Confronting the shadow self is daunting. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong with me… on one hand I have grown exponentially—and changed for the better! However, in other areas I have gotten worse. Mainly my deep seated anger (that surfaces at inappropriate times), and also my inability to regulate my stress responses.
What ends up happening is that I bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. As a people pleaser, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle, and it takes a toll on my nervous system.
Trying to sit with these feelings. When I am sick for example (which doesn’t happen very often), I get REALLY sick… and then I snap at people, become very short with them and have a bite to my words. This is because I am in a lot of physical pain, but I should just call in sick and prioritize my self care instead of subjecting others to my bad moods. I always say “YES I can do that”, “sure, no problem!” When really I should put my foot down and say: “I’m not feeling well, I need to stay home and rest today”.
By forcing myself to work, I am not only making myself miserable, but also making everyone around me miserable.
Sometimes I come home from working with children… and just cry because I know I failed them that day. I FAILED as a caregiver. This happened a few weeks ago. I was getting stressed out because it was getting late, and the little guy needed to get up early for his first day of school the next day. I was getting snippy with him, and he told me: “Megan, when you get mad at me, it makes me want to cry.” I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I broke down and started crying. Telling him that he was right, and how sorry I was. I explained to him that I was just exhausted from working too much, and that it wasn’t his fault, and he absolutely did not deserve it.
I cried because I don’t do it on purpose, but at times I feel powerless to stop it.
My mother always used to yell and my siblings and I… because she was so overwhelmed with her life… it did a lot of damage to all of us. Don’t get me wrong—I love my mother deeply. She made my childhood magical in many ways, and I have a lot of respect for her. She had a hard time of it when we were growing up (as sole bread winner or single parent a lot of the time) and she did the best she could with what she had. I suppose that’s true of all parents.
Some days you feel good, you know you made a positive impact on a child’s life, and some days you know you (unconsciously) did damage. We are only human after all. My mom feels terrible about how she yelled at us. It must be genetic, because my grandmother admitted to doing it too when she was younger.
It has made me reevaluate whether or not I want to be a mother one day. I am good with kids actually, they love me almost immediately and I get along great with them because it’s so easy for me to become a child again and play with them on their level.
Growing up poor does something to your psyche. You end up with this “scarcity” mindset that I just hate. I realized that I eat so quickly (which is horrible for your metabolism btw) because I was 1 of 4 children—if you didn’t eat quick during dinner, you didn’t eat. Always feeling like there is not “enough” to go around, always starving for more love or attention (because you had to compete all the time to get it).
Seeing all these things so clearly now. The antecedent moment is known to me, but the way forward is not. I have been “catching myself” in the act of bad habits and trying to reshape my behavior. I’m grateful to my mom for teaching this to me too. She was always the first to apologize to us when she was wrong. She was humble and took accountability, which showed us that grown ups make mistakes too.
I remember confiding in my grandmother about how much “mommy yells”. My grandma told my mom what I’d said, and my mom really took it to heart. She would take deep breaths and count to ten before unloading on us. I remember actively watching her try to change, and she did eventually.
I hope that I can manage to do the same, and that the damage I have done to people I love is not too great to be healed.
Trauma is not an excuse. You don’t get an excuse to treat people poorly. Though I know… I have a good heart. I would never hurt ANYONE on purpose. I know myself at my core, and the core of my heart is very loving and compassionate. So now is the time for me yo be more compassionate with myself. By understanding where these wounds come from, I can catch myself and pivot my response. I can also apologize and say: “I’m sorry, I am working on managing my stress better, please let me try that again.”
A month ago, my boyfriend, my cousin, her girlfriend and I all went up to Mendocino. Yury (my boyfriend) manages 62 acres up there for the scouts organization he volunteers for. Usually we camp or stay in the cabins, ride around on the ATV’s, toast marshmallows, swim in the creek etc. It was a fun weekend, until the accident.
My little cousin, is my cousin through marriage. When I was a freshmen in high school, she was just a baby at 2. We went together like peas and carrots. I saw so much of myself as a little girl in her, and I felt very protective of her. Her parents were both tweakers, so they were mostly absent. My grandma, my grandpa and I all had a hand in raising her. She grew up to be a good kid, but I was concerned to hear from her girlfriend that she was very reckless at times and made dangerous impulsive decisions.
Basically, what happened was a long chain of events that I won’t detail here (because it will take too long to flesh out), was that after warning her all day that the ATV was not a toy, that she needed to go slower on it, she didn’t heed my warning and flipped the ATV over with my boyfriend riding in the passenger seat.
My cousin’s girlfriend and I were in the cabin listening to music. She asked me if I heard anything, but I said it was probably just the music. Then we heard it again, we opened the door and went outside. We saw my cousin running up the path screaming “help! The atv flipped over! Yury is trapped underneath it!”
