#;kaz

[mizuta]

sorry thats my yearly tumblr insane moment sometimes mastodon character limit isnt enough.

[mizuta]

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

[kazacres]

rooted.

[kazxmp]

Attending the Summer Gala this year with his Heather. 🖤

Another Gala to go with his not boyfriend @heatherxmp , and Kaz will be anywhere there is alcohol , his Heather, or where the few people he holds close will be. Don’t stare at him too long, which we know will be hard with the femme outfit he has picked out to rock confidently, and you might get a pleasant interaction from him on the divine evening of the gala. If you’re cool with him, come say what’s up! if you’re not? maybe don’t. it’ll be a better time for everyone.

This year Kaz wanted to add a chic feel to pieces of clothing he normally wouldn’t be putting together, both taking a risk and exploring the limits of the ideas he had flowing. During that he almost broke Invidias ear drum over his frustration with the top so- he made that specific piece from scratch. to cover the spots he needed, to sit nice and snug against his chest, and to hug his slender frame without accentuating any of it.

The look is called ‘Toujours’

Kaz’ inspiration quote: “We only need to be one person. We only need to feel one existence. We don’t have to do everything in order to be everything, because we are already infinite. While we are alive we always contain a future of multifarious possibility.” -Matt Haig

[kazacres]

task 016 || wardrobe

kaz, as with all aspects of her life, likes to mix the traditional with something a little more edgy. the goth icon is first and foremost never without her magic staff. it completes any and every look. there is an essence of early harajuku streetwear, traditional kimonos, prints inspired by edo era artwork, and either high platform boots or geta. her color palette tends to remain in the realm of black, green, red, and purple. [ fashion ]

[kazacres]

task 015; halloween

kaz masaki as elvira, mistress of the dark.

black classic dress with bell sleeves, slit up the leg, and plunging neckline. iconic gothic makeup. bouffant hair. dagger belt and ruby ring.

[kazacres]

task 003 || playlist

kaz’s soundtrack ft.

over my head - judah and the lion

what's my purpose huh? what's my future? I don't know these are the questions I address before I go to sleep I wish my mind would turn off with the lights on my tv screen, but here in the dark, everything off I start to think it gets hard to breathe

the woods - hollow coves

we're all falling and we need a place to hide a safe place somewhere in the woods we can start the fire all we know is what would be our home we will stay 'til the break of dawn the cold night takes us to a place to escape the chill tucked up somewhere in the woods on a hill wake up feeling the cold in between our toes is there a way back? nobody knows

you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground - mayday parade

and I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams all my sandcastles fall like the ashes of cigarettes and every wave drags me to sea I could stand here for hours just to ask god the question, "is everyone here make-believe?" with a tear in His voice, he says, "son, that's the question." does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

sucker for the witch - clutch

she's made her appearances in many the rhyme and that's my cross to bear until the end of time better call the inquisition better put me to the test give me exorcism for I am truly possessed

[kazacres]

WHAT ARE YOUR MUSE’S AESTHETICS?

BOLD ANY WHICH APPLY TO YOUR MUSE. ITALICIZE WHAT THEY LIKE. REPOST OR REBLOG FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST

kazuya, the frog—

fire. ice. water. air. earth. light. darkness. wind. waves. lightning. thunder. claws. fangs. wings. gold. diamonds. silver. steel. leaves. grass. trees. roses. lilies. daises. daffodils. sunflowers. metal. iron. rust. rain. snow. lace. silk. velvet. cotton. denim. sun. moon. stars. blood. dirt. mud. sugar. sour. salt. honey. pomegranate. lavender. foxglove. glass. wood. paper. wool. bones. fur. smoke. ash. ocean. bruises. scars. spices. violin. flute. harp. drums. guitar. piano. bass. paint. charcoal. wine. weed. hard liquor. sweat. dust. bare feet. canine. feline. reptile. avian. amphibian. coffee. tea. chocolate. books. puzzles. scratches. petals. thorns. hay. glitter. heat. warmth. cold. steam. frost. candles. sword. dagger. staff. arrow. hammer. shield. gun. fan. spikes. sand. rocks. roots. feathers. pearls. rubies. sapphires. emeralds. herbs. clay. stone. brick. fish. lions. wolves. weasels. coyotes. foxes. ravens. flamingos. moths. bats. beetles. bees. frogs. rabbits. mice. mountains. mirrors. surfboards. dream-catchers. roller skates. arcades. leather. brown. black. white. grey. red. orange. yellow. green. blue. purple. pink.