#; play

[ahyngkm-blog]

Dear Taehyun

✎ [ askmeme: “Send me one “Dear—” and I’ll write a letter to this person” ( here! ) ]status: not accepting!

Dear Taehyun aka The Bully™,

Should we start off this letter with a fun fact, hmm? When you receive this letter (finally, after a century and a half of waiting ㅠㅠ ), it’ll probably the 24th of October, 2016. That’s not the fun fact, though. It’s actually that the day you read this marks exactly one month since we’ve met, and something about that makes me feel reaaally warm inside. 

We’ve come so far from one month ago, don’t you think? It’s pretty funny, actually, when you think about how we’ve transitioned from you waving your scissors at me and threatening to cut me, a poor innocent Christmas present, up (was that how it went? I can’t remember, oops! ㅎ) to The Bully™ and The Bullied™. I like to think that we’re close, I wonder if (and reaaaally reaaaally hope) you feel the same way too? 

I don’t know where we started picking up the siblings title. I think it’s pretty amazing how flustered you get when I teasingly call you 오빠 (note to self: he gets super red in the face) but I did call you that for a good reason though, aside from wanting to make you combust into confetti! There’s something about you that’s.... really protective, and caring? And I like that a lot – love that a lot, actually. Even though you’re younger than me, you still exude the warmth of an older brother (or maybe that’s because you tell me I act like a baby?) and I remember feeling butterflies when you told me that you wouldn’t want your university friends to get to know Ahyoung (as opposed to Yura) because they’d bully me, and you didn’t want that. Which is surprisingly ironic because you’re the one who actually bullies me 99% of the time. HMMPH. (ง'̀-'́)ง

I remember something you told me once... something along the lines of, ‘there’s something about you that encourages me to open up’, and I meant every single word, every single letter, every single breath when I told you that it made me feel all happy and tingly to know that, because I know it’s incredibly difficult for you to do that. I can sense that... there’re more things you’ve yet to tell me, some that you might never want to, but I want you to know that I’m always here to listen. I’m always here with open arms (whether or not you want to be hugged by them or bite them like you always do), with a mug of warm chocolate milk and a pile of blankets. I won’t speak if you want me to, I’ll simply listen. No judgement at all. It’s a little scary how I’m actually beginning to trust you so much, but it’s because you’re... one of the few people that actually understand me, y’know? And that says a lot. I remember feeling really, reaaally floored when you told me that it’s not easy for me to open up, because all along before I’ve always thought that I was an open book – easily read, with secrets easily deciphered by the naked eye but it was only after listening to that one casual comment of yours that I realized that I’m actually holding back more than I think I am. Your words may not be gentle sometimes, but they’re genuine. You may not see me as... hmm... someone you really really like (???) or feel affection for, for lack of better terming, but I do want to keep you by my side for a long time to watch all the Marvel movies with. Even if it means you’ll steal up all my food :c 

I want you to do something for me, though. It might be hard to, now, but I hope you’ll open up this letter sometimes and read this part to yourself often – and I’m hoping you’ll believe in it more and more as time passes. Here goes!

{ I’m not a bad person.

I’m NOT a bad person.

There are people by my side who love me, who appreciate me, and who I can rely on when I’m feeling down, or weak. If I lose my temper in front of them, they can handle it. They’re strong enough for me, more so than I believe. 

I’m not a bad person. There’ll be people who’ll stay by my side, and Ahyoung is one of them. 

I’m not a bad person. There’re people by me, and even more out there, who’ll appreciate me and take me the way I am. I’m not a bad person. }

And of course, I promised you a playlist! Here it is, and happy one month, 오빠!  u w u 

1. Little Star – Standing Egg2. circles – EDEN3. 이 곳 – Subin4. Crying Crying – Crywolf5. Paper Hearts – Tori Kelly 6. 1000x – Jarryd James

You’re the Kiba to my Tasha, the wolf boy to my baby bat and the Bully™ to my Bullied™. I love you. 

♡, Ahyoung.

