the adhd/add blues.
émile was not diagnosed with add until he nearly dropped out of trade school after a series of mental breakdowns throughout his early twenties. while he excelled at the tasks he did complete, he had trouble with focusing in his work, with procrastination, and with taking care of himself while keeping up with his studies. as a result of his seeming underperformance, he began to feel severely depressed, neglecting his eating, sleeping and exercising habits. he turned irritable, restless, angry. he was constantly tired, and he severely lacked motivation to continue with his education.
"a major problem for most adults with add: without the structure of school, without parents around to get things organized for him or her, the adult may stagger under the organizational demands of everyday life. the supposed little things may mount up to create huge obstacles. for the want of a proverbial nail -- a missed appointment, a lost check, a forgotten deadline -- their kingdom may be lost.” -- hallowell and ratey's suggested diagnostic criteria for attention deficit disorder in adults
but this was not the first time he’d felt this way: he’d spent the better part of his life thinking there was something off with him, but his concerns were ignored. his teachers never considered the possibility to a neurological aspect to his problems, and never brought up the topic of adhd -- they just frequently sent him to detention. his parents, while very loving and understanding, chalked it up to a learning disorder like dyslexia, or just general lack of motivation, typical of boyhood. as a result, they tried to set up strict routines for him, and helped him with his homework directly. this much helped him alleviate the issue, and his grades improved, but it never addressed the root of the problem.
it reflects, also, the history of underdiagnosis and undertreatment of add found in black and latinx children. according to a 2014 study by paul morgan, professor of education and director of the center for educational disparities research at psu, by the time children reach eighth grade, african american children are 69 percent less likely — and latino children 50 percent less likely — to receive an adhd diagnosis than their white counterparts. this study was reaffirmed and complemented by follow-up studies with similar, if not even more marked, results.
the reason for this disparity is multi-causal, and not the topic of this headcanon. in émile’s case, the idea of a psychological evaluation simply never came up when he was young, and it was not addressed by his parents. eventually, even émile began to accept his feelings and struggles as just the natural way of things. around his friends, there was also a heavy stigma around “craziness”, after all, and he did not want to be seen as crazy. further mental stress was placed around trying to “fit in”.
so, it takes being on his own for him to realize the depth of his problem. it takes some work, too, admittedly, to find specialists that will assist him effectively without disregarding his concerns (as it’s frequent for black and brown individuals). he goes through a couple of therapists first before ending up with one that brings up the topic of add and conducts proper evaluations.
the first feeling he gets from this diagnosis is relief -- it clicks, it feels right, this must be his problem. the second is anxiety -- and shame for not having realized things sooner. there’s also fear that he might be making everything up in his mind. and even to this day, that’s a feeling he struggles with on occasion (making him sometimes considering going without his meds).
his parents were hesitant about this development, but ultimately supportive. more so his mother than his father, who was initially concerned about drugs drastically having an impact on émile’s personality, or him becoming addicted to them on some level (a common misconception). it took some discussion to get him on the same page, and nowadays they both agree and support his diagnosis and decision to be medicated.
and sure enough, after much grief and experimentation with different meds, émile is currently under treatment, with meds that work for him, and that he’s comfortable with. it helps him with his focus and generally being a responsible adult. the medicine, however, is not 100% perfect and secondary effects may surface on occasion, but it’s better than nothing and certainly better than the feeling of brainfog that clouds him whenever he isn’t on his meds. moreover, it’s not just about them -- a lot of his problems (especially with emotional dysregulation) -- are things he has to actively work on and manage. so it’s still an ongoing process, but he’s a lot better than he used to be in his teenage years. he also managed to graduate successfully and even with above average grades.