spider-surfer

look, the name was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

[surferspider]

“i so should’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark.”

#SURFERSPIDER – what if peter parker was a marine conservationist with a side of spiritual surfer bro? an independent, 18+, and semi-selective roleplay blog featuring original punching bag character porter b. palmer based on the universe of sony’s spider-verse trilogy as beaten up written by cade, 20, she/her. spoilers for into the spider-verse and across the spider-verse present.

>> CARRD >> PLAYLIST

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #131

today you get a moodboard! the theme? porter as various funny caps. it's funny because he would never wear a cap for an extended period of time. his hair is more brittle than germanium and even more germy.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #129

the day porter gets minecraft is the day his computer blows up. he doesn't get the monster hunter achievement until he kills the ender dragon because he made a probability sheet for every mob drop and came to the conclusion that killing the screaming giant was unethical (the poor thing's already so insecure about their appearance, chopping them up for loot is the last thing on his list). he masters redstone in a day but cannot understand the trading system to save his life and attemps to manipulate the audio over the course of a full month trying to figure out what they're saying. he ends up frying the whole system after simulating a fight with kraven where he uses 100,000 tnt. which is realistic, obvs.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #130

porter doesn't eat ketchup because he thinks they're still made with fish guts. do not let this man cook for you, do not be fooled by his 100% organic ingredients, do not pass go.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #128

by virtue of being a peter variant, porter's default dance is an optical game of russian roulette where there are bullets in every chamber. he's sworn off fingers guns, though. too touchy for the masses, especially after he vibed to "oseh shalom" so hard at the hebrew summer camp club that he left his shoes on the ceiling.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #127

porter cannot and will not snap his fingers. he'll either end up with the great responsibility of removing cobwebs from his biodegradable clothing or remembering that he has not made a functional prosthetic middle finger yet. all australian jazz clubs may now observe a moment of silence for their loss of this unbearable talent.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #126

porter is an avid defender of magpies. due to the fact they are simply defending their nests as porter is defending his dilapidated shed of a house and devotion to their partners, he has adopted them as the unofficial sidekick that he will totally recruit when he is old and mature and learns how to form meaningful connections with people who appreciate his company for reasons other than his marked ability to usurp a group project's captain and kraken-created-whirlpool his way into making the ship sink with him. but about magpies. avoiding them is as easy as sticking a bunch of sticks to a helmet. victim blaming is bad unless he sees a runner acting like a threat to a new father's nest ok <3

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #125

porter's memoir is entitled "if animal-themed supervillains stop bothering the spectacular spider-surfer, let minnow". about half the pages are blurry spider-surfer selfies featuring extremely confused burglars. the other half is poetry that relies entirely on the australian accent to make sense.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #124

porter built an electric scooter for aunt may a few years back. she has not touched it because she knows she'll hear him lecturing her about the and does not have the funds for a good nepoticide lawyer. he, meanwhile, has driven across the continent on it and relished every second of his reading of his own seven hundred page memoir.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #123

porter devours the worst books to feed his ego. surely he can get published if teen dystopias about the banning of toothbrushes can sell millions, right? (he is wrong, of course, because soon he is writing a teen dystopia about the banning of aquariums and facing too many ethical dilemmas to not be distracted during fights with his villains. sorry kraven he just got a great idea for the climax let him crawl around and open his notes app.)

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #122

porter has survived several jellyfish stings. like most of his absurd anecdotes about how much the universe wants to kill him but can't, it remains unknown as to whether he managed to remain alive due to the spider bite or his pure, unadulterated spite. it's probably the latter. the stinger is on display next to his second-place medals in various science contests. turns out dying isn't an excuse for missing half the preparation time.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #121

porter has definitely made spy octopi of his own a la spy in the ocean. prototypes better at body horror than most horror films made be found on display in several flat earthers' conspiracy dens. he may follow in professor parker's path one day but rest assured that those students will want to abandon him sooner than he can say hello to the class. the spy octopi will be the class pets and people will be feeding them phones if they catch a classmate texting during the lecture.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #120

airport security hates porter palmer for many reasons. he's nicked their trademarks for their names's singular shared syllable. he's attached so many blades and shafts to his keychains that it's a wonder they aren't considered swiss army blades by the security officers in charge of escorting the nation's most wanted protester out of any seafood store's premises. his luggage is almost entirely water, and when it's not water, it's watermelon genetically modified to be water with no melon.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #119

porter's favourite lotions are the organic ones with names so abstract it's impossible to tell what texture or scent will end up seeping into your flesh. he is currently trying to sell his own blue hypoallergenic edible lotion called 'roguing thieves that shall serve your holistic invigorating happy time where the sun does and does not shine'. it is butter with blue food colouring in it.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #118

porter unironically wears baseball caps backwards. yes even if said cap is being torn at the seams by the summer winds of the southern hemisphere and messing up the quarter teaspoon of product he put into his hair. he thinks he looks cool. add in a fake moustache and a coconut filled with his own tears and he's gone undercover as one of many divorced beach dads.

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #117

porter and the usage of violence have a very strange relationship. on one hand it's very fun to brag about one's blue belt in jiu-jitsu, to say that the only reason you are stuck at blue belt level is because your aunt was not willing to pay for more lessons and blue is better for your branding anyways. on the other hand he very loudly says 'ouchie' after stubbing his toe and punching people and having to see them bleed is both exhilarating and terrifying

[surferspider]

daily porter posting #116

porter's photography watermark is a horrendous mixture of screen layers and vectors screaming for a release from this mortal coil. there are sharks. there is gratuitous brush script. there are actual marks from the water he used to make the original design, which was painted in water with no colour on baking parchment. this man is employed for one reason and that is his net zero self-esteem. supplementary image coming soon (or maybe earlier than this post who knows)