I have no idea what’s wrong with me. The past couple of weeks have been so good for me. I’ve understood Christ so well, felt so close to Him - Conference was great, Holy Week was great, then Easter came and the day had absolutely no religious significance for me. The past three days, I could barely care less about my spiritual duties.
I have so many issues with the Atonement. I admire Jesus, and He is a much more complex person than we assume. The crucifixtion is so painful for me to learn about; I weep over His sacrifice. I thank Him for His sacrifice. But I don’t understand why we need His sacrifice. You can explain to me over and over about God’s justice and how we are in need of a Redeemer but I can’t wrap my head around it. I can understand the need for Jesus, but I can’t accept the need for Jesus. If we are all living in error, why can’t God forgive us Himself? If God is all-knowing, all-powerful, then why does He need Jesus in order to relate to us? Why do we need Jesus in order to relate to God? I just don’t understand. It doesn’t sit well with me.
I have always had an affinity towards Judaism. The only religions I was exposed to when I was younger was Methodist communion service at school, Catholic weddings, and a single Reform bat mitzvah. The bat mitzvah was different, but it felt warm. I didn’t really understand what was going on - my friend’s mom had to explain things to me - but I didn’t feel alienated. I thought I wanted to convert to Judaism after that experience. It’s not something I feel so compelled to do now, though, because I’m not Jewish, and if I convert, I don’t think that I’ll ever feel fully Jewish. I’d be adopted, and I would know that I’m adopted. Adopted because I wanted to be adopted, not adopted because of want to adopt.
I love the teachings of the Church on the afterlife; it’s the main reason I’m here. I have felt God’s love, but it’s been scant lately, and I don’t know why. I want a relationship with Him. I don’t know how to draw closer.
