#;character analysis

[eraba-reta-unmei]

what does love feel like to you?

lightning

you feel like you're on top of the world. like you've been struck by lightning -- you hope that they feel the same. it's all electricity, those metaphorical sparks; all adrenaline and the rush you get when you're near them. they're magnetic, they have some sort of pull over you, and you live off of the high they give you. watch it; lightning never strikes the same place twice.

[eraba-reta-unmei]

CREATE SOMETHING IN THE WORKSHOP

a statue

bit by bit, you carve away the shape of a person, a figure that starts to feel more real the more material that you cut from around it. you make the legs, the arms, the torso, the head; this is your masterwork, your galatea. as you are carving the face, something slips; your hand, maybe, or a fault in the material, a defect in your tool. it leaves a slight chip across the figure’s smooth cheekbone. it has already been carved. it cannot be removed. you finish the rest of the statue. it is wonderful, by all accounts; if you can muster the ability to show it to others, they tell you that it’s a beautiful piece of art. you can’t take your eyes off the chip, though. the mark. no matter where you are in the room, your gaze finds it again, unerringly. you stare at it for hours. you dream of it at night. no matter how lovely the figure may be, no matter how beautiful the face, the imperfection haunts you. you start to hate what you’ve made. hate the mark. hate the figure as a whole. when you are alone with the piece, your fingers start to twitch. when you look down at a pile of smashed stone, you can’t tell if you are still caught in one of your desperate dreams. one of your hopeful nightmares. in the rubble, you can see a piece of the face. the chip still remains.

tagged by: @seascarred

tagging: steal it

[eraba-reta-unmei]

What are your hands covered in?

Calluses.

You have always known work. You have always known labour and the kind of love that is blisters splitting open, is people bandaging your hands after a long day. You are burned by the sun, whether it be your skin or your soul that is singed. There is not a part of you that isn’t scorched, turned tired and overused, as brittle as a piece of glass reflecting the dawn. You are strong, yes, but only physically. Is it worth it, this ache in your bones? Is it worth it each morning, to only ever give and work and never be offered a semblance of what you deserve?

[aragakisan]

HEADCANON: The catalyst to Shinjiro’s change

[ While Shinjiro has always been a reliable person even since a mere child, a certain event is what truly shaped him into the form of the stern, closed-off and emotionally introverted young man that we know him as - even before the events of October 4, 2007.

Though obviously not quite as close with Miki as her biological brother, during the four years of knowing each other before her passing, Shinjiro still grew quite close to the girl - even as far as to make her regard him as another big brother of hers, having known the boy ever since she could remember. After all, as Shinjiro and Akihiko were four years old at the time of their first meeting and Miki being slightly younger (I personally headcanon her based on fanart I’ve seen as something like a year or two younger at most) Shinjiro had been a part of her life almost as much as the to-be-boxer had. It was the same for the little boy as well, having looked after her and often done things to try to make her happy (like our beloved rank 10 doll story) and as the boys were her only friends, Miki became somewhat of a little sister to Shinjiro as well. He is someone naturally protective and caring, it was only natural for him to feel this way, as he did with Akihiko.

After the orphanage burned down taking Miki with its flames of destruction, everything about the boy’s naturally supportive caregiver personality was hugely reinforced - though to the point where its effects were quite negative. At this point the boy had become aware of Akihiko’s sensitive and emotional nature during the years spent together, it was obvious to younger Shinjiro that the tragedy would devastate him like no other event possibly could. Though traumatized and equally devastated himself, it was now up to Shinjiro to take over the protective and reliable role of an older brother like figure more than ever before.

