so much, but I'm tired. I want more, I know that'd asking too much. It's selfish. I only have you guys, Harmony and sometimes Soulmate. It's not a lot. So it's asking a lot to deal with me. 

I'm sorry. 

I know I'm not being fair

I'm sorry, thank you for listening. You both have been the best thing that happened to myself in this life. I love you both “

[sunmandalas]

#159

I have such a deep rooted sense of self that feels so insignificant and worthless and not worth anyone's time that even just daydreaming about actually venting to my friends every time I feel worthless or worried or stressed or bothered and they respond with a loving tone, a positive reply that doesn't make me feel little for feeling the way I do and that it's fine and okay, a reassurance that you'd never be a bother, is cathartic. Just imagining it happening is almost too good to be true..

I want.. to feel safe enough to say these things.. to just spread as much love as I want to for my friends.. to feel like I would receive the same love I would show them if the roles were reversed.. i just don't think I'm there. I don't know if I ever will. My mind always interrupts and reminds me that this is real life. That you can't expect your friends to actually care. They have their own lives, their own problems. You're just there to let them vent. You can't go seeking attention, especially not at this point, since you never did it before.

They'll ask, why now? Why are you seeking validation now when you never needed it before? Why are you faking this? Why are you making things up now? And how could I even begin to explain that this is just how its always been? But I've just convinced myself that I'm not worth unconditional love. That there no such thing, that I make excuses for my friends even before they do.

I want to be selfish.. but that. Its.. i can't do it. I know it wouldn't work out.

I miss my friends. I miss.. going out. I want.. more.

I don't want to have a breakdown on my birthday but I guess I don't get to pick when those happen.

[sunmandalas]

#158

You told me recently that you recognized my lonliness. That you felt smothered. That you started to go out of your way to be out of the house.

And god, did that hurt. I know. I know you have to take care of yourself first. But. I even confided in you. Told you how lonely i felt. Did you think that was easy?

And to hear that you... i dunno. Did the opposite of help? Its... a lot.

I know. I know it's not your responsibility to take of of my sadness. But have i ever asked anything of you?

I think you take my kindness for granted. I don't think you fully inderstand the scope of the generosity I've provided.

But im the asshole if i say as such.

I'm doing better, i think. I'm doing more. I haven't thought about this blog in a while.

Ethereal is visiting soon. Every time i think about it, my chest tightens with the full force of my excitement. I don't think I've missed someone so much.

[sunmandalas]

#157

Im tried of feeling like this.

Im tried of feeling so alone. Work's made it a bit bearable, but the loneliness only subsides when I'm working too much, and overworking myself brings upon a different kind of sadness.

Is there really no between where I'm happy?

You said you'd be coming home tonight, but you didn't. I know you got your own shit to sort out but... i wish you'd prioritize me, even in a small way. I even let you know... i told you i was lonely.

I knew i shouldn't have. It hasn't changed a goddamn thing and all it did was let you know that I have these feelings.

All I want is Happiness. All I want is to be warm and happy. Is that really too much to ask for?

I realized that when I imagine letting people know how i actually feel, I always start the sentance with "if I'm going to be completely honest," isn't that sad?

Do I really lie about my well being that much? Yeah... yeah I do.

[sunmandalas]

#156

You dont think i know or understand depression. And yeah, maybe I don't. Maybe I've been lying to myself when I've buried my emotions so deep that not even i can make out if I literally can't force myself to get out of bed or to do anything remotely productive or talk to the people I want to talk to is something im just am or something thats holding me back. I call myself lazy. I excuse it off. I convince myself that its not that bad. That this is just how it is.

How am i even supposed to bring up the fact that i think im depressed when you are so open about yours. How am i suppsoed to tell you that I'm no stranger to the idea of feeling so worthless that you can't even ask for help or reassurance or even get slightly needy for attention when you tell me "i know you might not understand but"

And I feed into it. I feed into the lie that i dont understand. That I don't struggle with actually doing something with my life.

Because I cant. How can i?? How can i beg for attention when I'm the 'strong' friend? How can i show any negative emotion when everyone's convinced you deal with these things naturally. That you dont feel it. That you aren't allowed to cry, or dwell, or feel.

I want to feel. I want people to know i feel. But.

But then that would be begging for attention. That would be forcing people to pay attention to you. That would be selfish. That would be showing that you're no longer low commitment. That the few people that you've actually been able to hold on to would have to put in effort for you, which will just push them away.

Im lonely. Fuck, I'm so lonely.

What am i supposed to do about it tho?

[roundtop]

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear so immediately that the two of you, on some level, belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you’re in love or creating things together or foxhole buddies or partners in crime. It’s so clear, right off the bat, that this is what you’re supposed to be doing, that this is what you’re for. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest of circumstances, and they help you make a life. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but. It definitely makes me believe in something.

[sunmandalas]

#155

I always cry silently

But that night,, god as I wailed, the only thought that cut through was how good it felt to just be loud, so loud about my sadness. It felt so good

[sunmandalas]

#154

Im swirling, dizzy

[sunmandalas]

#153

I'm lonely