<3v
i’m super unregulated rn and it’s exhausting me<3 for so many reasons but like. i wanna drink. i’m not fully sober , but i have really secure boundaries with myself abt drinking. and one is when bipolar is bipolaring bad i am not allowed to drink. and it’s so fucking annoyjnggggg. esp once my friends know im crashing out bc they won’t let me around it (thankful for them) n i don’t keep any in my house for this reason. and i won’t put myself in any position to be around it at this point. but like. i used to just chug something til i thought life was funny again and i felt silly. til this fuckass brain won’t let me stop drinking and i almost kill myself for the (??) time. and then i have flashbacks of the bad nights when i feel urges and then feel guilty for having them and then i start spiraling. on top of a bunch of really fucked up trauma resurfacing out of nowhere. im losing my fucking mind trying to process it. while my mom has been having an emotional breakdown for 6 months straight and keeps manipulating me into being her therapist. and then i feel like immense shit for not doing more with my little brother bc she’s been half a person . and i’m trying to separate and do things for me more but that’s a challenge when i come home everyday to my mom who is so fucked up and refusing treatment. i have so much concern and sympathy but im fucking exhausted. my entire life has been being treated as a servant by my parents and i’ve been putting walls up to stop that and i am doing my best man but i wanna run the fuuuuuck away