Shinjiro has always been someone naturally selfless, putting the needs of others ahead of his own. Knowing the impact that losing Miki would have on his best friend, the older one of the boys decided to push his own grief to the side - a decision which transformed him into the solid, responsible and supportive person that he is, but also made him reluctant to show any of his weaknesses or inner struggles to most people around him and forced him to mature well before his time. He wasn’t even ten years old, but took it as his responsibility to stay strong for the sake of his friend, unwilling to reveal the impact that the tragedy had on him as to be able to offer security and support to the one person that needed it the most. So much so that Akihiko would become to mistake Shinjiro’s seemingly distant and silent reaction as simply not caring as much as he did, as Miki’s death not having the similar kind of effect on him as it had on Akihiko. “You should have felt the same, too!” he’d say, unaware of the internal struggle that Shinjiro went through to drown out his own feelings for the younger male’s sake. 

He never got a chance to properly grieve Miki nor to show it in any way, unlike Akihiko. Forcing himself to suppress (ironically enough) such a painful memory and emotions obviously took its toll on him. Since it made him forced to grow emotionally quite prematurely, it lead to his (sometimes overly) serious attitude toward most things compared to what I headcanon was a more playful and humorous, definitely more naive of a boy than after the incident. Being forced to hold feelings inside in turn made him react to having his softer or more vulnerable side being discovered or acknowledged extremely defensively (the so-called “tsundere” behavior we all known and love him for) and awkwardly. Especially so with Akihiko. He, if anyone - despite knowing him better than anyone else - is the last person that Shinjiro wants to show his vulnerable side to. Which is why, for instance, he never went to him after the incident with Ken’s mother but instead relied on suppressants and ran away (the same thing Akihiko complained about upon discovering this; “why didn’t you rely on me instead?”) Just as was with Miki's accident, he simply couldn’t openly show his weaker emotional state to Akihiko. He was supposed to be the emotionally stronger one, dependable - the person to rely on, the one to look after him.

And Shinjiro never let Akihiko know about this. He never complained or thought he should be grateful that he was willing to sacrifice his own emotional well-being for the younger boy’s sake. Instead he kept quiet, let Akihiko misunderstand things without ever protesting. That is how selfless Shinjiro is.

This all becomes the most evident in the manga. While Akihiko once again complains about Shinjiro not having felt the same pain over Miki as he had, Shinjiro’s inner monologue states this (misunderstanding) being because he is “not like“ Akihiko. Because Akihiko “never changed” but instead remained the same “laughably innocent fool of a kid” as always. Implying to me that the orphanage fire that took Miki with it was indeed the very catalyst, the very event that shaped Shinjiro’s personality into what it was, which was later negatively reinforced by the events of October 4th even further. ]

[aragakisan]

[ for the sake of everything that is good and sacred, please do not for a single moment think that i would feel that shinjiro could be “healed” through a romantic relationship. i want to make it perfectly clear that any shipping on this blog that is actual shipping (i don’t consider implying a crush or something lowkey as actual shipping, it is not dating) would not happen in p // 3′s timeline.

shinjiro before october 4th isn’t relationship material, that’s perfectly clear to me. it is also perfectly clear to shinjiro himself, which is why he wouldn’t try to pursue anyone that he is interested in during that time, for their sake. in fact he very much pushes them away, he knew something bad was coming his way and that he would only drag them down with his problems. 

he would only get into a relationship when he’s healthy and has his life in order. and no, just because the female protagonist makes him smile and act more relaxed at times doesn’t mean she’s erasing his problems or healing him and thus magically making him good boyfriend material. in fact the only way i feel shinjiro could be “healed” would be by getting forgiveness from ken, hearing it straight from ken himself. because the thing with ken’s mom is what’s causing him all this guilt and burden, which in turn made him start taking those suppressants. he needs closure on that before he could truly be happy. this could of course only happen post-nyx when he wakes up. and he wouldn’t be taking suppressants anymore after he wakes up, but that’s a longer post for another time.

even then it would take a long time for him to get over it and he will always feel a little bit guilty about it. it’s trauma. you don’t get over something like that so easily, even if you’re forgiven. but he could stop obsessing over it thanks to that and with everyone’s help and support. and after he gets better, that is when he would better work in a relationship. i do feel that the kind of intimacy a person can experience in a romantic relationship would do good for him, but it is extra, not a means of “curing” him. ]