I can’t seem to stop crying. I think it was remembering how my mum once said ‘don’t bore [uncle]’ and semi ironically I was asking him questions about his job and how so much of the family narrative about me was ‘nice but boring/shy/bad friend/bad at socialising/oh she’s autistic that explains it’ eventually and how I felt like I was just failing a test I had no ability to study for because their words and body language said one thing but what they wanted was another.
(Also again ironically I had friends! I did things with them! I did activities! I didn’t do the drunken parties because not my vibe and also for a long time I was pretty sure no one could like me/I was too toxic to be around people/they obviously got manipulated by me into hanging out with me/I am annoying them/I didn’t deserve friends so…I didn’t do things because I didn’t think they wanted to)
Or I just realised why the probably autistic but so tangled in the CPTSD is so AAAGH when applied to me and only applied to me.