My boyfriend was pinned under the ATV. Adrenaline kicked in and I thought for sure he was dead. I didn’t want to believe it. I was terrified. The next thing I remember was hearing him screaming in pain. My brain relaxed slightly, to hear he was still alive. Now time to asses the damage. I tried to lift the ATV on my own, but no way, it was too heavy. The girls all started pushing from different sides in their panic, which was grinding the roll cage further into his leg.
He screamed in agony. I told the girls: “on three we need to lift at the same time girls ok? One, two, three!” We somehow managed to lift it. First just to release his leg. I looked over Yury to make sure no vital organs or anything were crushed in the crash. Thankfully it was just his ankle and his foot.
Somehow we managed to push the ATV back on to its wheels, so it wasn’t leaking fuel on the ground. At this point the full blown shock and panic set in. I ran to the first aid to try to find bandages, but I was panicking so much that I was looking but not able to read words. I was kicking the boxes screaming “I’m looking but not seeing”. My cousin came in and said; “why don’t you let me do that?” At which point I rounded on her and started screaming “why did you do that?! Why did you fucking do that?!”
I was so furious. I went up in flames. I must have looked possessed. Her girlfriend told me that my screaming wasn’t helping and to pull the car around so we could load yury in.
The situation was critical. It was the middle of the night. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell reception, and the closest hospital was a hour away. Not to mention we’d all been drinking. I told them: “I can’t drive, I’ve definitely had too much to drink.” I certainly wasn’t going to let my cousin drive after the accident she just caused, thankfully her girlfriend had stopped drinking hours before and offered to do it.
We had to drive into town 20 minutes to get cell reception so we could find an ER. Willits said it was closed. So we had to go all the way to Fort Bragg on these foggy, windy roads with deer jumping out in front of the car—which wasn’t even my car by the way, it was my bosses car. All while Yury is screaming in pain in the back seat.
We almost blew up the car by accidentally… by turning the ignition on while it was pumping gas. Thank god we turned It off in time. More stress.
It felt like an eternity until we got to the hospital. I kept screaming over and over how stupid this was, blaming my cousin and asking why she ignored my warnings all day and thought she could Tokyo drift the ATV like that. To be fair, my anger was justified, she almost killed my boyfriend. However, my yelling and screaming like a lunatic was not. On the drive I managed to calm down, and just focused on helping her girlfriend use the controls on the BMW.
I knew that I needed to just shut up and stop yelling, because I was doing damage. It was better for me to not talk to my cousin because I wanted to kill her at that time. It would be different if I hadn’t been warning and lecturing her all day not to drive crazy on it. Then it would have been on us. However, her eye rolling and dirty looks whenever I said anything about it, and the blatant disregard soon as she was out of range where I could see her—led to the situation we were in.
Granted we had all been drinking, so no one should have been driving, I didn’t say she could, I thought Yury was going to do it. He mostly smokes weed, and is a very safe driver. He’s the only person I trust to drive my car. He blames himself for letting her drive, and truthfully he shouldn’t have let her. However, she is one of those people who doesn’t look drunk when they are. She doesn’t slur her words, or stagger, she looks and talks normal.
She begged Yury to let her drive it, and he relented because “she looked so excited like a little kid” and he wanted her to have fun. He also thought she would go slow in the dark. We were all about to turn in for the evening when this all went down. Yury didn’t even have time to tell her to slow down before it flipped.
We got through it, but Yury is out of commission for months now. He fractured 4 bones in his foot, and he may need to see a specialist to reset the bones or put pins in some of them. He can’t walk, shower, go anywhere or do anything without help. This has put a lot of strain on me, as I already work multiple jobs, and have very little free time as it is. Of course I’m happy to do it and help him, but it has exhausted me. I basically have no time for self care.
He can’t work, so the responsibility to pay all our bills has fallen on me. He manages to scrape rent together with the little remote work he can get done, but everything else (groceries, pg&e, gas, etc) falls on me, and I don’t know if y’all have noticed—but shit is expensive now.
I worked a crazy amount of hours in August. 60-70 hour weeks. Didn’t have a day off for 3 weeks straight between all my jobs. Though I am grateful for the work, grateful that I make good money, not having any free time really wears on you after a while.
Hence why I was getting snippy with the kids. Not an excuse, but it is the origin. Not to mention my cat Persephone of 21 years literally died in my arms… I had quite a bit of trauma compacted into two weeks. To top all of this off, I gad a terrible session with my therapist of the last 5 years, which I think concludes our working relationship.
I told my therapist about the accident, and at the time I was very angry still. The day after the accident, I apologized to my cousin for yelling at her, but expressed my concern that she has these reckless behaviors, and that I hope this will serve as a wake up call for her not to do things like that in the future. She looked at me like she hated me and said: “yeah, ok.” And got in the car and left.
