#( characters. control )

[nightsofterror]

always think about Ivan & Mal + Mal (Mallory) & Ara

how both Ivan and Mallory had wives before. And how the reason they’re so adamant in being with Malacai and Ara is because they’ll have to accept the fact that they fell in love with someone new

which shouldn’t be a big deal but they’ve been holding on to the memory of their dead spouse for so long, they made themselves believe they wouldn’t/couldn’t love anyone new. ever.

and yeah both Ivan and Mallory sleep around with other people but it’s not the same. They aren’t close with those people. There’s no stronger connections there but then for Ivan, Malacai comes into his life and for Mallory is Ara.

So now they have to accept the reality that yes they love someone new and then they’re filled with this need to protect them. Specially after the tragic death of their spouses. it’s a constant thing in their mind to the point of pushing their new partners away. afraid that they’d get hurt if they stay together

which becomes a whole thing because they’re all soldiers, is bound to get ugly and to be hurt in the job, but Mallory and Ivan both want to kept their person safe from any harm. Which they can’t do.

also the fact that their bond companion was their late spouses messes up with them. Both Mallory and Ivan are of the believed that you only have one companion. Fated for life and if they die then there’s no one else that you can love as intense as you did in that moment

and then there’s Malacai and Ara who are the person they love the most and they aren’t even their bond companion. Just a connection so strong that transcend the laws of this world for them

imagine their shock when learning they do have a new bond companion but is not the person they’re in love with. Is a shock but understanding, this bond companion would never compare or come close to Malacai and Ara.

It’s why they’re so torn apart and destroyed at having their person die because they finally come to terms with the fact that they can love again, just as intense or even more so than before and just when they think they can keep Malacai and Ara safe, it’s taken from them. it’s why they blame themselves so much

also there’s the guilt of having loved someone so long and to suddenly feel so strongly about these new people. it just shifts their reality of yk, what they believed and felt for many centuries. not that they never loved their spouse because they did. it was their life for so long but these new people just showed them they can love again

[nightsofterror]

trigger warnings. mention of abortion, sexual assault (implied), parents not caring for their kids (?) [not detailed but mentioned]

I think often enough that at first the reality is Ara has no emotion towards her daughter. She doesn't love her, but doesn't hate her either. The feelings to care for and be a parent grow gradually, but is not that "I'm so happy to be a mom!" Feeling from the get go... Though she eventually gets there

Like she was [REDACTED] and when she tried to get an abortion she was unable because the risk of her dying was too high. So she at lasts opts by having the kid. it doesn't mean she has to love them. And is very complicated situation because she's aware is not the child's fault that they were conceived. But she can't help to despise them at first because is a reminder of what happen. A living memory and proof of it

the kid still very much part of that person after all

is not until Mal is more open with her affections, referring to the baby as theirs as well that Ara just... Starts growing fond of said baby. everyone believes the baby is her husband's (except for said husband who is the only other person besides her doctor that knows the truth) and though, at this time she's broken up with Lev but only got back together as a means for him to help her be safe with her kid away from the garden. and Lev is caring and loving and helps her raise her daughter.

but there's just the easy way that comes with Mal caring and loving her daughter that feels easier to breathe. the way Mal stands next to Ara while holding the baby and whispers 'my girls' in regards of both of them that Ara is just... in love stupidly in love and makes it easier to accept her own kid. the way Mal holds them and reminds her, yes this child might be my [REDAXTED'S] but is mine just as much. even more.

and anyways, is just the easy way that Mal loves them both that makes it easy for her. that doesn't hurt when Ara looks at her baby and let's herself think, she is as much Ara's as she is Mal's daughter.

and yeah, theres Lev but he carries himself with a certain guilt to his every moment that makes Ara wary and is only after Taeyang's death that she learns about it.

there is also the fact that when Mal ends up being Taeyang back, though is not made fully like with most of the dead, so Mal has no control over her, she still has lingering side effects of what was that really brought her back (the hair and eyebrow changing color) that could pass as enough to make it believable that Mal could be her other parent.