P.S. DELETE ALL THE RECEIPTS YOU HAVE ON ME IMMEDIATELY  T ^ T 

[ahyngkm-blog]

dear person i have/had a crush on,

✎ [ askmeme: “Send me one “Dear—” and I’ll write a letter to this person” ( here! ) ]status: not accepting!

Dear person I had a crush on, 

I guess I’ll try my best to keep this short, because you’re no longer in my life anymore, hmm? My memories of you are locked up tiiiight in my heart and although my feelings for you have faded, you remain a precious memory to me, forever and always.

It was nice, honestly, the fact that we used to go for random breakfasts in the morning, where you’d just barge into my house and drag me out bare-faced and pretty surprisingly, I didn’t mind any of it! ㅋㅋㅋ And you’d be away for long absences at a time but I’d rock your phone with text message after text message just updating you about what’s been happening in my life although I know you’d be spending long hours focusing at the studio to produce hit after hit, because you once told me that you adored waking up to 15 messages all from Kim Ahyoung, all received overnight. And then you’d finally text me back after what seemed like an eon and it’d just be you interrogating me if I’d been talking to any boys (unfortunately, this female idol doesn’t have as an interesting love life as you might think) and in return I’d interrogate you back about who’s been talking to you and you’d plead innocent, pfft!

I don’t know when it all changed, though. Perhaps it was when Salmon Girl started getting me a little antsy, and I was uneasy for some indiscernible reason, or maybe it just progressed naturally, but one day I didn’t really see you simply and plainly as the reliable 오빠 who happened to move into the same apartment complex with me one day. Perhaps it was always there in the back of my head after our dating scandal broke up, ‘what if’s colliding against one another with increasing frequency and intensity, building a pressure so strong that it finally burst and made my heart squeeze that one day when you decided to take me out on a spontaneous date (was it really a date? You never answered verbally, but only with your hand). 

And now you’ve left in physical presence, but you’ll always be here in the back of my brain as a fond memory. You’ve never hurt me once, and although it was nothing more than a simple crush, it was incredibly sweet, and not once have I ever felt sad. It may not have developed into ‘like’, but nevertheless, I’ll never forget that one night you stopped to offer me a lift. I hope you’ll never regret it too, ‘mmkay?

♡, the kitten who used to wait for you at home, Ahyoung.

P.S. Ah, I completely failed at keeping this short. Again. What’s new? T ^ T 

[ahyngkm-blog]

Dear Mom & Dad

✎ [ askmeme: “Send me one “Dear—” and I’ll write a letter to this person” ( here! ) ]status: accepting!

Dear Mom & Dad,

Mmm… Is it too cliché to start off a letter with an ‘I miss you’ and an ‘I love you’? It might be, but to be truthful they’re the first words I thought of from the very moment I wrote your names down, and they’re the very same words I think so often when you come to my mind every single day. I thought of these words when I was feeling lonely as a trainee, and I couldn’t go home to Ulsan to celebrate my birthday because the company didn’t allow me to. I thought of these words when I was standing on my debut stage for the very first time, the only sliver of clarity I could grasp at the moment amidst murky, dazed thoughts and complete befuddlement thanks to the stage lights which might or might not have rendered my vision almost completely useless at that point (I’m glad I didn’t trip and fall flat on my face at least!). I thought of these words when we won the Best Dance Performance for the female category at MAMA in 2014, because I knew you’d be watching. So… it isn’t too cliché if I say these heartfelt words genuinely and sincerely, I hope?

So…. I miss you, 엄마, 아빠. And I love you lots and lots and lots too!

엄마, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss waking up to the sounds of you scurrying around in your kitchen with all your numerous pots and pans and bowls as well as the mouthwatering smells of your 된장 찌개. Seoul has numerous 된장 찌개 restaurants littered around the streets of 홍대, 명동 and 이태원, and I’ve eaten at too many of them to count but none of their dishes can ever match up to yours, 엄마. I think it’s because you put so much love into every single thing you cook for me, even down to the simplest 반찬 dish, and I want you to know that even though in the past as an immature kid I might’ve taken you and your cooking for granted at times (especially when I’d sulk about being too sleepy to eat breakfast, pfft!), I want you to know that I’ll never do that again. Even if I’m full to the point where I feel like I’m about to burst at the seams, I promise to finish every single drop of soup and every single grain of kimchi fried rice. It’s a pinky promise!

