cursed wedding playtesting - it all started so well: Judith met Jared who was withering away in my households and they were engaged immediately thanks to cas.fulleditmode. She also got a daughter - Summer Holiday and everyone went to the venue as soon as they got out of CAS (with new wedding outfits, mind you!). Well turns out they weren't able to walk the aisle and had their vows in front of the door instead, followed by a bugged out wedding dance. At that point, Summer Holiday was fed up in the corner eating chili con carne.
Jokes aside I am doing a thing again, honestly drawing Mad father Fanart again feels so refreshing! I have no clue when I will be able to fully show what I planned, but I really hope I fully go through with it. Imagine reviving the Mad Father Fandom that‘d be wild -
[Back in *checks notes* May, Writing Prompts posted:
“What do you mean why did I do this? I did it because I love you,” your girlfriend said confusedly, as if she wasn’t clutching the severed head of another human in her hand.”
My first thought was that this was a girl who belonged in the Varia. So I ran with it. The prompt only shows up indirectly. Humor, No Pairings, T]
So Your (Ex) Girlfriend is an Ax Murderer
(Dating is hard enough as it is. It's even worse as a member of an elite, slightly eccentric, assassination squad. Good thing there's a built in, supportive (?) Family to help pick up the pieces.)
It was the sound of crying that drew Lussuria into the common room. Contrary to popular belief, crying wasn't an unusual occurrence at Varia HQ. Oh, sometimes it was a grunt who managed to upset Boss-darling and lived to tell the tale. Most of the time it was from new recruits who were suddenly rethinking their life choices. Those tears, though, they were largely reserved for the training grounds. No, if it was coming from the common room, it could only be one person.
Lussuria peeked in, and sure enough, there she was sprawled face down on the sofa. Boy troubles. He would bet his boa on it.
Poor thing. Lussuria felt instinctively protective of his protegé. On paper, she was a total catch. Deianira was a key member of his Sun Squad medical team for her impeccable ability to not further maim their patients - even when they deserve it! Such a delightful bedside manner~ Not to mention, she could wield a battle ax with the same meticulous precision as her scalpel. So well-rounded! And she was cute as a button to boot, if he could say so himself. Lussuria just couldn't understand why Dee’s relationships didn't work out.
No, that was a lie. He absolutely knew why. It didn't mean he didn't think it was completely fair, though. People could be so judgemental! Everyone has their own silly, little quirks, right?
The thing with Dee was that she had so much love and passion to give but had an unfortunate habit of placing her affections with the wrong people. Her love language was also something, well, not necessarily an acquired taste but more…niche as it were. And that’s where she really got into trouble.
Lussuria often thought of Deianira as something like a cat leaving behind dead birds as gifts to their beloved human. Unfortunately, the objects of her ardor typically reacted to such gifts just as badly if not worse. It never did bode well for her love life.
It was all very sad of course. Buuuuuut. The stories she told were better than television. All maternal feelings aside, Lussuria was dying to know what happened this time.
“Dee?” A pause in the sniffling let him know that she heard. The hand that was blindly flapped in his direction let him know he was needed. Lussuria didn't need to be asked twice as he hurried over and perched on the arm of the sofa. “I am here, sweetpea. You just tell Mamma Luss everything.”
To the casual observer the tale of woe was largely unintelligible. Lussuria, on the other hand, nodded along, masterfully interpreting the pillow-muffled sounds, squeaks, and wet snuffles.
“Mmhmm mmhmm, I do remember you were seeing someone new. I seem to recall you telling me you were ready to take things to the next level~
Uh huh. What? Oh, tissue! Sorry, hun, here you go. Take your time.
Well certainly it's natural to want to do nice things for the ones we love! And what…um…what nice thing did you decide to do? Yes,yes as one does, of course.
Such a clean cut! Oh ho! You never fail to impress~ You're welcome. Now who was the gentleman? He was, hmmm? Say, run that name past me one more time, would you? Got it. Thanks, love. Then what happened?
OH. HE. DID. NOT.”
“And then he ran awaaaaaaaayy,” Dee wailed. That her ex did so while screaming was simply understood and didn't need to be said.
