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@sunnyzaideuppp
Lord,
How long?
How long will I be this miserable?
How long will I keep on missing him?
How long will I love him?
How long will I shed tears for him?
How long will I ask myself these questions?
Because I’ve been in this journey for so long and I can’t seem to find the end of it.
Akala ko talaga magtutuloy-tuloy na ‘yung moved on stage ko sakanya. Pero pucha, bakit back to namimiss at laman na naman ng panaginip tayo? Hindi ko alam bakit hanggang ngayon para bang may magnet na nakakabit sa ‘kin at patuloy na hinahatak ako sakanya.
Ako ‘yung tipo ng taong madaling ma-offend at mapagtanim ng galit. Kung ano-anong masakit na salita ang narinig ko sakanya. Pero bakit hindi ko magawang kamuhian siya? Bakit hindi ko magawang ibaon sa lupa ‘yung pagmamahal ko sakanya? Eh kung sakanya na nga mismo nanggaling na hindi na nga niya ako mahal, di ba. Na hindi naman daw ako ang unang naiisip niya tuwing paggising sa umaga. Na hindi naman daw ako ang para sakanya. Na care na lang ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. Na sana noong unang break-up pa lang, hindi na siya bumalik.
Nakaka-putangina, ngayong naaalala ko lahat ng mga sinabi niya, bumabalik na naman ‘yung mga luha ko. Pucha, gustong-gusto ko nang maka-move on. Gustong-gusto ko nang makawala. Lahat na naman ginagawa ko. Nagpunta pa ako ng Canada, nagbakasyon ng Pilipinas, dumalaw sa Qatar, walang tinanggihang roadtrip ng barkada, nagsimulang mag-aral ng Cinema Production, sinubukang magkagusto at mahumaling sa ibang lalaki (ang ending nandiri lang ako sakanya nung nag-kiss kami sa panaginip ko), bumalik na sa pagsusulat sa Wattpad. Ano pa ba? Kailangan ko bang mag-jowa na ulit para lang makalimutan na siya? Tangina.
Nakakapunyeta lang din naman paminsan ‘tong feelings ko eh, ano. Akala ko ba naka-move on na tayo sakanya? Eh bat magmula last week parating siya ang laman ng panaginip? Eh bat magmula last week walang araw na hindi siya namiss? Lapit na mag-dalawang taon oh. Tangina.
Maybe it’s not him that I miss...
Maybe it’s the way someone used to
touch me,
hold me,
kiss me.
Maybe it’s the way I used to
caress someone’s face,
trace someone’s curves from his nose to his lips,
look on someone eye to eye,
have someone’s face so close to mine I can feel his breathing.
Maybe it’s not him that I miss...
But the warmth of a touch and a kiss...
Maybe it’s not him that I miss...
Is the thought I keep on repeating to myself tonight that I feel so alone.
I wish I could find friends here tulad ng set of friends ko sa Pinas. Actually, apat lang naman talaga ang malapit na kaibigan ko sa Pinas, na naging tatlo na lang bago ako lumipad papunta dito. Namimiss ko na sila sobra. ‘Yung mga simpleng hang-out namin at overnight tapos inom at kwentuhan solve na kami. Tapos mag-fafangirl kami at kikiligin either sa kpop stars o sa character ng story ko. Dito sa mga kaibigan kong ‘to naramdaman ko na mutual talaga kami. Syempre hindi mawawalan ng differences, pero na-cocomplement ito ng isa’t isa. Hindi ko ‘yun matagpuan dito. Gusto ko ng may ka-fangirl ulit. Gusto ko ng may kakwentuhan at ka-brainstorm ulit habang kinikilig sa susunod na chapter na isusulat ko. Gusto ko ulit ng kaibigan na nagkakaintindihan kami sa madaming bagay.
Tranquility.
Types of Writers
Writer 1: The writer that never sleeps
Writer 2: The writer who sold their soul
Writer 3: The writer who kills everyone
Writer 4: The writer who doesn’t know what happens next
Writer 5: The writer who researches every tiny detail
Writer 6: The writer who forgets what they’re writing
Writer 7: The writer who never writes
Writer 8: The writer who edits as they write
Writer 9: The writer who disappears for 1.5 years
Writer 10: The writer who is never heard from again
So which one are you?
