#"neud

[justsome-di]

Finally, it's here! A collection of short stories featuring the ensemble of Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs!

Seven short stories plus one chapter from the planned NEUD sequel, Notes From English Lit in one EPUB file ideal for ereaders, tablets, phones, etc. Most of these stories have previously only been available on Patreon.

You can download this story collection on Ko-Fi for $5 here. Patreon members can check Patreon for a free download link!

[justsome-di]

Alex rushed out of the bedroom, wide awake but clearly very confused. He found the speaker and turned it off right as Mariah was belting. Damián stopped his dance at the beep of the Bluetooth disconnecting, his arms falling to his side in disappointment. “That was a gay bop,” Damián said. Then, he accused, “Homophobia.”

nothing says merry christmas like accusing your boyfriend of homophobia

[justsome-di]

"You're drunk, baby."

Alex giggled and fell into Damian's chest. His eyes were half-lidded. His smile, sloppy.

"God, you're such a light weight." Damian rubbed his arm, pulling him in close. "Three glasses of wine and you're like this?"

"Dam?"

"Yes, baby?"

Damian was feeling the wine himself. His head was light. His cheeks were hot. The word "baby" slipped from his lips very liberally. Close to Alex on the couch, though, he felt so safe.

"I love you."

"Aw, I love you, too."

"No..." Alex sat up. He looked so cute. His face red and words slurring. "I really do."

Damian smiled. "Okay, baby. Come here."

He pulled Alex back down to his chest. Alex relaxed, body almost.

"I know you love me."

"How?" Alex asked.

"Mmm... the way you play with my hair when I'm falling asleep. And how you track my location on my phone. And how you make my coffee just the way I like."

Alex was a prefect boyfriend. He did everything without even needing to be asked. He just... knew Damian.

"You deserve all that," Alex said.

Damian held his breath.

Did he?

Did he really?

Alex buried his head into Damian's chest and wrapped an arm around Damian's waist.

Whatever the answer was...

Damian was happy just living in the moment.

[justsome-di]

Happy Pride to all the LGBTA babes from the world's greatest ally, Leo

...

[justsome-di]

These numbers are still so fucking wild to me

Over 6,000 people clicked on NEUD, over 100 people subscribed for new chapters, there were over 200 comments

Every so often I get an email saying someone left a kudos, and I'm always so so in awe that people are reading NEUD

If you were one of those people, thank you so much <3

[justsome-di]

"i'm tired of gay romance that's just two skinny, white boys"

nobody ends up dead in a bathtub, everyone keeps their organs features an interracial couple in their 30s with one being plus-sized

"no one writes about lesbians it's all about mlm"

neud has a lesbian pov character and even though she has a smaller role, she's going to be the main character of the sequel

"romance novels romanticize mental illness and push a narrative that a relationship can fix you"

Damián and Alex both struggle with mental illness and while companionship/emotional support is a significant healing tool for them, they don't fix each other

"romance novels have extraordinary characters. i want characters who are just some guy"

alex mccall is just a secretary in new york city making just enough money to live in a tiny apartment. he has no hobbies besides making fancy coffee for himself. but he is kind. he's just some guy.

"sex is always awkward in romance novels and couples are too chaste. it feels puritan."

damián is a sex worker and escort, and you see/hear about his appointments throughout the novel. alex is a 33-year-old virgin who just. wants to have sex. the plot is actually "these men are using puritanical views of sex to fuck with other people."

"romance novels aren't good, i want something serious"

neud literally won a pulitzer prize and handles serious topics. it just so happens to do it with romance

"romance novels have annoying, one-dimensional side characters"

neud has fairly 3d side characters with struggles like manipulative parents and failing college courses and struggling to make good friends in your 30s

"wait a minute--you're creating strawman arguments to support neud!!"

Yes I am!!! You should check out Nobody Ends Up Dead

[justsome-di]

Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs: Final Chapter

Summary: Alex is an ordinary, highly-introverted office worker. He clocks in and out and goes home to his little apartment he shares with his younger sister. He hasn’t dated in years by the time his co-workers set him up on a blind date.

The only issue is he and his date are not on the same page. At all.

While Alex thinks it’s a normal date, Damián is under the impression Alex is a client who paid to be there. No-so-quickly, they realize something is up. It’s all a prank. Damián is a sex worker Alex’s co-workers hired as a sick joke.

After reassuring that they’re both okay, Alex decides he wants revenge for both him and Damián. The plan is to use the stigma of sex work and start a 6-week, scandalous fake dating scheme with a big finale at the office Halloween party. Alex’s co-workers will be too horrified to try to prank him again. At least, that’s the plan.

You can also read this on AO3. If you want to read more adventures of the NEUD cast and see other works by me, you can subscribe to my Patreon for only $4! If you’ve enjoyed the story and want to support me in other ways, consider dropping me a message in my inbox or reblogging this post!

