It's Not Love, It's just Nantucket

A new Blog about everything tACKy!

[tackynantucket]

THERE IS NOTHING REALLY to Say here that’s funny....other than,

OUCH!!!!!!!!

[tackynantucket]

New Scientific Study Links Boat Shoes to Neurological Brain Disorder.

A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine revealed some surprising information about Boat shoes. The new study found that humans that wore Boat Shoes developed a neurological disorder resulting in extreme behavior changes that is best described as “entitled” and “ostentatious”.  It is unknown exactly why this change occurs, but it appears there is some sort of chemical change in the brain once the shoes are placed on the feet. Scientific tests found that brain activity is increased to a rapid rate and synapses repeatedly mis-fired causing the shoe wearers to become irritable and down right obnoxious. Also, an interesting side note to the study found that alcohol and cocaine consumption tripled when Boat Shoes were worn.

Dr. Avery McCallister of Duke University,  who headed the study, stated, “we are not sure exactly why these particular shoes illicit such a reaction in people” and warns that,  “certain regions of the country should be very cautious, particularly the Cape and Islands.”

As of now shoe manufactures are developing warning labels for the shoe in effort to inform the public about the disorder.  In the meantime, beware of summer revelers wearing the shoe and look for the warning signs.

[tackynantucket]

Wicked Hot girl Update.....

It appears that the wicked hot girl “ Carrie” that has been seen around the Island, has  now left the island due to lack of Housing. Yes, the housing crisis is now keeping hot babes out.... there’s a tear in my Whales Tale!!!

[tackynantucket]

MULCH SHORTAGE THREATENS TO CANCEL SUMMER ON NANTUCKET

This just in....

 The island keeps running out of the ultimate Landscape condiment, MULCH!  With Summer looming the thought of not getting your clients 40 beds mulched is enough to call off summer! The shortage has pitted landscaper vs. landscaper resulting in a fight at Island Lumber yesterday. Two landscapers were seen chasing each other through the parking lot with weed eaters arguing over a last pile of the coveted mulch. How will summer residents ever cope with out Mulch on their island property?  Ann Billingsworth, of Darien Ct. had this to say about the predicament, 

“ Well, the thought of no mulch is just an outrage!  If our property isn’t mulched, then we just won’t come out to our house this Summer. We’ll go to our Aspen house instead.” 

 Gov. Baker has been notified about the situation, and has promised full support. The local Red Cross is on alert as well and will use the Nantucket High school as a safe zone for summer residents who do not get MULCHED.

From WIKIPEDIA:

A mulch is a layer of material applied to the surface of an area of soil. Its purpose is any or all of the following:

to conserve moisture

to improve the fertility and health of the soil

to reduce weed growth

to enhance the visual appeal of the area

A mulch is usually but not exclusively organic in nature. It may be permanent (e.g. plastic sheeting) or temporary (e.g. bark chips). It may be applied to bare soil, or around existing plants. Mulches of manure or compost will be incorporated naturally into the soil by the activity of worms and other organisms. The process is used both in commercial crop production and in gardening, and when applied correctly can dramatically improve soil productivity.[1]

[tackynantucket]

COME FLY WITH ME   ( IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT)

“ Oh hey there, don’t mind me, I’m just getting on my fuck’in private charter jet, with my oversized $12,000 purse. I don’t even know where I’m going?..... but I look HOT!..... JET BLUE YOU SAY?...HA HA HA ,NO THANKS”  

Well, perhaps that’s what she’s looking back at in this “elegant photo”? She’s looking back at all of us bourgeoisie on commercial flights. This piece of ad vomit is from the most recent issue of N Magazine.  This is really the epitome of a poorly executed AD using little imagination or creativity.  Who were the ad-wizards that story-boarded this gem???   Can’t you just see how this got brain stormed in some meeting room in midtown Manhattan........

   “OK OK OK,  She’s late for her Soul- Cycle Class, so she quickly throws together an outfit and charters a quick flight back to Gotham” 

   The whole thing feels and looks “icky”

We don’t a need fancy lady to tell us that a charter flight is “high class”.  We live on Nantucket, DUH??????  And if you really want to lose your lunch read the actual  COPY......  we can’t even go into it. It’s just down right embarrassing!  

But....... to be fair, if you’re lucky enough to actually charter your own flights,  then please enjoy every amazing minute of it!  Because truth be told,  It’s worth it! We just don’t need to see a douchey AD like this one.

With LOVE..

TACKY

[tackynantucket]

Dude Almost Makes It a Year With Out “Talking shit” On Island!

 As March came to a close, it seemed very possible that local barista Jason Brills of Quidnet was gonna make his year long goal of “Not talkin’ any shit about about anyone on the island”.   After years of back stabbing, drunken rumor spreading, and rampid bad-mouthing people’s reputations, the loose lipped fisherman had hoped to turn the corner on this right of passage to island living.  “I started so fuck’in strong dude, I was super focused and I tried to just to not pass judgment or say a bad thing about anyone.  But then the other night I saw Jessica walking downtown with this new carpenter dude, who just moved here..........dude..... I heard he was buying coke from a guy in Hyannis and got arrested a month ago, and now he’s dealing OXY’s out here!!  So goooood luck Jessica!”   Britton is not totally discouraged by HIS defeat, as he is NOW realizing the power of being postive  and understanding that rumors are just  THAT.... RUMORS  (stories not based in TRUTH).  “I am bummed I  broke my streak, but Jessica is a real bitch, although I hope she is happy I guess...”   Oh Jason, you tried.  If only more island people could put forth the effort  as you did. KUDOS Jason...... YOU DICK!

