TFAT - True Feelings and Thoughts pt1
I would say that Iāve always been a good person. Many people like me for my personality but I think itās mostly because of my comedy. I share lots of things with people, Iām very open.
But thatās only a small piece of me. Thereās lots of things they donāt know about me. And I would never want them to know those things about me. I know that many people would see me as a monster.
My mom says that I wouldnāt hurt a single fly, my sister says that I put up a fake bold act. My brother thinks Iām very weak and small. My father thinks Iām the sweetest thing ever. But those are the only parts they see in me because thatās all I let them see.
I seem very open but I also keep many things inside. Iām not an idiot, I process the things I say to keep myself safe. I know what to say and what not to say to people to keep myself safe.
All day almost everyday Iām in my room with the door closed and locked away all day. All I do is think and fantasize about the things I wish I could do if I were to live alone in the middle of nowhere. I love being alone, if Iām with other people I canāt really be the person I really am deep inside.
I wish I can tell my therapist those things but I would be in deep trouble. If I ever did, I would be locked away somewhere in a hospital. So I never speak of it, all I tell him are the things about me and what I feel on the surface. With that information he diagnosed me with severe depression, anxiety, and being antisocial.
Most of the day, every day I think about murder. I used to go to a group once a week, a van would come pick me up and drop me off. I always sat in the second row by myself listening to music. Every person I seen walking the streets made me smile, they made me smile because all I could think about was slicing their neck open watching them bleed out on the concrete floor.
As time went on we picked up another client, I didnāt know her, she didnāt know me. Every week I would see her sitting in front of me in the first row while I sat in the second. But for some reason she always just seemed like a huge bitch to me.
The bitch put in her headphones minding her own business as she sat in front of me in the next row. She wore these fake golden rings on each of her ears. Her seatbelt tightly crossed her chest and breasts. Her hair in a small ponytail that annoyed me for some unknown reason.
I immediately started fantasizing about killing her brutality.
I wanted to grab onto her hoop earrings one by one and rip them off hard as I can to rip her skin. All I could do was laugh under my breath. I wanted to slice her throat and stab her in the back of the head. I wanted to grab that seatbelt and strangle her to death. While thinking that, I smiled and started laughing, getting weird stares from the van driver in the view mirror. I told him that I was listening to a podcast, he nodded his head looking back on the road. I kept on thinking about killing strangers on the street until we reached the group meeting area.
