0:00
“Hello! Welcome to Minjoon’s Kitchen.”
“Who’s fucking kitchen?”
Brandon’s voice off camera startled a laugh out of Minjoon, loud and squeaky; and that was it for the theme of the live.
“Welcome to uh... Welcome to Minjoon in a kitchen.”
“Welcome to not Minjoon’s Kitchen.” Brandon added, finally coming into view.
“Welcome not Minjoon to Minjoon’s Kitchen, not in Minjoon’s kitchen.”
“Featuring Minjoon.”
“Welcome to Brandon’s kitchen!”
“Welcome to Brandon is trying to get his car home because she’s parked in fucking central LA after we went for brunch and had so many mimosas that I legally wasn’t allowed to drive us home.”
“Hi MTV. Welcome to Brandon’s crib.”
“Look mom! I‘m on MTV and I didn’t have to be 16 and pregnant to do it!”
The pair started cackling again, uncontrollably hysterical in their inebriated states.
8:14
“You should make that a thing.”
”What?”
”Not Minjoon’s Kitchen. Once a month you just show up at a random fans house, streaming and giving them no time to prepare for you to cook whatever they have in their house.”
”Absolutely not. You know I like to be organised when cooking.”
”You’re literally squinting at lettuce in the fridge, I think you’re past that.”
”That’s lettuce?”
“Oh my god, Minjoon. You can’t cook like this.”
“I can’t see properly. I don’t know where my glasses are.”
“This is going to be the most disappointing episode of your show ever and it’s live. We can’t cook, it’s gonna be dangerous and messy.”
“In the words of the awesome Jake Peralta. Title of your sex tape.”
“Oh my god. No, mine would be called uhh.. Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.”
“Nope. I already claimed that for mine.”
“Joonie! I hate the accuracy.”
The laughing continued, even as the pair complained that they couldn’t breathe.
After they’d finally calmed down they took the camera with them to the couch, after the executive decision that the pair were definitely in no state to try to actually cook anything and a too large order of pizza.
“We have like half an hour to kill. What are we going to do now?”
“Remember when I asked for a Q&A way back in the past when I thought I’d be sober at four in the afternoon? We’ll do that and then I guess I’m writing a formal apology on my notes app to anyone who was hungry and eager to learn. Just like a real celebrity.” Minjoon fished around in his pockets for his phone, handing it to Brandon once it was unlocked so he could read it aloud.
“I just figured out the greeting. Welcome to the last ever episode of Minjoon’s Kitchen.”
“My biggest mistake this time was too much Minjoon and not enough kitchen. Some people come just to see my organised spice rack.”
“You’ve both upgraded and downgraded to Brandon’s Couch.”
“Love it. I’ve re-branded. Put it on a T-shirt. Every episode I’m just going to show you how to order different pizzas. We’re a podcast now.”
“You’re a dumbass. Alright! Let’s see what we got. Minjoon.. What is your favorite thing to cook?”
“Everyone I see with how hot I am.”
The laughter started up once more, even despite their previous attempts to calm down.
“I fucking told you! I knew you’d get that one.”
“You owe me $50 for saying it!”
“I’ll buy all the pizza you just ordered, how about that?”
“Catch me outside?”
“Stop! How have you made it this far in life as a meme?”
“I wasn’t always like this, it’s part of my rebrand. Brandon’s Couch: Meme edition.”
“I can’t believe we failed cooking and now we’re already failing the Q&A.”
“No! No, I got this. My favourite thing at the moment.. I love making risotto. Mostly because I get to eat it afterwards and I love eating risotto but yeah! That’s my favourite right now.”
“I don’t think that’s really answering.”
“It’s my answer. This is still not Minjoon’s Kitchen featuring Minjoon for this last episode. Shh. Next question!”