아빠, your silly 딸 misses you so much!! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ…. apparently i give off the weirdest first impression to people sometimes, and I blame it all on you! I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. 엄마 knows it, and she acts like she’s not phased by we both know she’s secretly jealous ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ…. i’m always, always grateful for you because for the years I’ve spent as an aimless teenager wandering around listlessly, grappling for something to pursue, you’ve never failed to support me throughout. When I wanted to study art at first in college which is admittedly a really, really unusual path to take in such a pragmatic society, you were right behind me. And when I abruptly changed my mind and told you tearfully that I wanted to train to become an idol, a performer onstage, you were hesitant at first. I don’t blame you for being stern, because I understand that you were worried, given that Dream Tea wasn’t an established entertainment company, but I’m glad you believed in me, 아빠 (although I know you caved mostly because your heart can take it when the waterworks go off ㅎㅎㅎ)! I’ll never take your support for granted, because I know that the dreams of many young adults out there don’t get the same kind of support, and my heart aches for them.

엄마 아빠 사랑해! ♡

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡너의 딸

PS. 보고싶어……….. 하.

[ahyngkm-blog]

❝you’re a coward.❞

✎ [ askmeme: random sentence starters! ( here! ) ]status: accepting!

Let’s get one thing straight here – Ahyoung is absolutely terrified of horror movies. They scare her to bits, the occasional appearance of the drowned one, tendrils of wet hair hanging like a curtain of seaweed over waxen skin bloated blue sending a storm of shivers traversing up her spine.

But the irony of being such a quintessential scaredy-cat is embedded in how she eagerly seeks the thrill anyway, regardless of the fact that a hundred percent of the time she ends up missing nearly half of the movie because her face is usually planted in a pillow, or a bunch of sheets, or the nearest snuggle-friendly surface she can get her hands on. This time, though, her cheek is pressed against her best friend’s left shoulder, eyes squeezed so tightly shut that she can see red and orange bloom dizzyingly over her field of vision as the gooseflesh-raising notes of the discordant music plays in the background.

❝ A- Am not! ❞ she argues back weakly, but the fact that her stutters resemble a childish whimper laced with trepidation hardly does much to support her claim. She peeks an eye open, lashes fluttering hesitantly as she steals a look at the screen but to her misfortune she’s met with a sudden jump scare and immediately she yelps, features twisting into a wince as she burrows her face deeper into the comforting material of Jonghwa’s pullover. Her breath hitches in her throat, strained knuckles washed white as she clutches his arm like it’s the only thing keeping her spirit grounded. It’s a comical sight because she almost resembles a (very, very frightened) koala, lithe fingers gripping his arm tight but even in her fearful haze she takes care not to leave any painful crescents on his skin.

A couple of minutes pass, after which she perks up a little, looking up in an attempt to grab Jonghwa’s attention. But he’s completely focused on the events happening onscreen and words her fail her, so she’s left to resort to tugging his sleeve, a silent apology dancing in her eyes as she gazes up. You’d expect Ahyoung to be pale, but instead her cheeks are flushed scarlet with adrenaline, eyes bright and feverish as she speaks.

❝ Jonghwa, ❞ she whispers with all the curiosity of a child. ❝ Wha-What’s happening? Did he die yet? ❞

[ahyngkm-blog]

Dear Santa

✎ [ askmeme: “Send me one “Dear—” and I’ll write a letter to this person” ( here! ) ]status: accepting!

Dear Santa, 

I think I’m in trouble. I haven’t even started writing the actual letter yet and there’s already a biiiiiig smile plastered on my face like a little child, and I’m already told that I act 5 years younger than my age (oops!) ㅎㅎㅎ but I guess that’s what you do to me, Santa 아저씨!