And thank you for reading this silly, little story. It means the world to me <3

Damián rolled over, stopping when he felt another body. He lifted his head and opened his eyes. Alex was sitting up next to him, scrolling through his phone with bedhead and alert eyes. When he saw Damián looking at him, he smiled.

“What time is it?” Damián asked.

There was a pound of gunk in his eyes, and his mouth was dry and fuzzy. He hadn’t slept so soundly in days. His brain was running slow, and his body refused to move any more than it had to turn his head toward Alex.

“10,” Alex said.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I called in sick. They can cope without me for a day.” Alex set his phone aside. “I thought maybe it’d be a good idea if I hung around today. Just in case we want to talk anymore. Or if you wanted a little company.”

The tables had never been turned like that before. It was always Damián providing the company. Not that he was complaining. It was nice. It was wonderful. He was glad Alex finally understood.

“I’d like that,” Damián said.

“Do you want breakfast?”

It was a loaded question. Damián pulled himself up, preparing to start his long explanation. Food was hard to stomach at the moment. He could eat some things but not others. Even if he felt like trying something, he might not eat all of it.

He had fasted so harshly the past few days. He didn’t know what he’d be able to eat or if he’d fall into a binge in front of Alex.

“We can do something small,” Alex said, not quite backtracking but offering a lifeline. “However much you want. Just maybe we should eat a little?”

“We can do a small home brunch,” Damián said, trying to sound casual.

“I’ve never done brunch before!”

“This is like a queer initiation. We’re doing at-home brunch.”

“Please be here for my first brunch.”

He liked the way Alex said “we.” “We” could eat a little. There was no pushing. There was no anger. It was just understanding, patience, and solidarity. The promise of making food into something more than just eating—a bigger bonding moment—eased some of the uneasy turning in Damián’s stomach.

Damián pulled himself up even though it was hours before he would have willingly gotten up on any other day. He pulled on a shirt, borrowed from Alex, that actually fit well. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he cataloged that information.

Eve was standing in the middle of the living room, dressed and with her school bag on her shoulders. She stared ahead. Leo sat in the kitchen with his phone pressed to his ear.

“What’s going on?” Alex whispered.

“I would love to,” Leo said. “My brother went out the other night, and what this student told me was he was at the bar, and then all of a sudden he wasn’t—he was, you know. He was acting different. Like he was really drunk. But he hadn’t been there all that long. The bartender said he had only served him a glass of wine. And then the man my brother was with was trying to get him out of the bar. He apparently left when some people confronted him and offered help.”

Damián’s heart sank. Alex’s hand came to rest, lightly, on his back. Damián could have easily inched forward to break off the contact, but he leaned into it.

Leo took a quiet, deep breath. He laid his free hand on the countertop.

“And someone else managed to call me from his phone,” he continued. “She was a nurse, apparently. And she told me where they were and what she thought had happened, and I met them down there. And he was—he wasn’t okay.”

He was quiet for a minute, allowing the man on the other side of the phone to speak. He closed his eyes. His chest was heaving in and out.

“No, it wasn’t that,” Leo said. “He was totally out of it, and the bartender said there was no way he could have gotten that drunk. And he was sober when he got there. I saw him right before he left.” And I’m sorry that there’s no proof. My brother just wants to move on. He doesn’t want to press charges, and he didn’t go to the police or anything right after. It’s really time-sensitive, you know. And now that we lost the opportunity to get proof—yes, sir. That’s exactly right.”

Leo listened for a few more seconds and then quickly pulled his phone away from his ear and turned on the speakerphone.

“—really am sorry that that happen to your brother. That doesn’t reflect our company, and we would never support someone who would do something like that.”

“But your employee did do it.”

“Right. Right. I did contact the bar late last night as soon as I received the email, and they did confirm what you told me, and I’ve been conducting a thorough investigation since. So, the only option moving forward is our company will be cutting ties with Mr. Trills.”

Leo punched the air. Eve relaxed a little in her stance. Damián felt a little something inside him settle and loosen.

“I mean, that’s unfortunate, but honestly, it’s a relief to hear after what my family has been through.”

And when Leo said it, he didn’t just look at Damián. He looked at Eve, too, and then with great reluctance, Alex.

“I hope you all find comfort in that decision, then. And thank you for being willing to talk about this.”

“Yeah. No problem. Thank you for listening.”

“Have a good day.”

“You too, Mr. Parkwood.” Leo hung up and slammed his phone down on the counter. “Fucking got ‘em.”

Eve jumped up and down, squealing and clapping her hands. It was the most emotion Damián had seen from the kid.

“You’re going to be late,” Leo told her, stern. “Go.”

“I’ll be back in a few hours!” she said. “Damián, we’re celebrating tonight!”

Damián watched her run from the apartment and slam the door behind her. Alex nudged him a little toward the counter and to the seat next to Leo.

Damián didn’t know what to do with his little victory. He was happy, of course, but he wished it hadn’t had to happen. He didn’t blink for a few seconds too long. He ground his teeth together, starting a little bit of a headache at his jaw and traveling up to his temple.

Alex put his hand on his back. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

“Was that all good?” Leo asked.

