the dark, quiet den

[muzinabu]

[xannabelx]

[hydradominatus-blog]

[suphinkos]

i. my job, as it turns out, is indeed a job.  i am coming to terms with that, and i have an exit ramp in a reasonable amount of time!  i ordered codependent no more for a lot of reasons, but i read a quote randomly that made me realize i was CODEPENDENT on work previously, very specifically at [hell nonprofit].  i can definitely do more growing in how i engage with workplaces.

ii. i also bought the book because there is someone important in my life who is definitely in a codependent relationship, and i want to understand more deeply how to be clear that we will not be in a codependent relationship.  i tend to split, so i am having a difficult time feeling connected with the concrete revelation of that, but i am trying.  people are not perfect, and it has largely not affected our relationship.

[suphinkos]

however, i am still coming for that one Classics Tumblr that is really invested in socially sanctioned rapes being “love”

[suphinkos]

i literally just don’t process semi-publicly on the internet anymore, y’all.  it was a fairly neutral coping mechanism at a point in my life where i had surrounded myself with people who couldn’t love me.

[suphinkos]

the yellow paint, as i suppose we will call it, has hit.  it is a lot of work, trying to sort what is my own shit that should receive work and what is my own shit that is about tolerability (and not ethics or intellectualism or anything other than that).  i don’t know if i talked myself in a circle through prayer, but a lot of it feels like my own shit -- i feel like i would have yellow paint no matter the circumstance.

that being said, the days of live-blogging every backslide, freakout and bad feeling is over.  i am handling myself through self-dialogue, prayer and, like, actually communicating with the people in question.

[suphinkos]

okay, having my first founded work anxiety which ... sucks, tbh.  bound to happen, but it sucks.  i am having trouble figuring out if i overstepped (and if i did, it was profoundly accidental and slight and still resulted in me doing the right thing) or if this is just gaslighting by UNFORTUNATELY my primary customer who ... does this a lot!  i have seen him do it to other staff!  i am trying to hold reality in my head about who this dude is.

[suphinkos]

life is ... really good, right now.  i feel very little need to document the ways in which this is true.

[suphinkos]

thank you to the ghost who i loved and lost; and thank you to myself then, who i lost and loved.  i now get to experience What’s Real because of it, because of seeing something precious and not being afraid to fight in the mud for it.

[suphinkos]

*throws plate at wall*

god DAMN

it is this easy!

[suphinkos]

it has been a revelatory minute and a half, friends.  now, i choose not to over-think it or plan.  i choose to live in this joy and coming-alive.

[suphinkos]

it is amazing, in a good way, how quickly crushes can come on, how easy they can be.  it’s amazing how i can unfurl with someone who wants to make me feel safe and does (and certainly vice versa, i hope).  it’s amazing how much i want, without a thousand conditions popping up.  it feels organic and intuitive.

[suphinkos]

i get that part of my job is to be resourceful and competent, but it would still have been nice to send, like, a fucking manual on how to set up the dock, dual monitors, etc.  it would also save ... WORK HOURS for specialized labor.

[suphinkos]

big crush, big big crush

BIG BIG BIG CRUSH

mutual?

ye

that’s the report, boys

[suphinkos]

I AM TALKING TO SOMEONE I ACTUALLY ENJOY RIGHT NOW, AND I FORGOT HOW FUN THIS FEELING IS / TRYING NOT TO OVER-INVEST / CHECKING THE HELL APP MUCH MORE THAN I WOULD LIKE.

[suphinkos]

this cover album weezer did just sounds like baby spit-up renditions of the originals.  anything interesting about the original has been sanitized carefully to sound like background noise.