“There there, love.” Lussuria passed over another tissue that was gratefully accepted. As Deianira wiped her eyes, Luss tapped his index finger against his cheek, working out a thought. “Remind me, how long had the two of you been seeing each other?”
There was a pause as Deianira blew her nose. “It was our third date,” she mumbled into her tissue.
The tapping stopped. “Dee, sweetie. I hate to point it out while you're hurting, but gifting the literal head of your lover's enemy is something you might want to save for when your relationship is a tiiiiiny bit more established.”
Deianira slowly swung her legs around as she listened and pushed herself into a seated position. She lifted her face to Lussuria. It was puffy and streaked with runny mascara. Aw, cupcake. Girl was a mess but nothing a mother couldn't love. Lussuria tenderly squooshed those cheeks between his well-manicured hands.
“...Emmemee?” Deianira asked through a fishy pout. She blinked heavily, as if emerging from her fog of despair and pulled back out of Lussuria's hands. “Maybe not an enemy per se…” She stopped and shook her head and heaved a sigh. “ No, I know. You're right. God, I'm such an idiot! I just...You know, I really thought we had something.” Dee gestured vaguely, trying to capture the intangible before giving up and resting her cheek on Lussuria's thigh. “I thought he'd understand and see the depth of my love.”
A derisive snort from the corner of the room sent Lussuria's head whipping around.“Not one word out of you!” he scolded the culprit in hushed tones. “I mean it!”
Squalo, however, didn't look nearly as chastened as Lussuria would have liked. He didn't look chastened at all. “Please,” scoffed Captain Sensitivity. Oh, his entire manner was so annoyingly unrepentant. “This is hardly news. She goes through a breakup like every oth-”
Lussuria's scandalized gasp cut him off. “Honestly! Where is your heart?”
“Heh. Funny story about that...HEEEY!” Squalo was forced to duck as Lussuria chucked a decorative pillow at his head.
“That's not what I meant, and you know it.”
Squalo sneered in silent response before shifting focus back to his laptop. That was the goal at any rate, which considering the other occupants of the room was easier said than done. Yes, the situation was annoying. Yes, he could leave, but he was here first, dammit. It was the principle of the thing.
He sighed heavily through his nose when he heard Luss try to subtly clear his throat at him but otherwise Squalo refused to engage.
Then came the stage whispers.
“Squ-chan….
Squ?…
Squ…Squ…Squ…
Squaaaaaloooo!”
“WHAT?!”
He watched Luss out of the corner of his eye making frantic shushing signs and pointing to the lacrimose lump on the sofa. As if he could possibly disturb let alone offend her. Squalo leveled an “are you kidding me” look at his colleague. Deianira wouldn't notice if a herd of rhinoceros suddenly barrelled into the common room and started yodeling. She was barely into Stage Two of the recovery process, meaning she was now sitting upright, staring into the middle distance, and clutching her ax to her chest like it was the world's deadliest comfort toy. Virtually nothing existed outside of her bubble right now.
Lussuria pursed his lips at him and adjusted his sunglasses before signing <I need you to look something up.>
<Look what up?> Squalo knew, of course, but he wasn't going to make it easy.
Lussuria knew he knew too and gave an impatient huff. He pointed at Deianira, mimed having his chopped off, and signed the poor bastard's name.
<Fuck off I'm busy.> Another pillow came sailing over with great force. This time it connected. The resulting “VOOII!” was positively balm for Lussuria’s exasperated soul. That's right, Squ. Boss wasn't the only one with a pair of guns. Luss daintily flicked a lock of hair back in place and raised an eyebrow.
<Look up the name, dear. If you please.>
<FINE!> Squalo grumbled to himself about it, but he did do as asked. A moment later, he signed back an affirmative. The headless one was indeed in their system. Apparently, someone else had wanted him dead.
Lussuria delightedly clapped the tips of his fingers together. Goody. That should make cleanup a bit easier this time around. He turned his attention back to Deianira and began dabbing at her face with a tissue.
“Dee? Dee~ee,” Lussuria sang, trying to pull her attention back to the present. “Now why don't you come with me? I've got a beautiful cake cooling in the kitchen that is begging for some decadent chocolate frosting. That might be just the thing to make today a bit brighter!”