4, 6, 7, 10
What a bad writer I am.
So I’m currently trying to go back to Wattpad after 5 years of hiatus. Naalala ko dati everyday ayun agad ang binubuksan kong website pag-uwing pag-uwi sa bahay. Three websites na nasa tab ko is Facebook, Tumblr, and Wattpad. Haaay, good times. Ayun ‘yung mga panahon na hindi ko pa pino-problema ang pagbabayad ng bills. Lol. Entering adulthood, migrating to a foreign country, and falling deep in love all at once has really taken a toll on me. Pati writing style ko tingin ko naiba na. Pakiramdam ko nawala konti yung humor ko sa pagsusulat at mas naging seryoso ang tono ko. Dati sobrang daldal ko sa pagsusulat, ngayon, para bang pinag-iisipan ko muna ng sampung beses kung isusulat ko ba, then ending hindi ko naman din isusulat. Nawala yung motivation ko, pati confidence, hindi na ako inspired, napabayaan ko ang pagmamahal ko sa pagsusulat. Ang nasa isip ko na lang is paano kumita ng pera, bumili ng mga bagay na dati hindi ko kayang bilhin, at maging different sa dating ako. Napapatanong na din ako sa sarili ko palagi kung may sense ba ‘tong sasabihin o isusulat ko? Just because I want to please someone and be a perfect and smart girl I want to look like. I didn’t want to sound stupid and act stupid. Which is stupid. Thinking several times before you click or spit out words should be a habit. But changing yourself and trying to be perfect just to please someone is not a good idea, ladies and gents. It will destroy you, mentally and emotionally. Be you. Change only if it’s for the better. If it will make you healthier. Go if it will help you grow and make you glow. Aight, this ain’t the go, grow, and glow foods but you know what I mean.
Bakit ba bigla ko na lang siyang naisip? ano bang meron sa'yong mexicano ka?! ayokong isipin ka. Mahal ba kita? hindi kita mahal! langhiya naman oo. Gusto man kitang kausapin, eh I have no means of communication towards you. Tangina lang.
Wow, I felt this paragraph with every bit of my heart. Hahaha.
Time check, it is now 12:15AM here in London. I am tucked in cozily under the duvet, a cup of cappuccino on the bedside table, and the television’s noise at the background just to make me feel less alone. The initial plan was to go out after I check-in then go see the Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. But unfortunately, I spent two hours of escalator and train hopping just to get to my inn. I settled in my room and it’s already dark and chilly outside. I lost my excitement to roam around. Plus, the one-way commute will take me an hour and cost me $60+ back and forth for an Uber. So I decided to just chill and enjoy a cup of coffee. I only have few hours here since this is just my layover.
I’m a bit getting paranoid that even the slightest noise from the AC vent makes me flinch. I’m blaming all these thriller and action movies I watched these past few months. Lol. This is my first time being alone in a country where I don’t know anyone. I realized I should have booked a flight where I’d have a longer layover here. Could have taken advantage that transit visa fee + priority application fee I paid!
It’s currently 4:15PM in LA which explains why I am still wide awake. Besides the fact that I’m a scaredy cat when the AC is making a loud intermittent noise. The inn I am staying at is extremely quiet. The hallways are dimly lit and narrow. It’s not an old and creepy place, it’s just that I am not used to a peaceful and quiet surrounding, maybe that’s why it’s giving me the weird feeling. Also, I’m blaming the thriller movies I watched for imprinting the classic creepy hallway scnenario in my head.
I should sleep but I doubt I will be able to. So I guess I’ll just start exploring Tumblr again and find good blogs to read. Ah, it’s been a while, Tumblr. I missed you.
Dear Me,
Believe that God has saved you. It ended because it has a purpose. You will heal. The confirmation your ex said he felt that it’s the right thing for the both of you? Maybe that was God’s confirmation that it’s enough of hurting you. It’s God’s way of telling ‘let her go, you don’t know how to take care of her, so let my precious daughter go.’