“This one asks if there is anything in particular that gets me inspired for designs? Yes! I love art so as soon as my bank account hits below a mil, I’m like.. Shit! Gotta doodle. No, I find inspiration everywhere. Sometimes it’s just a particular mood I’m in, sometimes I’ll see a net curtain blowing a particular way in a breeze and design an entire dress from how it falls. Sometimes I’ll see a colour that I’ll want to make an entire wardrobe out of. I’ve been painting a lot recently, not designs just.. things I like and I’ve been able to work from those. Gross, I know but yeah. Inspiration is everywhere. Disgusting. Unacceptable. I refuse to be inspired again that was too mushy.”
The boys were a giggly mess. Almost everything bringing them to hysterics even if it was just something said with the smallest hint of sarcasm, they were grabbing onto the couch and each other’s arms for support as they hiccuped their way through another bout of laughter.
“Anyway! Next question is top 5 celebrity chefs. Mine of course is Joonbug and that’s it. Wait, no that dude from that thing we saw in England. Gordon’s friend.”
“Oh! With the road trip?”
“Yeah, the really funny one.”
“I loved that. Mine is obviously Chef Ramsay, Remy.. Gotta give my boy a shout out. Chef Baek Jong-won. Oh! The um.. I discovered that dude during fashion week in London that time. The sciencey one. Hus.. Hes..? I don’t remember his actual name but he made some amazing things. I was in awe. I’m also throwing in whoever invented bulgogi. That’s my top five. I actually met Chef Ramsay recently!”
“You did! You called me after. How was it meeting your hero?”
“Oh, I cried. Like a big baby. Ugly sobbing and lots of I love yous in the middle of a cupcake shop.”
“Classic Minjoon behaviour.”
“He signed my T-shirt and I cried some more. I would have proposed through my tears but I was crying too much. Like the shaky inhale, full on breakdown kind of crying? I can’t even be embarrassed because he still talked to me.”
“You’re a baby!”
“I am a baby! 달콤한 아기. That’s what my eomma and momma call me and then they pinch my cheekies.”
“Cute! Ooh! How does it feel.. no, fuck. That’s not.. shut your face. I can read. How does performing feel on stage versus cooking on camera? How did it feel being on stage?”
“I refuse to acknowledge what that means. Stage? What stage?”
“They’re talking about your big, gay musical re-enactment of your love for me.”
“I wish I could use memes like in real life? Just the I do not see meme but my face. Honestly though? It’s different because I can cook. This mess obviously doesn’t count but I can edit everything I post and I know what I’m doing? I’m confident when I’m cooking. I know what I can and can’t do. Being on stage was just.. I was terrified. It was terrifying. I had fun though and I did work hard. Like.. I decided last minute and I had to learn choreo and remember lyrics to things I wrote years ago. I was scared I’d trip up and face plant the whole time. Like the entire time. I wanted to be included though and I couldn’t go to the festival because it was terrifying being around so many people. I just kind of listened from the side lines but it sounded good and you said you had lots of fun being up there.”
“I did. You know me though. I’m that one line from that Mike Posner song about needing everyone’s eyes just to feel seen.”
“Woah. Hashtag deep.”
“Oh my god. You’re ridiculous.”
“I did need the entire weekend to recover though. It’s.. it’s a lot to open yourself up like that.”
“You mean serenading the town with love songs about me?”
“You suck so bad.”
“Is that how you talk to the former love of your life?”
Minjoon snorted, slapping at Brandon’s arm.
“You were so in love with me. It’s my greatest achievement, you know? I put it on my resume under my skills. Has given Minjoon boners.”
The reaction was instant, Brandon’s loud laugh failing to cover Joonie’s shriek that soon turned into a laugh but even his amusement couldn’t mask how red he’d gotten.
“No! I hate it here! You suck so bad! So bad! I can never show my face in public or make eye contact with another human being ever again!”
“It’s a good job I put the age restriction thingy on this stream. I knew I’d be a fucking menace after the second drink.”
“You’re not a menace! You’re a gremlin! God, end the stream before you really do end my YouTube career. Goodbye everyone! I’m gonna go eat my body weight in pizza and become a cave hermit.”
“Bye little Joonie fans! Sorry about the.. Fuck it, I’m not sorry about anything. Peace out, bitches!”