the strangest of scenarios

“I sentence you to 15 life sentences”. pah. as if they could restrain me, I think as I get my ball of yarn ready to throw at the prison guards

[racingbarakarts]

[akiraita]

[randomslasher]

I just laughed really hard at this and then thought about how I’d try to explain this kind of absurd collaborative humor to my grandma and realized we have absolutely developed a new language online. 

[surrealsituations-blog]

*dr phil voice* yo yo yo what’s happening lades and genmen *stuffs entire bonsai tree up my anus*

[growrotten]

how many

3

[surrealsituations-blog]

*sex*

im going in harder than I ever had before. squelch squelch squelch. I’m enjoying it. I’m hot and sweaty and ready to climax. I feel it coming-

“Sir?”

I stop and pull out with my erect penis hanging out, still covered in baby oil.

“Yeah?”

“This is the salad buffet at a pubilex deli”

[surrealsituations-blog]

taking a large dump

so I sit down at the toilet, ready to unload what I’ve been holding on the entire day: a massive, gooey shit that I think will feel amazing. And it happens, and a wave of peace flows onto me. I wipe my ass and get up to flush the toilet. But something’s gone wrong. It won’t flush. My toilet starts whistling and suddenly I hear the pipes bend and break. I watch in awe as my toilet creaks and melds until it’s there. a transformer. it looks at me before breaking through my bathroom wall and flying into the distance. “roptimus brime” I think to myself, and I faint.

[surrealsituations-blog]

*slowly pulls down pants to reveal massive squidward tattoo, my long schlong acting as his nose*

[itsdoctorcat]

are u ok

[surrealsituations-blog]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_pig-tailed_macaque

[surrealsituations-blog]

im a professional athlete if you consider beating up six year olds a sport

[surrealsituations-blog]

A lobster

A lobster met a shark one day and the lobster started talking about how he hated feminists and the shark ate him

[surrealsituations-blog]

*slowly pulls down pants to reveal massive squidward tattoo, my long schlong acting as his nose*

[surrealsituations-blog]

where is that motherfucking Easter bunny

I’m going to fucking murder him that rabbit bastard

[surrealsituations-blog]

piss in a bag?

piss in a bag.

[surrealsituations-blog]

“welcome to the chair store” I say, waving at the assortments of electronics we have.

my manager comes out of the room and says “I apologise. this is the Samsung store, feel free to look around. pay no attention to him, he’s kind of an idiot”

disgusted at this slander, I bring out the chair from my bosses room and place it in front of the customer.

“give me five dollars” I say

they refuse so I throw the chair at them and steal their wallet, then remark to my boss “another successful sale, Darren”

Darren doesn’t bother coming out of his office anymore

[surrealsituations-blog]

jesus broke the bread

“make a sandwich” he said

“What’s a sandwich?” the bewildered followers of Christ wondered.

“you stupid fucks, here” said Jesus, stuffing a bread sandwich into the mouth of a baby

[surrealsituations-blog]

I forlorn

My wife has left me for the man with the “explicit content, parental advisory” t-shirt. he’s laughing a goady laugh while I, a professional gamer, shout slurs at him

[surrealsituations-blog]

wearing overalls to own the libs

[surrealsituations-blog]

that’s right, liberal

the best shape is the triangle. yeah you’d better cry. fucjing lib

[surrealsituations-blog]

at a comedy stand-up show

the audience seems unhappy. the last guy told a joke about salmon and three pro-salmon activists left in protest. im up next and i shuffle my cards nervously. i step up to the mic and say “politics sucks, am i right guys”

the whole audience bursts into laughter. people slapping their knees, wiping the tears out of their eyes, holding their stomachs. i laugh along nervously, not wanting them to know that the rest of my jokes is the word ‘pigeon’ said in different accents