You’re young. Do you really think he is the only one that will come in your life? You will meet new people. Someone will see the beauty in you. You will be loved again. And you will love someone new and someone deserving by that time.
But before that, you need to love yourself first again. Before that, you need to strengthen your love for God with all your heart, because doubting self-love is doubting love’s God for you.
Remember the times you’re always crying at night because you’re hurting? The times you lie awake at the middle of the night, waiting for his text, waiting for him to tell you he misses you and loves you so much? When you were so scared because you feel like anytime he’s ready to leave you? When you were waiting for his ‘I love you’ after he said goodbye? When you are doubting yourself and kept asking what’s wrong with yourself? The pain you went through to the point you wanted to hurt yourself because it’s being too much. The pain that’s stabbing on your chest you wanted to slap your chest repeatedly. Every night that you tried to silence your cry because you don’t want anyone to hear you. Every morning when it was a massive struggle to get up and continue life.
Remember the lessons of everything you went through. Because Zai, you don’t deserve to be in that situation. You don’t deserve to beg someone for love. Have the strength to break free on the chains of your love for him. The deserving man will give you security. He won’t be unhealthy for you. He will not date you just because he needs someone right at the moment. He will date you because he sees you and wants you to be in his future. The right man will not be afraid to dive deep in your love. For the right and deserving man will always choose to be the better man for you, only you.
Nababaliw na ako kanina. Di ako mapakali. Feeling ko may mali. Feeling ko magkaaway kami. Buong araw naghintay ako ng text niya. Pero mag-bebente kwatro oras na mula ng huli naming usap, wala pa din. Ayaw kong una siyang itext kasi feeling ko ayaw niya ako kausap kagabi. Dahil sa haba ng sinabi ko before ako nag-goodnight eh hindi niya na nireplyan ‘yun.
Pero eto nga, hindi ko naman matitiis ang bebe boi ko. Nagtext na lang ako ng goodnight. Plain goodnight lang kasi masakit kapag may heart heart pa at I miss you tapos plain goodnight lang reply niya. Wala pang isang minuto nagreply agad siya.
And so every inch of “Huhu di na niya ako love di niya ako text bat ganyan siya ayaw na ba niya me mag-text ka huy galit ba u kiss na lang kita di na ako galit miss na kita luh di na niya ako love wala pa din text” faded.
Mej malungkot na disappointed ako ano ba. Ganito kasi ‘yun, plano namin mag San Francisco ni O this May. Pero kagabi lang nung tinanong ko siya kung final na ‘yung date, kasi kailangan kong magpaalam sa boss ko, sabi niya postpone daw muna namin ‘til Summer. Kasi may unexpected expenses siya for Summer class niya. Ang tagal tagal pa niya magreply naiinip na ako kasi gusto ko siya kausap ano ba miss ko na siya. So okay, okay lang naman, syempre ano ba, priority ‘yung school. Pero di ko maiwasang hindi malungkot kasi excited na ako tsaka nagtitingin na ako ng place dun. Tapos nasabi ko na din kay Rona and Eomma. Nag-expect na ako, mga mamsh. But I have to understand him. Para maiwasang maging cold mga replies ko kagabi, di ko muna siya nireplyan ng mga dalawang oras. Tas nagreply na ako mga 11:30pm na. Nakaynila Leroi pala siya, practice for Sunday worship ng St. Matthew’s. Kaya ata ang tagal niya magreply kasi nag-ddrive siya that time. Okay. Okay. Triny kong hindi maging cold sa text kahit gustong gusto ko ng mag-goodnight. Nag-sorry naman siya at sabi niya pwedeng iba na lang gawin namin. Nagtatampo ako, pero ano ba parang wala ata sa lugar. Hindi ko naman siya inaway. Ayokong nag-aaway kami depende na lang kung sobra na pambubully niya sakin lol. Iniwasan ko na lang ‘yung topic ng SF at change topic na. Eh ang tagal pa din niya mag-reply. Lagpas 30 mins na mga 1:30 na ata ‘yun. Edi nag-goodnight na lang ako. Kasi naman pucha namimiss ko na ‘yung tao pero kasi nga may ibang bagay din naman siyang ginagawa at priorities. Okay, bye.
