✞ JANUARY EVALUATION
* DANCE PERFORMANCE ; POISON
jan 31st, 2020
if december was a trainwreck, january is when the remnants of the crash burst into flames.
first: woojin leaves sphere the day after november evaluations finish. daniel didn’t know. daniel didn’t know what to do, either, the one person he joined the company for gone, leaving him behind in it. still, he pushes on. he thinks of kenta, training in nova, and in the end, he didn’t want to leave woojin or kenta alone as trainees. he would do his best for kenta’s sake, even if they spent most of their time in different companies.
second: sungwoon, right before he leaves to go back home for christmas, tells him that once he graduates in april, he’ll be enlisting. just like that, and he’s left in the dust again, sungwoon able to run away from the bomb he’s dropped as he always does, but daniel can’t. daniel won’t be able to escape it, and the preemptive grief for a relationship daniel didn’t even allow to properly start. (it’s guilt, too. how long did sungwoon know? is he leaving because daniel can’t be what he wants? did sungwoon hold on hoping for better from him?)
(he asks him to be his boyfriend for real when he gets back. if we only have four more months, i want them to be the four months you deserve, he says. it’s not out of pity, and even if it is out of fear, it’s what he should’ve done a long time ago. he knows as soon as it leaves his lips. )
third: kenta leaves. as woojin was the first day of december, kenta’s is the first day of january, this departure and evaluation thrown at him on the same day, weighing him down. it feels like trying to breathe underwater. he wants nothing more than to leave. no one is keeping me here anymore. i can go back to empty enigma. but he can’t. soon, empty enigma will no longer have a lead vocalist, and there’s no empty enigma without squall. he still can’t look woojin in the eye.
january begins, and he knows, through the same dance moves repeated over and over, progress even slower than he expects, that nothing will be the same again.
he doesn’t let the others see his mourning. he calls upon the mask his mother taught him, and smiles and laughs and pretends he is not working through a fog. every time he feels himself slip, he thinks of jinyoung and yeji during the trio round, after sungwoon and minhyun’s eliminations-- how they scolded him for his moping and letting it interfere in their practice. he refuses to make the same mistake again. he doesn’t distract the others, but it still stunts his usual quick learning. he trips up in the same part of the dance, and the others have limitless patience.
he stays late and works harder, trying to make up for the time his heavy heart steals from him during their normal practice times, but sometimes he can’t help but cry. he can’t help but wonder what he’s doing, and if he has a place here at all. the singers are all better than him, the rappers are all better than him and the dancers are all better than him, and worst of all, he’s entirely alone.
maybe it’s hyunggu’s kindness that makes him cry, when he stays late with daniel to help him. he doesn’t deserve it for how much he wants to betray them and leave. he doesn’t deserve it for how pitiful and useless he is when it comes to performing as an idol would, but it’s like none of them care. they’re all intent on caring about him anyway, and maybe they can tell something’s wrong, because the rest of the boys all feel a little warmer than usual. maybe it’s only because daniel is so cold.
as the month ticks on, he focuses. he uses all of his energy to clear his mind, using his desire not to burden the others as motivation to pursue the best performance he possibly can. poison is no aju nice, and for that much, he’s grateful, but daniel will likely never be a dancer. he will always be a fish out of water. that means he just has to flop fast until it’s over. (maybe not the best analogy when he’s supposed to try and pass as a coordinated dancer.)
he opens up the dance alongside hyunggu, and while normally he wouldn’t mind, it puts him in the front far too early for his liking, with dancing more difficult than he’s comfortable with under a spotlight. the spin down and then back up during doyoung’s part is a part daniel struggled with throughout the month, practicing over and over, and he doesn’t know if he executes it well now. he doesn’t focus on his mistakes anymore, and instead just focuses on getting through.
he tries to channel the cameo focus, long untapped now-- that confidence and drive, the charm and ability to sell anything, even where he lacks.
the chorus is difficult too, but thankfully, hyunggu takes point, rightfully so, and daniel trusts that more eyes will be on hyunggu than him in the back. he has one brief moment to shine, however, or as daniel sees it, one moment of escape from the difficulty of the choru’s choreography. he looks directly into the camera as he rolls his shoulders, like he actually knows what he’s doing and thinks he’s doing it well.
the move following the chorus is coo, where he holds up a hand like a puppeteer and directs the rest of the boys to move side to side. he likes it, and hopes his work on it shows now.
his part in the prechorus helps him avoid more difficult dancing, too, and although he’s grateful, getting here now, part of him regrets it. even after spending all month feeling inadequate, with no right to be a trainee, now, there’s a sprout of greed. there’s part of him that wants to be good enough for sphere to not have to hide him in choreography anymore.
there’s one more chorus part for him in primary focus, and then nothing else, and although there’s relief, there’s a spark of something else he can’t quite put his finger on.
maybe it’s the desire, if he’s going to be here for another month, to make february a better one.
‘Oh, that’s a bit harsh an accusation, Captain. Didn’t like your supper much, did you?’ Hickey frowns. He picks away at something caught in between two of his teeth and leans back. With a sharp nudge of his foot, he makes the empty dinner plate clatter across the tent.
‘You wouldn’t believe the kind of stuff the doctor keeps in his bag of tricks. Poor Goodsir’s been real busy these days, what with all of those men lying sick. It wasn’t half a moment’s work, grabbing what I wanted, before he ever knew it was gone.’
He flourishes the little glass vial in front of Fitzjames, just out of reach.
‘Strychnine. Dunno what it’s used for in small doses, but what I do know is that makes a wonderful rat poison.’
Hickey shrugs.
‘Don’t worry overmuch, and try not to talk, ‘cause it’ll only get worse if you do. By the time you’re done having convulsions and making everyone panic, I’ll be long gone with my men and Crozier’s supplies.’
He leans closer and tuts, as if in sympathy.
‘It must be pretty hard on you. Just important enough to make for a good distraction, but not really important enough to be of any practical consequence. A shame, really, because I always liked you a bit better than Crozier.’
Hickey salutes Fitzjames in farewell. As he steps over him and reaches for the flap of the tent, he turns around and whispers:
‘If you’re lucky, you might even live through it. I’m not a complete monster. See, the dose wasn’t too high, or I’d have risked you dying before they find you. But if you don’t survive…’
His thin face lights up with a sudden horrible grin.
