oh, thunder in my heart, these razors cutting sharp
and leaves me with an ever bleeding scar.
@ppllvns / eunchan & hyunsu / building roof, 9:53 pm.
there’s something about roofs that eunchan likes. he thinks it’s that sudden drop. clifftop-steep without bars or barriers to keep anyone locked away from that promise of danger. he likes the feeling of that. danger, or something like it. the way adrenaline will rush underneath his skin and kick start his heart. the way it makes him feel a little less numb, flirting with the concept of death. he likes to say he’ll never die. he’ll laugh it out like he believes it. eunchan does that with a lot of things. a firecracker-bright smile, laughter that spills like a flood from his chest. a wild nature, a wilder heart.
it’s easy to make people believe happiness, eunchan figured that one out a while ago. at least, it had been for him. he wasn’t supposed to be sad when eunwoo was. or when eunwoo wanted him to be happy. eunchan’s a burden of the boy, and revealing those lonely, wretched, aching pieces of himself would only make that burden heavier to bear. so he’s happy, a feather light soul, walking on air, laughing in the face of danger. he doesn’t tell anyone it’s because it makes him feel alive. makes him feel terrified. makes him feel like like attempting to fly (sometimes, only sometimes).
hyunsu’s different. maybe that’s why eunchan likes him so much. hyunsu doesn’t bother with pretending. hyunsu doesn’t care if anyone notices that he’s angry. raw. upset. hyunsu throws fists at walls and spits out curses. disappears for days at a time to hide behind his rage. hyunsu’s real. that’s what eunchan thinks. realer than he is. he thinks hyunsu might hate him, too, if he knew who eunchan was at the heart of it all. but eunchan doesn’t like to think about that, so he doesn’t. not right now, anyway. just wears his smile. a bottle of soju in one hand, cigarette in the other. has them both held aloft as he wanders up and down the lengthy edge of the roof like it might be a balance beam.
“i should join the olympics. team. olympic team? the balancing ones.” eunchan declares as he lets himself pivot on a heel. wobbles just a little bit, catches himself by jamming his second foot down to steady himself. laughs despite it and pauses only to take in another mouthful of booze. grape, it only tastes like candy when he’s drunk. otherwise it tastes like shit. “i’m so good at this. honestly. come too.” he starts back again, makes a face at hyunsu as he crosses past where the other’s sitting.
“bet i could do it with my eyes closed.” eunchan promises, blinks them shut immediately after. it feels like the world’s starting to spin. he inhales in deep, until it feels like his chest is splitting in half.