#{.lilith headcanons.}

[oflilxths]

.|| On Nightmares

Lilith has frequent nightmares. They’re not just “oh no I’m running from something, but I don’t know what” nightmares- these are terrifying, full-body nightmares. Sometimes they’re worst-case scenario type things where she didn’t succeed and has so suffer consequences, but other times they’re memories of real events. Although she’s been having these nightmares for as long as she can remember, it’s still a traumatizing occurrence for her and she typically deals with them alone to avoid feeling weak or vulnerable. Very few people know she has this problem and even fewer are around to help her through it. She’ll wake up scared, shaking, sometimes crying and it can be... difficult to help Lilith in anything, but especially in a state like that.

After these incidents, Lilith doesn’t really go back to sleep and instead will either take a walk to calm herself down or just wander around until the sun comes back up. Most of the time since she knows she has to deal with these nightmares, Lilith chooses not to sleep at all or to meditate for a while in place of sleeping. 

[oflilxths]

. || Young Lilith, On Fashion

When Lilith got the chance to dress herself, she practically exploded with the options. Money wasn’t an object, but she didn’t have anything to go on for the modern day trends. At first she got fashion ideas from simply observing how others dressed, but she quickly found that to not always be comfortable or she wasn’t confident in what was super fashionable. Slowly she got to a point where she would have a set sense of style for herself, but it definitely wasn’t always what was in style in that era. That’s how you get a lot of our young Lilith failing to blend in even on an appearance level, she could always be just a tad off.

[oflilxths]

. || On Insecurity

   For as much confidence as she projects outward, Lilith is quite insecure and sometimes on levels she chooses not be conscious to. Even alone, Lilith will wrap herself in a blanket when wearing lingerie around the house and if anyone asks, she’ll insist it’s for the comfort aspect and partially, it is. But the other part is the fear of being  judged or overly judging herself. I don’t think she sees herself as an ugly person and more importantly she wouldn’t say she was unintelligent, but she does spend a considerable amount of time concerned that other people might and will go to great lengths to avoid it.

    Coming from a background where she was always seen as inferior in some way, shape, or form no matter how hard she tried to be considered worthy of loving attention and respect, it’s very rare that Lilith opens herself up physically, emotionally, or otherwise for anyone- even herself. She constantly distances herself from thinking deeper emotions on her own person because she’s 200% sure she’s not going to like what she finds. Lilith obviously has a great many faults and has done things she’s not proud of or hates that she doesn’t feel bad about and she has yet to reach a point where she’s ready to admit that to herself and move forward much less allow anyone else to point out those faults and pick her apart for it.

     On a purely physical level, she shies away from excessive exposure to avoid criticism on her appearance and I’ve mentioned before that she takes on different forms sometimes either because she’s not pleased with herself or she’s scared that someone else won’t be. While she’s Mary, she takes slightly more liberty in exposing her chest at least, mostly because they’re not hers, but still only does so when she feels the need to impress or lure someone closer (i.e. that poor pizza guy, Satan, etc.) and not because she feels comfortable enough with herself to do so- nine times out of ten she’s wearing something tight-fitting, but modest to create more of an imaginatively alluring look.

      Lilith will always feel most at ease wrapped in something or layered and of course we’ll probably never see this in the show because like, those writers need her to project that “sexy demon lady uwu” image, but ya girl loves blankets and pillows: that’s where she’s truly cozy.   

[oflilxths]

. || Young Lilith, With Women

All of young Lilith’s interactions with women can be summed up by any awkward gay meme you’d see today. She was quite literally a disaster lesbian and it showed plain as day. Not only that, but interacting with others without expecting them to want her to give anything in return is a new concept for her and... difficult to grasp. Many times, Lilith would find herself in the awkward position of whether or not to be genuine and forthcoming about her life, to what degree she should be honest because you can’t just tell everyone you’re an ancient demon, and what level of vulnerability that puts her at with someone she might be interested in.

That being said, all of those factors put together make for a not so suave showing of Lilith in person. She preferred writing letters when trying to woo someone, finding that she could be much more eloquent with the written word at first. Once she was more comfortable in another person’s presence and worked out the initial kinks of how she wanted to behave and go forth, Lilith would come out of her shell more, but it does have a lot to do with just who she’s talking to and how curious she is to let a person closer. If she was intrigued by someone, she might purposely put herself in their path more often, create instances where they’d have to see each other, or make up some reason to write to them.

Her conversations would go from the initial slight stuttering and quiet shyness to the typical subtle allure she normally possesses. Of course Lilith always acts in a bit of a peculiar way or says the occasional odd thing because she’s just Like That, but a person she’s willing to spend time with would probably get used to it.   

[oflilxths]

I feel like Lilith after becoming Queen would be even a little more wound-up and on edge than she is prior because yes, she has what she wanted and deserves, but with that comes a great deal of responsibility and discordance within the people under her new rule. And that’s... a lot.

Let’s consider: 1) Lilith presumably has no friends or allies; taking control over an entire realm with no one backing you up is a very difficult charge and 2) we have yet to see how the majority of people view her. Is she a recognized force of power and authority or has she just been seen as a sort of “Satan’s add-on” all this time? Given the toxic patriarchal culture that seems to be rampant with the Church of Night, I don’t think it’s too far of a stretch to say she’s going to have to fight hard to be respected as more than just a symbolic figurehead.

Consequently, your local Lilith is a tad bit stressed and can probably be seen setting fire to naysayers and plotting her full rise in the upcoming times. 

[oflilxths]

Lilith is not the best sharer. Is she a generous person? Maybe, it depends on who you are and what you want. But will she let you take food out of her cabinets and eat it without asking? No. She’ll either take it back savagely or personally ruin your food in retaliation. 

[oflilxths]

13!

crucial muse development questions. - @mxstress

  13. what does your character pretend or try to care about?

   I feel like there’s very little she tries to care about that she truly doesn’t. If there’s something she’s not worried about, it shows immediately on her face most times. If I had to pick I’d say that when she’s out you know, doing the usual Lilith things of manipulation and gaining information, she’s good at creating the aura of caring about someone that she really couldn’t give two shits about. Not so much that she’s a trustworthy person, but there’s a personality she can adopt where someone she’s targeting just wants to be around her.

  They might think she cares deeply about them, but it’s usually a front she has to put up to get whatever she has to get and then go. It can be a bit scary to watch her flip through emotions so quickly, but it’s so practiced by now that she doesn’t think twice about it anymore.

[oflilxths]

4!

crucial muse development questions. - @wttchy

4. what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character?

   The first woman who prayed to Lilith for help had a profound impact on her. She never really expected anyone to ask for for anything genuine, but someone thought highly enough of her to ask for her guidance and she of course helped them. That person is long dead now and she hears many more prayers a day which I imagine is just sort of a low buzz in the back of her brain unless she decides to tune into them, but she does keep that memory close to her heart.

   It didn’t affect her in a way where Lilith feels like she has to be a role model, but she does try to help where she can. If she has time and there’s a place where she can perhaps give a little guidance, she will because she knows how much it can help and impact a person. One of the things I would love to see in the next season is taking her new status and try to reform the church to be a tad bit more helpful and less uhm... disgustingly cruel?