A bag of explosion

I'm a living oxymoron in more than one way. I feel alot of things that are opposite of each other. I'm not very good at tumblr honestly. I made this to post my feelings anonymously, which involve my depression that I hide from my friends. I'm going to try and post more positive things. I don't believe in gender, so it's pointless to say what I was born as. Please if you have any advice, or are willing to be my friend, don't be shy. It may not look it, but I'm generally optimistic for the most part, I just post my deepest darkest thoughts that overwhelm me sometimes. I love music, politics, and anime.

[sweetlyshy]

When the one your there for needs time and no ones there for you bc your just a tool.

[pelmeniforeveryday]

[sweetlyshy]

Death is the only answer for peeps like me

[sweetlyshy]

Wishing you were here

[sweetlyshy]

I'm really sorry if I upset you last night, I hope to still take in those hazelnut sunsets encompassing one of the softest smiles.

[sweetlyshy]

The cornerstone of beauty

Your smile is what draws me in, it latches my heart and gives it vibrance. The way it pulls your softly sunken eyes stops time and I realize the only thing that matters is a moment like this. Your words paralyze and your fingers drive the dagger in my chest clean through to the other side sending me falling into that space where the most precious face resides.

[sweetlyshy]

:)

Pretty happy right now, can't believe what's happening.

[sweetlyshy]

Love, a lost tale

I fall for people that ultimately aren't good for me. I wish I could find real love. Been working towards a more positive outlook but find myself alone, constantly. I have no right to her but would willingly give her whatever she's looking for; that, which I guess her boyfriend is ignoring. I responded to her signals, she says and does things that lure me in. But she's not mine and, obviously I don't have any rights to anything of her. I just wish I could find someone to build memories and a bond with, which I fought against for so long. Someone who would understand me on the inside. Why, love, why do I always find myself at your mercy?

[sweetlyshy]

I just wanna leave and go be depressed in my room, alone as fuck.

[sweetlyshy]

Idiot

I always feel like an like an idiot for who my feelings tell me to like. Like for real, shits hopeless with a boarded up door.

[sweetlyshy]

I feel like a child that can't grow up because it's fucking evil being a human, or atleast me being one. I can't figure out things that a lot of people already have when it comes to relationships. I don't want to hurt anyone or do the wrong thing so I do nothing. I hate myself for it, I hate myself more when someone shows any affection, because then I have to cold shoulder them in fear of doing something wrong. I hate myself when I do that. Hating that I did nothing, and that I assumed something might not be true, also for not knowing the right answer. I hate myself for even feeling those emotions. I hate that I yearn for love to so much, I might possibly manipulate someone to want me. I fear realizing what I've done. I hate the uncertainty of it. I hate my inaction, hesitation, potential of harm, and most importantly that my assumptions wrong and I'm sexually wanting something unwarranted.

I just hate myself.

[sweetlyshy]

Filled to capacity

Today my head is running through a warfare of sanity. Some days are better than worse. Woke up today with a thought of "What's the point? I should just stay in bed all day and sleep this away." I felt comfort by retreat and security from whatever my fear in life was. Thoughts of suicide attempting pointlessness really seemed to make me panic and feel relief of right around the corner finally I can move on beyond this and fulfill the void I have in life.

I slept

When I awoke I noticed my roommate wasn't home I realized ever since I came home from work he was never really here. I laughed thought of what to do, cleaning my tiny room seemed like immediate priority. I proceeded to clean out a pipe so I could smoke and get in a cleaning mood. Thought of all the things I could do, as soon as I was done a sudden feeling of loneliness, panic and curiosity had confined my mind to fear. I anxiously thought of the immediate things effecting my life.

My family usually contacts me around my birthday so we can meet up. I truly do not like hanging out with my family. Partial racism to political lapdogs they just bug me but i still have love for them. This feeling has always conflicted me. My mom is married to a racist that tried to raise me and forced his last name upon me. I don't want my mom to be lonely but I can't take someone who looks past racism and ignores it for love seriously they same i would someone my age or younger. Then again I always feel complicit in this bc I accept his help sometimes when i have no choice and I stay quiet alot bc it would just cause calamity. Either way they haven't contacted me although I don't really reach out to them bc of how I feel.

Conflicting feelings I don't know how to justly answer.

