#`tl.1

[ccxkana]

╰ the end of all things ╮{ 1st tl }

[ tw: death, depression ? ]

all she hears is screaming. maybe it’s in her head or maybe it’s in her throat or maybe it’s in her heart; maybe she doesn’t know what’s real anymore. everything feels like suffocating. it’s a haze and all she sees is red and betrayal and grief and her parents dying behind her eyelids again. too late. always too late. life is always slipping through her fingers again. she is always holding the knife even when she isn’t. even when jongin is holding the knife, it’s still hers to carry. it’s still her blood and her burden and how dare he. how could he do this to her? how could he leave her here with this?

and it’s still her that has to end it. it’s kana’s whip that finally rips out the remainder of taeyong’s heart after what feels like hours. she wants so badly to surrender and let his familiar consume her; she’s wanted to from the moment she saw jongin’s spear through his chest but she can’t let anyone else do this. they are all traitors and she can’t stand it-- can’t allow taeyong’s last moments to be spent looking into the face of someone that claimed to love him while being willing to sacrifice his life for nothing.

in the end kana is the last one standing by taeyong’s side as always; even ken’s loyalty isn’t enough to save him. maybe it’s his downfall. maybe kana is only here because she has a soul the universe refuses to take down with everyone she’s ever loved. (why is she still here? why, why, why?)

maybe this is what she deserves for always wanting this: someone, anyone to notice she’s been here all along. she didn’t want it like this. she doesn’t.

the sobs won’t stop. she can’t breathe; her chest feels like splitting open, but when she sees taeyong’s body emerge from his monster’s defeat, her vision only blurs more. she can’t see anything. two minutes isn’t enough. her heart is so heavy with i’ll never see him again. it’s over.

“taeyong,” she cries. “it’s me.” did you see me? did you know i was here? but she doesn’t have a right to wonder because she was too late to save him. (she’s always too late.)

╰ @ccxtaeyong ╯

[ccxkana]

╰ in a world with no sound ╮

it doesn’t take much. she is so tightly woven and carefully pieced together; she is a hurricane herself only because even a breeze may send all of her hard-earned composure to fragments.

this time, it is a memory, or maybe not. it’s something so real, she can’t recall if it actually happened or just could’ve, but they are all familiar faces: her, and jongin, and their brothers, and their parents. they are children again, and then they’re not-- floating somewhere in a space without time, where details don’t matter. it’s all fuzzy around the edges, but warm, and their laughter is distant and so unbearably close all at once.

when she wakes up, she jolts up in her bed and tears blur her vision before she can even fully grasp that it’s gone.

dreams are cruel in the way they take away reality. for a terribly wonderful, convincing moment, you forget everything-- forget that the days of gatherings between close families are over-- forget that they’re dead.

and yet upon waking, she remembers everything more clearly. she remembers neighborhood barbecues, and sungmin and jinwook passing a ball back in forth inside the house until seulgi’s mother told them to take it outside, and their parents gathered around in the kitchen with their drinks, discussing important adult things while the kids were free to cause as much of a ruckus as they pleased. she can’t recall much of her life that isn’t touched by them; there’s never a distinct memory where she meets them, they were just always there as soon as she was old enough to remember anything.

and she remembers all of it disappearing over the period of about six months, memories turned to nothing but death and unnecessary sacrifice.

her body moves of its own volition, and she’s outside before she knows it, knuckles turned white from clutching onto her phone so tightly. she pauses in the middle of the sidewalk to wipe her wet eyes, and stares up at the sky for a moment, trying to shake herself from her haze. some logical part of her remains-- reminds her that wandering so foolishly is the cause of the loss that weighs so heavily in her chest.

she sits down on the first bench she finds, and sniffs, and there’s a brief moment of hesitation before she finds a familiar contact in her phone.

< message ☇* smelly sock > hey, are you busy? < message ☇* smelly sock > how are we the only ones left < unsent >

╰ @ccjongin​ ╯