Deianira’s eyelids fluttered and she gave a small smile. Feeling encouraged, Lussuria pressed on.
“Aaand~ We'll chat about whether we can't just bill this ungrateful ex for your beautiful handiwork.” This time Dee giggled.
If one didn't know any better, that giggle could easily be classified as “cute”. Squalo did know better and grimaced at the sound. He turned his attention back to the sofa.
Lussuria was cooing over Deianira’s change in mood. Deianira was. Well. Deianira’s eyes had gone unnaturally wide with interest, her pupils fully dilated. The corner of her smile twitched slightly as she took in Lussuria’s suggestion.
Levi dubbed this particular look of hers “creepy”. While Squalo wouldn't admit out loud to siding with Levi about anything, he was inclined to agree. When Deianira got like this, Squalo half expected her to climb into a window and start making clicking noises at the birds outside.
“I…might have some additional ideas of my own to make sure he pays,” Dee coyly offered up after her moment of contemplation.
“Clever girl. I knew that you would, and I can't wait to hear them!”
“Oh Luss, you're the best! This will be such fun!”
“I know!”
Squalo shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as the two of them clasped hands and squealed. Stage Two was evidently complete.
The promise of baked goods never failed to summon Belphegor. This instance was no exception. Bel had made his entrance while Lussuria was still coaxing Dee. Not wanting to look too eager, he flopped into an armchair and began to scroll through his phone with practiced indifference. No one in the common room was fooled, with the exception of Dee who hadn't noticed anything. Belphegor bided his time until the two suns left before he got up to pester Squalo for details.
“So what was it this time?” Bel asked as he leaned against Squalo's chair and tried to read over his shoulder. "Burned out car?"
“Severed head.” A scowl formed on Squalo's face in response to the intrusion. Without looking up, he used his right hand to change the angle of his laptop and his left to push back the brat's face. "NOW QUIT HOVERING!"
Bel was completely unperturbed as he danced out of range of the metal hand. He let out a low whistle and started making his way to the door. “Must have had it bad for this one.”
Squalo rolled his eyes. “I guess.” He turned around when he heard Bel's footsteps. “Hey, where are you going, brat?”
"Oh, now you want me to stay? Too late, peasant. You're no fun and the Prince wants cake and gossip.”
“I don't want you to stay,” Squalo scoffed. “I want you to do something.”
“I don't have to.” Belphegor gave an imperious toss of his head. “I'm a prince, not an errand boy,” he declared, but he caught the file thrown at him all the same.
“You're going to the kitchen anyway. Take that file and give it to Miss Man Destroyer.”
Belphegor smirked, his curiosity piqued. “Shi shi shi, that's cold even for you, Fish Face. You're gonna send her out with a broken heart?” Bel made a show of clutching at pearls. Squalo huffed in annoyance.
“We've got shit to do, you know! How about you try taking an interest in that?”
Belphagor dismissively waved off Squalo's critique and flipped through the file. “Be kinda funny if the peasant who put in the request was single, though.” He glanced over to see Squalo looking entirely too casual about opening his email. Bel's grin widened viciously. “Wait. Is he?”
Squalo mumbled something, refusing to look at him.
“He is!” Belphagor crowed. “How do you know?”
Squalo ground his teeth a minute before exploding, “FINE! I looked it up, alright!?”
Belphagor was nearly doubled over with his cackling. “Shi Shi shi, aww, I didn't know you were a matchmaker, Captain~” he wheezed.
Squalo launched one of the pillows Luss threw at him earlier straight at Belphagor’s head. Pillows being soft, however, it was not nearly as satisfying as he hoped it would be. It didn't even pause Bel's laughter.
“VOI I'M NOT!!” Squalo crossed his arms and irritably drummed his fingers. “But if she's going to keep doing this, we might as well point her in the right direction and get some damn work done around here.”
*Deianira is the name of one of Hercules's wives who accidentally killed him with a shirt. It was supposed to keep him faithful to her but was poisoned instead. Whoops. Her name can be translated as Man-Destroyer.