Damián smiled and cupped his cheek. He pulled his hand back and lovingly slapped Leo’s face, making it split into a smile.

“You were wonderful,” Damián said. “You were perfect. Thank you for doing that.”

Leo shrugged and looked away.

“I’m going to order brunch for all of us.” Alex pulled out his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants. “Do you guys like French toast? I’m already thinking of a place.”

“Can I get pancakes?” Leo asked. “Please? If it’s an option.”

“Oh, you’re nice to him now that he’s getting you breakfast,” Damián said.

“I’m easily bought.”

As Alex placed their orders, Damián started to figure out how the coffee pot worked. Alex exclusively kept bougie, gourmet coffee in his cabinets. If Damián wanted anything fancier than a bag he could grab at a grocery store, he went to a coffee shop and had someone brew it for him. He always thought it was pointless to buy something expensive if he had no idea how to brew it. It was like picking up a Stradivarius after a few violin lessons.

But Alex had fancy contraptions on his counter. He knew how to roast coffee well. Damián stared at the bag and at the glass carafes tucked away in the corner.

Alex took the bag from his hands. “I got this.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“No, I’m just doing this for you. You can chill.”

Damián fell into the stool next to Leo. Without something to keep him busy, he didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t you have a class?” Damián asked.

“My prof let us have the day off to work on our capstones.”

“So, are you going to work on it?”

“Probably not. I’ll be honest.”

Alex poured three cups of amazing coffee that Leo “tainted” by adding sugar and milk. Damián wasn’t a huge fan of black coffee, but he didn’t want to insult Alex’s special blends by adding anything. Just like last time, he trusted Alex’s barista skills.

Alex took a test sip of Damián’s coffee to make sure it was cool enough to hand over. Again, Damián didn’t burn his lips or tongue.

Brunch came to the door just after 11, and they set it up at the limited counter space.

Over a mouthful of pancakes, Leo told them all about his capstone project. Alex, Damián could tell, was trying his best to understand. He asked questions, and Leo was actually polite and patient as he explained it all. Leo’s manners might have taken a dip over the past month but at least he wasn’t pretentious. Damián barely kept up with all the math jargon himself, but eventually, he let the conversation fade behind him.

Damián picked up the trash of the takeout bags and containers and tucked his barely-touched breakfast away in the fridge. Alex insisted he try again later. Even if it took all day, Damián promised himself he would try finishing the modest serving of French toast.

Eve called Leo to scream in his ear that her professor graded her test in front of her and that she had passed with a grade that wasn’t fantastic but that she could definitely pass the semester with.

It was the first time Damián had watched Leo be so excited for someone else. He was glowing. His little protege, he said, had done so well.

And sitting there, watching Leo congratulate Eve and Alex pour more coffee for all of them and hearing Eve’s excited squeals on the other end of the phone, he hoped that he would get to have many more mornings like that. And, by the way everyone was laughing, he was almost sure that there would be.

He believed, at his core, that he deserved a happy ending. And while he wasn’t sure what it was going to look like, he was fairly certain that he was getting a happy middle to lead up to it.

[justsome-di]

Paid members on my Patreon got to see the new chapter from the current draft of NEUD. It replaces the chapter where Eve cries to Damián over failing her math exam. This version, she tries crying to Alex and then cries to their mother--sort of (hopefully) setting up the sibs' relationship a bit more clearly than it was in the last draft of NEUD.

Here's an excerpt:

“Mom? She’s crying again. I don’t know what to do.” Crying was an understatement. Eve was sitting on the floor, head thrown back, and letting out wails that broke the sound barrier. “She said she failed her math midterm or something. I don’t know.” Alex pressed his finger in his ear to block out the sounds of Eve’s sobs. Their neighbors were going to complain again as they often did once Eve started living there. If she wasn’t crying over school, she was blaring music. If she wasn’t blaring music, she was blasting a podcast host’s descriptions of brutal murders. The walls of the apartment were thin, she had yet to truly realize. Growing up in the 90s, Alex had a good number of noise-making toys that, once their batteries ran low, became obnoxious. He shoved them under blankets and pillows or in the deepest corner of his closet until his mother replaced the batteries or decided to dump the toy in a Goodwill bin.  He wished he could do the same with Eve, but she was a breathing, living girl. Not a Ferbie.  “Let me talk to her,” their mother said, and Alex more than gladly passed his phone to Eve.  While Eve wailed into the phone, Alex escaped to his bedroom. The flimsy door didn’t sit well in the frame, and the sounds of Eve sobbing her explanation to their mother seeped in through the gaps.  When Alex’s parents asked if he would be willing to take Eve in while she was in school, he had agreed because he believed he would have a few years to prep. Eve was still in high school—only 16. But as it turned out, she was, in fact, 18 and was moving in in a few short months. A year later, Eve was still there. A pest.  But he hated thinking of her as a pest. He loved her. He supposed he had to, at least. People typically loved their siblings. It had to be in him somewhere.