[nightsofterror]

trigger warnings. sexual assault (implied to Ara), cannibalism (implied to Bailey's daughter)

I think about the first time that Dae-Hyun hurts Ara and is all due to a chain of events that started when she wanted to see what happened to the kids taken to the garden. This moment being the first time she's ever come across the reality of what goes on in the garden. But she gets caught, and Bailey has two very options. One, kill her - eliminate her as a possible threat, but as he later states. The moment Ara disappears, Kozlova will know something happened because they have grown attached to the young soldier. Two - erase her memory at the very least of the last week to make sure she won't remember anything and won't go snooping around again.

The second option is the one he goes with, more plausible and won't raise any suspicions. Is then that Dae-Hyun (who's been around in the same room, sticking to Bailey as gum on shoe) tells Bailey, he should allow Dae-Hyun to [REDACTED] Ara because Bailey will erase her memory anyways. What better time than then, right? He plays it off as a punishment. And much to Ara's disgrace, Bailey ends up agreeing.

She's confused and scared and begging him not to let it happen. He will erase her memory anyways, why put her through this torture anyways. It doesn't make sense!! Tears steaming down her face, and voice sore as she begs and begs. Only for him to turn to her and say "I will erase your memory but your body will remember fear. The moment you see him, the moment you walk into this room, your mind won't remember but your body will. That's punishment enough."

And then he'd turn around, and tell Dae-Hyun to 'Go ahead and be quick.'

Mind you this is before she's gotten the serum, she is still human. They; immortals - still don't know she's part of them. But she fights, she fights back as much as she can't before she's slammed against the desk, hands strapped to it and then Dae-Hyun [REDACTED] her. She breaks her left wrist trying to break free. And in her despair, struggle and screams the entire building begins to shake.

That's the only moment Bailey turns to look at her with a curious eye as Dae-Hyun stops for a minute, asking Bailey "Not one of us you say?" Before resuming what he's doing while Bailey gives his back to them. Mind you, this is happening in Bailey's office.

Everyone in the garden knows Bailey has a soft spot for Ara, he says so himself. He sees her as a daughter, but everyone (that knows what he let his daughter go through) is not comforted for that. So this scene is similar to the one where his daughter died, him turning his back on her while she was being [REDACTED] by some people, so he could have a chance to live. All along while she called for him.

This scene is Ara begging him to make it stop, while yelling for help and eventually breaking and calling for Mal (who is her comfort person.) Is something of similarities in her cries and how she begs for Mal to help her (though Mal is nowhere near to know what's happening) that makes him stop Dae-Hyun eventually. Which surprises the latter because Bailey didn't even save his own daughter, why is he saving this girl now?

He instructs Ara to forget and forces her to sleep. Once she wakes up, the last week of her life is completely erased from her mind and replaced with a fake one of her getting injured on a mission and ending up on the med bay.

He does take her there and instructs Maessen to heal her, not tell Ara what happened to her once she wakes up and to not put on record the wounds/signs of [REDACTED] she finds on her and the young doctor; afraid. Can't do anything but to follow his orders. Especially the ones where he specifically states that Kozlova must not find out about it. Because Mal would burn the entirety of Eden if she knew what happened.

Bailey ridden with whatever guilt he managed to find, he exiles Dae-Hyun who goes to live within The Hive.

And Ara around five years later has the memory of this event triggered, and remembers why she was punished to begin with and then decides to start her personal mission if finding out wtf is happening with the kids so she can stop it somehow.

This is so much worse when decades down the line, Lev gives up Ara's info to Dae-Hyun and he kidnaps her… and all the torture and [REDACTED] that result in her having Taeyang later on like… she can't escape him. He is Ara's fucking nightmare personified.