My therapist started in on me, about how I’m actually not taking accountability as I said I was. She rounded on me saying that I’m still saying it’s all her fault, which in my opinion it was, not to mention I was still mad. I think I had every right to be mad, Yury and I have over 4 grand in medical bills that we can’t pay, not to mention the fact that he can’t work, and I have to work double shifts to pay our bills. All because she ignored what I had been telling her all day long. I would not have let her drive the ATV. True, Yury shouldn’t have let her drive, but it was such a relatively short distance, and had she been driving normally, none of this would have happened.
I know it was an accident, I know she didn’t do it on purpose. Yet ultimately, she is refusing to take accountability for the part she played. She did not apologize to Yury, she had not called to ask how he’s doing. Nothing.
She ran to my grandmother and basically painted it like Yury and I told her she could do that, and made all these excuses for her behavior —which is just infuriating. All you had to do, was apologize, check in on Yury and maybe offer to help him out a little while he heals. It’s not that hard. Yet again, for some people, apologies are hard. She wasn’t raised with repentant parents, she never learned how to do it.
My cousin told my grandmother that our relationship is permanently damaged because I yelled at her. That my apology was too late. My grandmother said: “she looked up to you all her life, and you crushed her when you yelled at her.”
Apparently she was hurt in the accident as well, bruising on her side. I didn’t know she was hurt, had I known I would have made sure she went in to the hospital to get checked out. I wrote her a long letter apologizing for telling the way I did (again), but expressing why I was driven to that point and hoping that we could talk and resolve this when she’s ready. I told her I still love her, and always will, but I hope she makes healthier choices in the future. She never responded to my letter, it’s been over a month now.
I remember what it was like to party with a death wish. I was there at her age.
I remember what it felt like to want to chase oblivion, because the pain inside was catching up to you and you had to keep running or it would devour you whole.
I feel so heartbroken about the whole thing. The dissolution of my relationship with her, my anger toward myself at not having control of my rage, my fear for Yury that his leg will never heal right and he may not ever be able to hike or do any of the outdoorsy things he likes to do again…
To return to my therapist, it felt like she was taking my cousins side (just like my grandmother which also devastated me, as my grandmother has been my favorite person since I was a baby), and that I was crazy for being angry and upset that she almost killed my boyfriend.
People can’t always control how they respond to trauma in the moment that it occurs, but we can control how we respond after. My therapist continued to imply that I yell at people the way Yury yells at me sometimes. Not true. I yell because that was modeled to me by my parents, and I attract partners who model this dynamic to me and I live it out unconsciously. I told my therapist that in the moment, I felt like I had no control over my panic and anger. She replied very condescendingly: “how scary that must be for you. That you can’t control it.”
She also insinuated that I shouldn’t be a mother. I know therapists are supposed to challenge you, but they are not supposed to leave you feeling suicidal after a session with them. I felt personally attacked, none of it felt constructive.
Truthfully, things have been feeling off for the last year or so with my therapist. She dropped hints about “making our sessions more infrequent” and talking about ending our sessions when my healthcare runs out. This was the final nail in the coffin that showed me she doesn’t have any respect for me as a person, and honestly doesn’t want to be working with me anymore.
That’s fine, it’s time to move on. She wasn’t a great therapist anyway, I just used the service because it was what my insurance would cover. It stopped being beneficial to me years ago. She did help—I think—or at least it helped to have someone to bitch to once a week.
I had a therapist before her… that I really loved. In 2016 I started seeking therapy because my whole works fell apart during my Saturn return. I lost my home, my job of 7 years, my long term boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry… I lost my best friend. Then a mass exodus of friends taking her side and leaving me too. It was one of the darkest times in my life. I was starving, unable to afford food.. it was a nightmare. My therapist at the time was really amazing , and in the short time we worked together I made more progress with her than anyone else I had seen.
She was spiritual, used to do tarot with me, as well as reiki healing etc. she helped me see myself and the world in a whole different light. It was a Shane we had to part ways because my insurance wouldn’t cover her, and I couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. I was going hungry so I could see her. I wish I could find that therapist again.. she told me once: “You have been through an abnormal amount of trauma for someone your age, and it’s impressive how resilient you are. Most people with backgrounds like yours, end up on the streets using heavy drugs.”
I’ve been rambling for hours… but I guess I just needed to get this all out. Since all these recent events unfolded, I have been working really hard at taking deep breaths and monitoring my stress levels.
Also I recognize how much I complain, and I think a little gratitude practice would be good for me.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I have work, both my jobs are pretty kush in spite of the crazy hours, I have my health, thankfully my health issues subsided in 2021. I have a home, in a city and a neighborhood that I love. I did a lot of traveling in the last 2 years, I have my family with me, I have good friends. I have creative opportunities coming my way. Yury is still alive, I could have lost him. Thankfully he will heal eventually, and things will go back to the way they were. I have self awareness, which means I can change, and I have love in my life. Lots of it. I need to remember that, when things get tough.