[tackynantucket]

HOLY SHIT, Craigslist CAPE COD  “Missed Connections” Comedy GOLD!

We here at tACKy strive to give YOU the best of the BEST!  So looky here folks, it doesn’t get any god-dam better than THIS!  Craigslist Cape Cod ‘s “ MISSED CONNECTIONS” is just short of a fuck’in comedy God sent. Filled with pages  of click-bait worthy posts!  Just look at the this Gem above, titled KOHLS HYANNIS SUNDAY, love in Hyannis, Sunday at KOHLES, I mean does it get any better?  And who is this Tat’ed up STUD anyway?   “ Tell me what your looking at” ..... Holy mother of all AWESOMESS. Cue up Forienger  “I wanna know what love is” song!  And what the fuck WAS he looking at? What Deparment was he in? We wanna know!???!!!!  Or how how about this one below..

A  P- town missed connection....... does that even happen up there? We thought P- town was like real life Caligula, Who knew? But for fuck sake, I sure hope he meets this dog walking’in babe....... can’t you just see his Self-proclaimed “nice smile” sitting patiently in his back car...hello......  STALKER ALERT here folks!  Anyway, you get the gist... 

Here is the Link... Crack a beer with some friends and enjoy this Rabbit-hole of hilarity..

Here the link...

https://capecod.craigslist.org/search/mis

Over and Out

TACKY

[tackynantucket]

STRIP CLUB set to open on Nantucket ( FINALLY!!!)

 The Island rejoices as construction has begun on “HOLES” Nantucket’s first adult entertainment venue. In a very double secret location behind the airport work crews are busy pushing to get HOLES open in time for the 2015 summer season. After some initial backlash and typical island brewhaa, town officials conceaded to bring this much needed type of entertainment to the island.  Sal Pavones ower of two other “ HOLE’S”  Gentlemans club in Providence and Bridgeport Ct, said,  “ Hey, we bring the goods. This place has got everything, excpet a good tity-bar, that’s where I come in!”  While some seem suspect of this new business venture, many are excited to enjoy some quality  entertainment  and the all you can eat buffet HOLES plans to offer.

[tackynantucket]

MAIN ST. SINK HOLE REVEALS NEW GATE TO HELL!

Much to the surprise of Nantucket residents, the sink hole that cracked open this past Friday on upper Main street, revealed a fiery gate that apparently leads directly to HELL!   HDC was quick on the scene to address the issue, as this new gate to eternal damnation was clearly not up to HDC standards.  The sink hole was quickly roped off and and a security guard was put in place to guard this unique Hell-Hole.  While some were alarmed by this new discovery, many locals seem unphased by this new revelation. The Island has seen so many changes over the last 10 years, that a gate way to hell is really just par for the course out here.  Town selectman Rory Micklesbaugh had this to say “ look, a gateway to Hell is a rare find, and I’m sure it will be a hit with summer residents given their quick tempers.”   It appears there are plans to patch this new hole ASAP  by the DPW  which will set the stage for and epic battle between the DPW, Satan and the HDC.

tACKy-+

[tackynantucket]

WICKED HOT GIRL MOVES TO NANTUCKET

Last week Carrie Overton arrived on Nantucket much to the applause of single men on the island. There is very little information so far on just HOW and WHY she arrived on Nantucket. Details are sparse, but she is originally from Philly and a recent graduate of Providence college her Facebook page states. It also appears that she traveled to Indonesia with another VERY VERY HOT friend recently. Apparently Carrie has been seen at various locations through out the Island causing much speculation.  “ I was behind her in line at Hatch’s the other night, and she was definitely HOT ! She was buying a six pack of Magic Hat, which I thought was really cool”  said Dave Evens , a 25 year old landscaper. The Mysterious Carrie has also been spotted pulling out of the YOGA Room driving a  2014 black Volkswagon Touareg with licenese plate tags that read  24j- JK7.   Todd Devlin 32,  a local painter who has been single on the island for way to fucking long, is also perplexed by the arrival of this distractingly attractive girl!    “ I checked my TINDER like 45 times in the last week and she STILL is not showing up? It’s driving me Crazy!” It Seems Cisco Beach will be the likey spot for Carrie to hang out this summer, but some think she will be very busy probably working a restaurant job. Others think she could just be a summer kid whose here really early in the season?  We will bring you more updates as they unfold. 

-TACKY

[tackynantucket]

 OUCH!  