First off, let me start by saying that I’m a big, big fan. Possibly the biggest – I’m probably the only person who stocks up on gingerbread men and candy canes in the middle of June (they’re really hard to fine then, sighs) and chews on them at 3 in the morning near the end of August when my tummy’s getting a little achy. I also think a little part of me actually looks forward to your birthday more than my own… and could you blame me, honestly? I adore Christmas – everything about it! I know that some people absolutely hate it when Christmas jingles start playing in the grocery stores right after Halloween ends but I promise I’m not one of them! In fact, I get a burst of ecstatic energy and my toes start moving almost automatically in time with the beat to ‘Jingle Bells’ and I may or may not hum a little too loudly. HMM. In hindsight, that’s probably not the best idea given that I’m supposed to attract as little attention to myself as possible but all in the spirit of Christmas, am I right? 

I don’t know if you remember, but I actually met you once as a seven year-old, Santa 아저씨. I did think it was really strange that you materialized in a mall out of no where and that your rare appearance didn’t make international headlines but I was starstruck all the same! And as you balanced me on your lap and I asked for a new set of oils and brushes for Christmas I remember your beard being reaaaally scratchy. Almost as if it was made out of fake white hair…. hmm. But I didn’t mind it, either way, because it was Santa, and I loved Santa to bits!

That being said, we’ve come to the part of the letter that I’ve been looking forward to writing the most! I’ll now channel seven year-old Kim Ahyoung and write you a Christmas wish list ㅋㅋㅋㅋ… I’m still eligible, aren’t I? Please say I am. I promise not to make it (too) long, ‘mmkay?

Kim Ahyoung’s Christmas wish list:

1. a puppy. 2. time to actually raise a puppy properly3. lots and lots of success for girl’s day!4. plenty of hot chocolate, whipped cream and blankets to keep warm for the winter5. for 할머니 to support me… although i’m not sure even you can fulfil this one! my 할머니’s a stubborn woman just like her granddaughter, y’know? ㅎ6. more time to visit ulsan and my parents. time to bring the people i love back to visit ulsan with me7. to visit paris and london 8. to get to know lots and lots more people and build cherished bonds with them, of course!

That’s all for now, Santa! AH– but remember to keep warm and drink lots of hot eggnog and put on plenty of thermal wear and winter coats, ‘mmkay? The North Pole might take a toll on your joints one day and we can’t have that, can we?

♡, your biggest fan and True Lover of All Things Gingerbread, Ahyoung.

[ahyngkm-blog]

「 ✉ ー> baby girl 」when is the wedding? you two look quite fucking serious already.

✎ [ askmeme: Jealous messages ( here! ) ]status: accepting!

[ ✉ 1:01 » 대 🎸 ] 뭐… what is this about? [ ✉ 1:03 » 대 🎸 ] OH– ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ[ ✉ 1:04 » 대 🎸 ] did you watch my drama online like i told you to, dae? sfjdk suddenly im smiling??[ ✉ 1:04 » 대 🎸 ] i told you, silly, im bound by contract to film kiss scenes >////< and plus i honestly don’t remember them anyway… i’m always too jittery to feel anything after 😰[ ✉ 1:05 » 대 🎸 ] don’t worry about it, ‘mmkay?? i’m not gonna get married to him anytime soon ㅋㅋㅋ but it makes me happy that you’re so worked up–[ ✉ 1:06 » 대 🎸 ] it means that this baby tomato’s acting was realistic, right?? 🙈

[ahyngkm-blog]

dear person of my dreams,

✎ [ askmeme: “Send me one “Dear—” and I’ll write a letter to this person” ( here! ) ]status: accepting!

Dear person of my dreams,

I’d say I long for you, but I revisit you in my thoughts a little too often so I’m satisfied for now! HMM– I would never have thought that I’d actually write a letter to you one day, but I’m not complaining. I’ll keep this letter, fold it gingerly and carefully tuck it deep in the middle of my favorite romance novel, and I’ll show it to you one day. Pinky swear, ‘mmkay? I like to think that I always keep my promises.

But ah… I’m digressing again, aren’t I? First and foremost I hope you’ll be able to withstand my rambling (because ugh, I tend to do that a lot??) because… fair warning! I tend to babble on and on about something like a child when I get excited, and I’m a very excitable person! Easily flustered, too, though I think you’ll have known by the time you get to reading this. But on to you, hmm?