[nightsofterror]

trigger warning. Mention of abuse, mention of child abuse

mentioned last night about how when Ara meets Mal for the first time is not because she's lost as much as she was left alone by her brother that was hoping for Ara to get 💀 out there on her own. And makes me think he began despising her a few years after she was born but always felt bad about it because she was just a little baby. But the hatred is there and keeps growing and growing,but he stills feels bad about hating her as much as he does

He's five years older than her and while their parents have always been terrible people and he had been mistreated by them before Ara was born, the abuse got worst only after she came to be. Not like is her fault. She didn't ask to be born, but for the parents that already have to hide one kid, have a second one just made me them angrier and made them take their anger out in the way of abuse.

and the brother decides from an early age to try and take the worst of it, because their parents hurting Ara just made it so that she'd cry for longer and could possibly expose them ( of fucking course since she's a baby! ) And while at first he genuinely cared for Ara at some point it shifted and he started to get angry due the abuse they endured. And instead of just being angry at their parents, he was angry with her too. Cycle of abuse and all that

which makes it worse that Ara completely adores her brother and follows him around and is the only person she trusts. and he can't have a moments peace because she's always there. so the first time he's really angry for longer than usual, he takes her to somewhere around the city near their house and leaves her there and when Ara gets distracted he makes his move to run. Ara is 8 and he's 14 at the time.

he almost makes his run for it and is ready to try his escape for the first time when he hears some voices and then ara's voice replying to them and when he turns he comes face to face with the soldiers trying to get his sister to go with them. And while yes he was ready to leave her alone there hoping she'd forget the way home and never come back, he feels scared at the thought of the soldiers and Mal taking Ara into he garden and 💀 her. So he calls for her plays it off as her having gotten lost and not him purposely leaving her behind

when he finally runs away he leaves her behind because he can finally be rid of his family but all the 50 years that come after make him feel bad and always wondering how Ara is doing and then he hires a p.i to find her ( Lev ) and then his worry turns to more hatred when he learns about the life she's living and how she seems to be doing so well. How she's been given a second chance while he has to hide in the shadows and works for the rebels in hope to live another day.

then when he finds out she's dead, he feels sad. some part of him does but is like okay done and let's move on because it's been decades since they've seen each other. Mind you all this time Ara was still trying to look for him because she never really believed that he'd died. But welp. When she gets cloned, it is so much easier for her brother to treat her like shit and press a knife to her throat because his excuse is that the clone is not his real sister since his actual sister killed herself. And then Ara is just not fighting him back, crying and Lowkey being like welp if another person I thought loved me, actually hates me? What is there else for me in this world and just stand there waiting for her brother to take the finally blow but then something something a la altered carbon, her brother is looking at her but all he sees is the little sticky kid that followed him around and trusted him and he can't bring himself to kill her... Yet

They spend time together, bond and he even helps her hide from Lev and Mal and her own daughter but only because he plans to hand her over to Bailey since there's a bounty for her. Betrayed again by someone she loved and cared for thinking that he cared but only cared about himself and things that benefited him

[nightsofterror]

trigger warnings. mention of child abuse, mention of death

thinking a lot of how when mal and Ara first met Ara was 9 years old and was supposed to be hiding with her brother away from home because the soldiers were going there to make the inspection and make sure there weren't people around that weren't supposed to be there. Aka kids born without the family being given a permit for it

and since Ara and her brother are that, a secret. They are hiding in the streets away from home and Ara wanders a little further away and gets lost and separated from her older brother and is scared wandering around when she finds the soldiers and their general. Aka mal and the people she was in charge of at that time

and this was not a significant moment because neither of them remember about it till Ara is 33 and has been working fourteen years for the garden. at least not for Ara who suffered so much after the encounter that this memory just disappears from her mind whereas for mal is like she's been alive for so long she just don't categorize this something of importance

but it goes like this. mal trying to convince Ara to trust her, because according to the rules they have to take the child back to the garden so they can be put away aka unalive them but mal instead of allowing the soldiers to take the child and go to bailey, she goes thru hoops to earn her trust. and Ara never mentions her name because something something not telling your name to strangers which is silly when you realize she was willing to go with them because they seemed like nice people

mal just crouching down in front of her, offering their hand to Ara and being like 'kid you can trust me' and Ara instead of being scared is far more curious why mal has half of their face covered (wearing an eye patch lol) and Ara ends up agreeing to go and the soldiers are mocking the child for trusting them and Ara says 'you can't be worse than my mom's because we'll till that very moment her parents are literally the devil to her due all the abuse they put Ara and her brother thru