We here at tACKy work very hard to bring YOU the very best!  Let us first start by saying that this post has NOTHING to do with NANTUCKET (THANK GOD). So.....  PUFF PUFFF, COUGH. COUGH  Here we are, it is a rainy March Saturday and like most us, your scrolling through your  FB feed clicking on pictures of random people you KINDA know to see what their  DEAL is, or an X- girl friend who got really fat, or reading some post about what BAD shit is in our food that we should now be aware of??????  So,  it is with that very mind set that we bring you this GEM...... Enjoy!!! 

OVER AND OUT

TACKY+

[tackynantucket]

FIGAWI RACE ANNOUNCES MAJOR CHANGE!

The organizers of the infamous race announced this past Friday that they would be changing the race course direction with the race now STARTING in Nantucket and ENDING in Hyannis. Tad Whittlebalm a head FUGAWI organizer said " We finally realized that Hyannis is really more suited to accomodate race fans and sailors. With more emergency rooms, package stores, parking lots for urination, and trash cans for race fans to puke into, Hyannis is really a better fit."  Starting the race in Nantucket also shortens the trip for cars packed with dudes traveling to the event.  When asked about the new course change  Todd Stevens a junior sales analyst at Fidelity Funds in boston said " Wait.... what boat race?" Either way it appears the party and race will still go on, but the aftermath and clean up will be left for Hyannis to do deal with.

[tackynantucket]

MAN SKATES TO HYANNIS TODAY.

Holy shit folks... drum roll please.... this just in..... A dude  ice skated from Nantucket to Hyannis today!!... WTF? Yup, the Hyline is frozen in, the ocean is frozen, and If I see that  "ice wave" pic-series one more time on media outlets and FB I'm gonna puke in my mouth.  We don't need to see the pics anymore cause we're looking at this shit right now (so are the other 420'ers on a mid-day stroll).  OK, OK, OK, so no dude actually skated to Hyannis.. but someone might as well have, right? Oh and the Ice Wave Pic's are pretty EPIC- Anyway, WELCOME TO NANTARCTICA!  In the meantime watch these crazy wack-jobs over in the Norway showing us how to have fun with ICE.... Let's take a dip tomorrow at Hummock pond ? whose iN?

OVER AND OUT-

TN+ 

[tackynantucket]

YEA it's fuck'in cold..... Wouaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Well, folks we are in the thick of it, and Yea it's COLD and SNOWY BLAH BLAAH BLAH...... Just wait, In 4 months you'll be bitching about getting cut off by some "Blue-Plate Land Rover" at the intersection!  But come on now, it's called WINTER!!!! Not for nothing, thank God we are not in Boston! Oh, and look at this picture above.... this is Al""God-Damn"Roker in MIAMI... the other day.  So let's all be glad we didn't drop some serious $$ to get out of the cold only to still be FUCKING COLD.  Be happy for NETFLIX, enjoy the free time to get really drunk and chase YOUTUBE RABBIT HOLES!!. We have to mention that dudes are surfing too #neilmartilla.  Oh, and remember that there are still great bars are open; Cisco Brewery has been truly fun and a great way to commiserate with all the other frozen friends!  NIXS PUB, & Fairgrounds are all open too!  So get out and build the shittiest snow man EVER!  

OK OK That was positive, right?....... OK OK... THE TRUTH is WINTER SUCKS!

It's depressing and sad... but Spring is coming.... We hope?

OVER AN OUT!

[tackynantucket]

"Amazing Left Hand" now for sale on Nantucket Consignment's Facebook page -

 " This is the 'hand' of all left hands" says the new post to the widely popular Facebook page! Offered up solely for the purposes of beauty, art and other utilitarian purposes, this left hand surely will come in handy to those in need. The owner boasts of its specialties such as " tickling, picking scratching, and a superior middle finger. You don't wanna miss out on this Left Hand!  Come meet this Left hand in person to see it for your self. There will be a quick meet and greet this saturday at the Dream Land from 1:15- 1:20- pm   (All attendees Please wear gloves)     :)

[tackynantucket]

HAPPY NEW YEAR

May all of your weird and interesting dreams come true this year~ and speaking of Dreams how about the Winter FUGAWI weekend.... WHAT SAY YOU ??.........ANYWAY  Stay warm, Keep the fire stoked, pray for Surf, strum  your guitar, finish your books.. take the dog for long walks at 167.. and enjoy your seasonal depression :)

[tackynantucket]

Nor' Easter Spikes Nantucket Homeless population-

"Holy shitty weather-weekends Bat MAN!"   This weekend a nasty Nor'Easter gave the island a beat down  leaving many people stranded on the island (like this guy above).  With boats canceled and planes grounded, Nantucket's homeless population increased by %100.  This is great news for the Nantucket Homeless Shelter. Unfortunately,  The Nantucket Homeless Shelter doesn't exist. We spoke with Luke Raithew, who was stranded this weekend on the island, and he had this to say..

TACKY: So What's your story?

Luke: Is this a trick question?

TACKY: Not really? Just wondering what your doing here?

LUKE: I'm drinking, who are you?

TACKY: We just wanted to know if you are one those folks who got stuck here cause of the storm?

LUKE: There's a storm?

TACKY: Good luck to ya brother......

LUKE: Hey....... wait... you got any weed????