blue :)

NON-POETRY twitter @pervertedregard instagram & tiktok @t00thfull

[t00thfull]

never thought to do a little intro so here it is !

im blue, i use he/him pronouns, and my poetry is all influenced by very intense feelings i have. i'm not as miserable as i used to be and I'm grateful for that. i also post super inconsistently you'll get content whenever I feel like it.

if you have any questions about the creative process or anything else, my asks are always open. please enjoy my work.

[t00thfull]

secrets in MLA format

and I have this speech,  written out in full in my head, and I’ve had it for years. what I would tell someone,  if we were sitting on the roof together smoking cigarettes with alcoholic drinks  sitting next to us, with their own cigarettes. if we were watching the sunset  and if i was a little in love with the person  next to me - or I at least used to be.  I’d fumble with my cig, trying to put it out, I would smile, in a sad, misty kind of way I’d tell them “I can hardly feel anything.” and they would look at me funny and I would keep talking, my speech would tumble out of my mouth  before I cry a few tears. after that, I stop talking.  my speech is over; I think I still love you, I want to think  that you still love me. 

[t00thfull]

lover's city

sentencing happy endings to death, (because we are next in row.) it is lying dead in a pile of happy endings with its head cut off. it is balanced on some brothers and sisters, with their dignity cut out. the ones who made it past the gallows remember the smell of their ever afters that are rotting in a pile with the people they love. but they sing anyway, despite the smell, they sing in the night, and war and fight in the morning, with their happy endings and their fairy tales and their brothers and sisters and with their dignity held between interlocked hands, between now and their happy ending.

[t00thfull]

existential fish-fucking

i wonder if fish can experience sexual pleasure, i wonder if they are better sex partners than i will ever be. how strange it is, to be alive. what makes me so? i theorize it's sex, unfortunately. back to the fish, what do you think? am i deflecting some fucked up emotions onto fish? wouldn't be the first time. i think i'm a bad person, or at least a bad sex partner. maybe a bad partner, hopefully not worse than the fish, no offense, fish. i respect their underwater game, i do. i wish i could be down there with them, envy is a strong feeling, i'd join them even if i drowned. which isn't a thought someone healthy would have, but who's healthy nowadays? nobody i know, that's for sure. maybe i'd be healthier if i had more sex, or if i was better at it, or if i was a fish.

[t00thfull]

horror scope and the bus line

i have been turning to horoscopes lately and waiting at bus stops,  and i’ve been writing poetry again lately. spring is just as sad as fall is just as sad as summer, a little-known secret nobody mentions.  the sun on my skin reminds me of last summer, which reminds me of the summer before that, so on and so forth.  i’ve been waiting at train stops,  and writing poetry again lately,  and my horoscope says i am lonely. i don’t think i agree with it, but you don’t have to agree with something for it to be true. back to listening to the music my best friend showed me when we were much younger than we are now. i feel the same as i did when i was 16,  writing poetry,  waiting at bus stops,  feeling lonely,  agreeing with my horoscope. 

[t00thfull]

railways to the moon and back

i want to take the train as far as it will take me, i want nobody to know me, i want that to last forever. being between here and there, on the train to somewhere scary and new, never letting anyone in again and traveling forever. i want to go far away, far far away. sometimes i think about leaving my house in the middle of the night, barefoot and unprepared, warm summer air on my skin, and running until i collapse in the street and lay there till morning, when the crows will find me, or i'll be hit by a car. (and then the crows will find me.) one day i'll get over my fear of unknown places and none of you will ever see me again. i want to disappear, i want to get on the next train out of here, i want to begin and begin and begin and never end, somewhere between here and there, somewhere on the train.

[deathpowerphantomjester5110]

we have GOT to bring back campy horny grimy tactile scifi. this is a national fucking emergency

[t00thfull]

you'll never escape the feeling that nobody loves you. sorry.

numbing realizations become a substance abuse problem in the end, with nowhere else to go except the dark horizon, it is hot here, and you are sweating, and your feet hurt and nobody really loves you - at least, not in the way that really counts. cloud jumping for fun as of late, one day i'll meet the ground with a splat, but for now i am invincible, and immune to all the problems that other people have had. the modern world isn't designed for this, or for you, only understandable that you'd seek the horizon, the heat, the sweat. seek the love, and never find it.

[t00thfull]

lapse of memories

there is a gaping, black hole in the middle of my childhood living room. it's covering up something really bad, that i can't remember. it's like the face of that one friend you used to love, but just can't picture anymore, and you'll feel bad that you can't picture them and you'll feel bad for years and still, you'll never remember. there's a puzzle piece missing from my life a big, gaping one, and i feel bad that i can't find it, and i'll feel bad for years, and i'm so scared that i'll never remember.