Truth be told I used to have a really, really clear idea of who you were exactly in the past. They say every girl has her Prince Charming, and when I was much younger mine came in the form of Shang from Mulan (and let’s be honest here, I still have a weak spot for him to this very day). There was just something about him that was so manly… and imposing…. and charming. He captivated me, to say the least. Mulan has always been my favorite Disney movie by far because…. I wasn’t exactly the most confident girl around when I was a child, and though that’s improved by leaps and bounds thanks to onstage exposure, I still do have my moments and all! (And here’s hoping that you’ll indulge me in occasional Mulan sessions with a side of caramel popcorn, maybe?)

But as they say in fairytales, that’s once upon a time! I soon envisioned you as Jung Yunho 선배, (though I’m hoping he’ll never know about this because I can feel myself turning red and melting into a pool of mortification already) because back in 2008 when I’d just graduated fresh out of middle school, Mirotic was making a storm all across the South Korea, and I wasn’t an exception to this craze, of course. I suppose, now thinking about, there was something about this voice and his gentle mannerisms that really drew me in, though right now he’s just a friendly 선배 – I don’t see him like that anymore, though I’m more than a hundred percent sure that he’s a good man regardless! Quite interestingly, not only did our promotions clash in the beginning of 2014 but our song titles were the same too– ㅋㅋㅋ

But for quite some time now, my image of what you are exactly has become all blurry, as if I’m looking at you through a pane of frosted glass on a cold winter’s day. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t dated for a long time… (6 years to be exact!) or perhaps it’s simply because it can be hard to find love and keep to it when you’re working in an industry like this one, but perhaps that’s for the best. I don’t need you to be a Shang. I don’t want you to be the Jung Yunho that I watch from afar on television, because I know that when you come, you’ll erase everyone else.

When you appear – if you appear, which I’m really praying hard will happen – I’ll take you as you are. I’ll make the crook of your neck my home and cling to your waist and lap all day like your little koala bear. I hope you’re a good teacher, because I’m hardly experienced with matters of the heart, so I wonder if you’ll be able to guide me along the way. Or if you’re in a similar position, then maybe we could learn from each other. Like a curious student, I want to memorize every mark that mars your skin, every single scar and freckle. When you talk – when you tell me stories of when you were growing up and how you’ve been hurt before and how you came to be, I’ll sit with you between my legs and thread my fingers through your hair while imbibing every single word like a sponge. I’ll squeeze your arm so tight when we have horror movie marathons, because goodness knows I’m a sucker for those but I also suck at watching them all alone – and you’ll be there to hold so I know that I’m a hundred percent safe with you. 

By the time I’d have met you, I would have probably seen enough of the glitz and glamor that is intrinsically a part of the entertainment industry, so when we argue or I sulk like the little crybaby I am, I don’t need you to buy me an expensive diamond necklace that costs an arm or a leg. You see, growing up blessed I’ve come to appreciate the simpler things in life – even a single stalk of red rose or a 1,500₩ bar of cheap milk chocolate is likely to make me smile again, because protip: my heart is probably softer than silk tofu! I’d want a hug. I’ll soak up your warmth and revel in the scent that emanates from your shirt, so big that when I put it on it comes down to the middle of my thighs. I’ll breathe in the smell and presence that is uniquely you and blubber in your chest and everything will be absolutely a-okay again.

Forgive me if I’m a little incoherent, ugh, because I’m looking at the clock right now as I’m writing and I just realized that it’s 3am. I wonder if you’d scold me because I know a couple of friends who would, but mmmm… you can keep a secret for me, am I right? I’m really only up because of the nightmares – I wonder if you’ll be able to keep them away when I meet you? I hope you do. You see, in the future I want to wake up at 4 in the morning, roll over, see your sleeping face and know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m hoping that you’re in it. Pinky swear? Pinky swear. No going back on your word now!

♡, your baby tomato.

P.S. Is… Is it strange that I haven’t met you yet or maybe I have and I just haven’t realized it, but I miss you already?