Been contemplating and complaining lately about the path I am taking. Medyo nawawalan na naman ako ng gana at na-sisidetrack sa mga dapat gawin. Ewan ko ba. Sometimes I feel like 24 hours ain’t enough for a day. I need additional 12 hours. Kasi naman gigising ng 5:30am to prep and commute to work. 8am start of my 9 hours paradise. After work head out to the library para magpanggap na nag-aaral, truth is yung one hour sa two and a half hours is scroll and surf the internet ginagawa ko. 8pm uuwi ng bahay. Then I’ll arrive home by 9:30pm. Kain, chika with the cousins, text with my Orly, sleep by 12am. It’s a cycle. And I’m kinda getting tired of it. I don’t know if dahil lang ba kulang ako sa tulog araw araw.
But eto na nga, I need to motivate myself again. Mga mamshie I dropped down to 78 lbs. Last time I checked two weeks ago nasa 82 lbs. pa ako. Di ko na alam kung dahil ba ‘to sa stress, puyat, or tryna eat veggies more. Now may pinagkasunduan kami ni boyfie, I need to gain 7 lbs. in a month. I need to get back to more rice ata. And I need to fix my sleep time.
Gotta remind myself again. I need to finish this online school, ask for opening and apply as a biller at work, review for the aapc, pass the aapc, apply in a hospital as biller and coder. Minsan gusto kong bumalik talaga sa traditional schooling eh. Pero naiisip ko pa lang na kulang nga 24 hrs. para sa akin, malamang dedbols katawan at utak ko kung papasok pa talaga ako ng school. Only way lang is mag-part time na lang ako sa work. Which is tingin ko hindi ko kaya kasi mababawasan yung income ko. Yung expenses ko napakadami, so it’s a no for me.
musta holiday mo?
Isang dakilang empleyado. Lol. Wala holiday holiday kung nasaan ako ngayon.
January 12, 2018 | around 2am
I was cozy in his arms, standing in front of him, cheeks resting on his shoulder.
My heart skipped a beat the moment he dropped the question.
He asked, “Zai, do you wanna be my girlfriend?”
1, 2, 3, 4, 5... I replied breathlessly, “Huh?” while staring at the light from the lamp post in front of me.
He chuckled but didn’t let go of me.
Finally, I managed to say, “Yes.”
I faced him and my heart shouted, “I love you,” but my lips can’t let go of.
As if he heard my heart, he planted a soft and warm kiss on my lips.
I met a man in a bible study two years ago. For every time I see him, for every time I hear and know more about him, I came to admire him more. His love for God is what drawn me to him. The journey was tough. It has been a rocky path. I experienced a lot of heartbreaks just because of one man. From the part where I gave him my letter and confessed my feelings, to the time I was confused because he came back here, to the moment he and my closest friend had a relationship, up to the complicated status we had last year.
He’s the one I fervently prayed for. I remember the times I prayed to God where I would say, “Lord, if it’s not him, please help me forget these feelings.” and “Lord, my feelings are getting deeper, I want to be with him. But if he is not for me, I will accept it.” and “Lord, if he’s not the one, can it be someone like him?” I found the last one funny though.
I didn’t pursue him. Because I don’t wanna push myself just because I want to get someone. I don’t wanna chase the person if we don’t have the same feelings. I don’t want to assume. Yet, I can’t help but be hopeful. Moments I would feel and my friends would tell me he is staring at me, when our eyes meet, when he bullies me, even on the simple things when he likes my posts. All I did was pray for him.
Until what God wrote for us came to life. I am at my happiest when I’m with him. My love and hate feelings for him made my trust in God deeper. After five years of not being with someone, I finally have someone to pour my love with. I finally belong to someone now who has a big heart for God.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” - Matthew 7:7