[t00thfull]

flood warning and thoughts from middle school

a sudden crushing weight is forecasted for tonight, it will roll in with the moon in your window, and blow cold, cold air through your room, and there will be nothing you can do about it. it will bring with it: aimless suicidal ideation, a deep rotting feeling lodged in your stomach, rain, and a twisting feeling in your chest. it will blow over in the morning, or it won't. sucks for you. it will only keep raining, like it has all week long, and you will keep feeling like this, that rotting feeling that's overtaken you. the rain makes you a worse person, you know that, and the only way out is through. you know that, too.

[t00thfull]

feverish and ungodly sweaty tonight

i seem to only get fevers at inconvenient times, always when i work in the morning. i shiver and sweat, fevers get me hot and bothered, unfortunately, in a very literal sense of those words. i get woozy, and if i'm unlucky, i see things in the walls and posters of my hot, hot room. the sweat brings thoughts i have avoided to the surface with it, and it makes me write bad poetry, about how sad i am. i see your names on my show posters, and i wish one of you would drive to me, bring me soup and fan me as i burn up, i wish you would take my temperature and dote on me, until i feel better enough to return the favor. i wish you wouldn't be scared of getting sick, because you love me so much, it doesn't matter to you. but, i know that is too much to ask.

[t00thfull]

crying in the veterinary office

i met grief in the back of my mother's car, in a cat carrier, on the worst monday of my life - so far. grief was quiet; grief said a lot without using any words. this was our first time meeting, and i knew we'd be colleagues for a while. i question if i had done anything differently, would we have delayed our meeting? i would've liked another year, or so. i sleep next to grief, grief is sitting on my nightstand, heavy and crushing, ever shifting since our meeting in my mom's car, ever new, ever heavier. grief sits on my nightstand, in a little glass jar.

[t00thfull]

my angel

tonight, my cat is alive and sleeping on the couch, she'll look at me and chirp and rest her little head on my arm as I pet her. tonight she is as alive as she’s ever been,  my cat is alive, and come monday she won’t be. we all knew she wasn’t going to get better; cancer doesn’t just go away like that.  she is old, and in pain, and I know this is the best option.  but I wish she could stay longer. I’ll keep her heating pad on,  keep her water out, just in case she comes back.  but I know she won’t. 

[t00thfull]

bellatrix

my cat has cancer. it's a monday, 5th day of the new year, the sunset was beautiful today and she still has cancer. it is some cruel trick god is playing on me; i had just said yesterday, "i am going to get better this year." and the worst part is we don't know how long she has left, my whole world could come crashing down on some random thursday, for all i know. i've had her for fourteen years, for as long as i can remember, there isn't a memory at home that she is not in. and despite all this, i have to get up, go to the gym, do my daily routine, get on with my life and my cat will still have cancer.

[t00thfull]

sex dreams and odd choices

i had sex with you, in a dream one time. it was okay, it wasn't bad by any means, we were sweaty and you were smiling and i was on top of you, kissing your collar bones, your chest your face, your lips, we were focused and breathing heavy and we were passionate, but in our own ways. it felt like a hookup, a fond one, but a hookup nonetheless. and i rememer telling you "nothing will change, i'm always good at being cool about it." i didn't know i was lying to you, i would've been more honest if i knew at the time how wrong i was. we dried our sweat, brushed our teeth, and i woke up.

[j-jax-jameson]

it'll pass

woke up this morning, at 8, because, well I guess your shuffling woke me up and I thought, "I'm always waiting for the other person to ask" like, don't just scoot closer or, I don't know, move your leg a little more so it bumps mine

but I was day dreaming, or I guess it's night now and I thought about how silly it would be, you know, to make you ask? and I thought about what would happen it if was reversed on me and I thought about being asked, about being asked what I wanted?

I don't know.

I'm so lonely and so tired and I guess I haven't had the time the time to think about it, you know? to think about what I would ask for but I think about queer films and how, while tragic, it all seems so simple because I wanted you to know I simply couldn't live without you knowing

we talked about love, in your car on the was back from picking up fast food how it's so terrifying, it's almost not something we want to do? like ever again?

and I think about asking, asking to be taken care of, or not asking anything at all

but you just have to, or supposedly it's that simple because I thought you should know I figured it might be useful to you

I don't know I thought writing it out might help? that I might come up with what I want like in the mean time?

everything comes with guidelines and that's the hardest part it's not enough to feel safe with someone, safe enough to be close you now have to ask well, you have to know, really

"what do you want?" I could have asked when you shuffled a bit closer to touch your leg to mine and you could have turned it on me, because wasn't my arm a bit closer you know, than it needed to be? and I would have stared, because we are both laying a little too close to have it not mean something.

and well, good point I might say, does anyone know?

[t00thfull]

flooded rivers

suddenly, the rebound seems like a good plan, it is sounding like water on the shore,  like birds and music; harmony.  being on the receiving end of this, accepting it with open arms, it is not good for me, but that doesn’t matter because it is so warm here, and I  have never been more needed. I am but a fool, I’d take anything you’d give me, I want you to need me however that may manifest; whatever you want, i'll be whatever you want. I missed you more than anything, and I have been the best I can be. let me have this,  just for now, just this once.