but before Ara can go with them, she hears her brother calling for her and she pries herself away from mal's hand and goes running towards him and when the soldiers try to go after her, mal stops them and tells them that the kid will die before the day is over. Assumption they come to due what Ara had just said. And mal despite Lowkey thinking so themselves, they go back to the same place a few times for a few months because even tho they don't say it, they worried about the kid. But then Ara never goes back there of course because her parents have them house bound and she can't escape so of course mal eventually stops

(tho this gives me an idea for an au in which Ara did end up going to the garden with mal then but instead of being killed she gets the treatment her daughter gets in canon)

when they remember is well into the years working together and the one that does so first is Ara. And they are having an argument in which would be the fate of some people because they were not legally existent and mal implies they need to be killed and they come to a stand still of Ara kneeling down with mal offering a hand to help her up, calls her by the same stupid nickname she despises and the one she was called all those years ago and it unlocks the memory and then Ara lashes out to mal because she realizes all those years ago mal was not the friend they pretended to be but was gonna be her executioner instead

[nightsofterror]

I often think about how whenever Ara says something along the lines "come back to me" or "don't be home for too long, I don't like missing you" to mal everytime they leave for a mission. Mal refuses to look at her and sometimes takes longer period of times to get back because the words are too close to what her wife used to say and the last words ever said to her before she was killed. And mal in her deteriorating mental health and moments, fears of turning around and seeing Ozge there instead of Ara.

[nightsofterror]

trigger warnings. sexual assault mentioned (implied), mention of suicide/torture/kidnapping (non descriptive)

i think about the funny little group that is luka (lev), elodie, dae-hyun and ara like. thats my way of saying fucked up. like there is not a point when they are all in the same place but how they all are intertwine because of the circumstances of life or better said. lev fucking ara over because of his jealous self

in one hand there is dae hyun and ara that already knew each other because he is an immortal that was around taunting her for months before he [REDACTED] her and then bailey found them, kicked dae hyun out and wiped ara's memories from that moment to avoid her being unable to trust him

then dae hyun and elodie that meet once he is forced to deal within the cities and they have this weird fucked up relationship for a while before they become officially a couple and she helps him in all the atrocities he commits. eldoie and luka that are siblings. luka and dae hyun that are brothers in laws and then luka give him ara's whereabouts because he wants are to suffer for cheating on him with mal

and then we come full circle to ara and dae hyun meeting again after the last even that was almost 40 years prior... and he does the same and far worse than that as well. for months after he's kidnapped her. and elodie has always known what he does but it irks her when it comes to ara. not even because she cares about what is happening. but because she knows he is biased and instead of killing ara as he had planned, he keeps her alive because of his weird obsession with her and el is jealous instead of being disgusted of him

here comes to where dae hyun and ara have taeyang and el and him have a son which is taeyang's half brother that only she eventually finds out but no one believes at first.

is fucked up and the worst out of everyone is dae hyun ofc because of what he does. but luka comes pretty close taking the first place because is due to him telling his brother in law about where ara is located, that dae hyun finds her and everything else happens. and he simply did it because he was angry. granted. ara should have not cheated on him, much less on their wedding night. but that doesn't mean that luka had to basically hand her over to dae hyun like that

and when she finds out that is technically luka's fault thats when she makes the decision to kill herself in front of him as punishment. she wasnt in her right mindset anyways because she had seen her daughter get killed by then. but also to learn that it was due to your husband giving your info out, that you got kidnapped, tortured and raped? yeah. that sealed it for her to make that decision

[nightsofterror]

anyways i know i write mal to be like the worst person eve but when i write her from aras pov she seems so nice bc ara is fucking in love... i was writing her from xfs pov and man was she not only scare but fucking annoying. like literally the worst lol. but of it makes sense cause the only exception for this is ara not anyone else. and their kids but she sometimes fucks with them just for funsies