Response to this . I fucking ran over here to write this before I knock out.
@agaywad
It has been almost a full week since he has returned from Spain, and his heart aches like the heartbreak is still fresh. It’s laughable that people always said that he never had a heart. He had accepted it, but this kind of pain does not sting like shame does. For once, it’s not out of fear that he will be viewed as some unemotional freak. He feels betrayed and lost.
Alex resisted contacting Claudia at first because he somehow still had a sense of pride about crawling back to her, and she probably doesn’t want him either. Not probably, she doesn’t want anything to do with him. It is clear by the way she ignores his texts and calls. But after so many attempts at this, he finally just decides to show up at her place.
Some part of him knows that this isn’t fair. Some part of him knows that this is cornering her. This is what Jackson would’ve done, and as much as he wants to deny it, he knows he’s being as much of an ass as that shit stain was to Claudia.
By some miracle, she let’s him in. They sit on opposite ends of the couch, and he doesn’t know why the distance feels like a jab.
No, he knows why. Everything about her body language says that she doesn’t trust him, and that makes him sad, not angry like it normally would.
He heaves a sigh, not knowing where to begin, “We’re not together anymore.”
He watches her take a sip of her coffee, and she finally responds impatiently, “And?”
“And... she--there wasn’t some pressure to be someone. It didn’t matter over there. I never knew that I was shoving myself into a box while I was here around the guys at the frat, you, and even my cousins. She didn’t expect anything from me, Claudia. She also didn’t fucking hate me or-- I don’t know -- want to secretly kill me. I really think... I really think she might’ve actually loved me, and I wanted to drown in it. I never felt that from you...”
His chest feels tight, and he idiotically wonders for a passing moment if he isn’t having a heart attack or something.
Claudia is quiet, but he notices her eyes watering. Fuck.
“It’s more complicated than hate, Alex. I give people what they give me. You give me a hard time a lot of the time and you say shit that makes me feel bad. You have to take a look at yourself, too. Not simply me.” She tilts her head up, definitely, and so she’s not making eye-contact. “I’m aware of my flaws and the fact that I can be ugly at times…but I do care. I wouldn’t put up with half of your shit or help you during your episodes if I didn’t.”
Alex rubs his chin. It suddenly dawns on him that he hasn’t talked to anybody else about this, and he could hold it together in his head not while he was talking about it to someone. He was going to look so fucking pathetic in front of Claudia. It was already too late the second he came over.
“Fine.” He sounds dejected, and even though it’s not really an apology, he isn’t in her face with the usual angry defense with something he knows that would land somewhere painful for her.
Claudia continues, “The thing is though, I’m the one who’s here. I might not be a dream girl and I’ve never been any of your girlfriends - and no this isn’t me asking - but I’m real. I accept you and all of your bullshit and ugliness. And in my head, that should be enough. But apparently it wasn’t and that’s what makes me furious right now.” She goes quiet again, causing him to look at her once about twenty minutes of that silence passes. And when he looks at her she can’t help but to strongly say, “So, I’m left here questioning what you want from me…”
“I--I don’t know...” he stutters. He feels like he might be kicked out any second and that it might be the last time he sees Claudia.
There’s a panic rising up in his throat, and he doesn’t have the energy to fight it.
“I don’t have anybody else...” He takes rapid breaths in between, “I thought I did, but all I have is y--you...” He’s starting to see spots in his vision, and he can’t breathe. There’s tears streaking down his face, slow and steady.
“Please,” he begs, “Don’t go.”