Recently me and an important group of friends had a falling out. I wasn't close with me family but I had them as atleast one constant in my life. They all dropped me off the face of the earth and time felt like it stopped for about a week or so. I still don't feel like it's really hit me. I found out I wasn't kind enough to them sometimes with missing thank yous and attentiveness.

I feel terrible about it.

Just another thing I can hate about myself.

We are still friends on a screen and they sent their happy birthdays I assume is more out of obligation than want. I sent my replies but also my hope.

Everything feels hollow, black and white like a manga.

I'm still here alone in this apartment. It's the Saturday after my birthday and I feel terrible.

I kinda feel like a bother and weak bc of this post right now but atleast no one will read it.

Pathetic

[sweetlyshy]

God damn I'm a wreck today. Why is love something we urge? I feel such a longing and a certain amount of dead pointlessness in myself. Why the fuck does my brain do this. I'm not going to control someone bc I "love" them. I wish I could eliminate this notion of happiness or love in my head and still be a content with life kinda person. No ones exactly trying to express any interest in me (This is the part where I think who am I to assume any human wants to be with me, kinda sexist to assume someone of a specific sex has to want me or that I just assuming in general someone wants me. Do i think this want is something that justifies manipulating (dating) someone else until they do things i sexually desire. Thats terribly wrong to ever think that way and sexist. Isn't it a little sexist to assume someone likes you based on body language like a look or something else? I'd probably loose interest( a sign to me love isnt real, if that ever even occurs in tour life you just turned a human into a recreational activity without any feelings. Your a piece of shit)) which kinda makes it impossible to try justifyingly. Dont really know where to go with this but god damn why does something out of reach that i question if i really need or want, why does it effect me all the time everyday and majority of it. I spend hours on social media even sometimes going out, sometimes using these things to find someone only to view most of my behavior as sexist or just philosophically wrong. Either way everything I feel when it comes to happiness, love, relationships and dating are all bullshit for me simply because I took a handful of my relationships for granted. Pretty much when it comes to anything with love I'm a piece of shit that is full of it and hypocritical and sexist as fuck by nature. Urges and desire are fucking ripping my mind sometimes but I'm full of shit so i guess it helps to cope with it even though I probably dont deserve any comfort on this. I cant justify these core level things that help people find happiness. God dammit i wish i could remove them entirely, then I'd atleast stop hating myself so much. Some day I'll dye alone in agony from depression and loneliness but atleast I wouldn't of put anyone else through another single hardship. I deserve nothing in regards to love because of how i took my exes for granted. Do not ever do that, it's fucking horrible and if your the inward looking type, you'll end up hating yourself and being maybe in this position. God I'm pathetic as fuck but hey atleast I haven't hurt a significant for the last 6 or 7 years.

[sweetlyshy]

Hello?

[sweetlyshy]

Each day I realize more and more how forgettable and small I am. I wish I never had to speak I hate my voice.

[sweetlyshy]

Back to the black hole of an existence when it comes to love. Every couple I see, every laugh I hear goes right to a retaining tension in my stomach. Sweating for no reason and eyes avoiding the line most cross but forces in my head prevent. I crave something I view as evil or wrong in a way. False narratives of false emotions drowning in one truth I cannot avoid. The capacity for which I crave, the capacity to live that is, remains left behind. When I see someone so beautiful I can't help but drown hopes and feelings with doubt and failure. Not a yes or no kind of failure but a void of despair I leave everything I ever loved. I emotionally kill people I date because of my fear and shake of love. I don't know how to works certain feeling in my head. The end is something I'm sorta obsessed with. What does it mean to truly leave all the pain you cause away. No I shouldn't feel that way but I can't help it, kinda why I don't have anyone to talk to, about anything. Us artist tend to be depressed sorta lone wolf creatures, which I get but damn does this get painful sometimes. What's a lifetime if sights and achievements of you've no one to share it with? A fruitless one? Wish I could connect but I'm a bastard and a monster that doesn't deserve anyone. I honestly feel like any potential love is better off without my presence. Kinda wish I could be invisible, like alot! Haven't figured out when or how but someday, someday.

[sweetlyshy]

This is me 24/7 literally. #therepulsivelife #selfhatred101 #Humansareadisease

[sweetlyshy]