( & . — NOW WE’RE SLEEPING NEAR THE EDGE )
HOLDING SOMETHING WE DON’T NEED
the edge of the han river, they’re more often than not found there and it’s funny to think that they all skate around. constantly on the move and yet they all come back to one place. headlights of someone’s car blind her when they pull up and she throws an arm up to shield herself, jokingly yelling that she’s too young to look into the light. she’s about to continue, teasingly scold the person who’s come there in a car and not on a board but it’s someone she doesn’t know and yet she does all the same. a familiar face but it’s not him. it couldn’t be him but her breath’s caught in her throat, heart pounding against her chest, all the same.
nearly three years and he still has this power over her. nearly three years and she’s not over what he did, not over him. it’s the latter that annoys her most because the former she’ll never forgive. it’s a vicious cycle: knowing that forgiving him would be a step closer to forgetting him but it won’t happen. it can’t. she just can’t do it. the most she can do is try to let it go.
and that’s the first song that comes to mind when jaeseop mentions that yura can play the guitar. it’s just her luck that it belongs to the guy who reminds her so much of her ex, if she could call him that. if what they had was worth calling a relationship.
because it was too late when everything began making sense in her head. the midnight dates, stolen kisses, the glances at his phone when he thought she wasn’t looking. she was naive enough to look past it, to let that go when she should’ve let go of him first. when she should’ve let go of his hand so that his girlfriend’s wouldn’t try to leave a mark on her face. the scratch faded from her promise ring but yura still swears she can see it in a certain light. dark, dim, gloomy, the color of self-loathing and it suits it all too perfectly.
when she accepts the guitar from him, it’s the first time their eyes meet, the first time he smiles at her, and she can feel her heartstrings being tugged. no, it’s actual strings being pulled, she becomes a marionette and she has half a mind to give the guitar back and say she’ll never play a song for him again. as if offending this guy will somehow be her finally standing up to him the way she should’ve sooner. looking at her board gives her more solace than she thought it would— she can hear her grandfather’s voice when he first gave it to her: it’s okay to fall as long as you get back up. a loud strum of the guitar shocks everyone and she laughs when there’s a chorus of protests.
♫ , from walking home and talking loads
to seeing shows in evening clothes with you
from nervous touch and getting drunk
to staying up and waking up with you
he was a charmer. it was why she gave him such a hard time at first — because he was too smooth, too good to be true. but he was also too experienced to the game when yura was but a rookie. sneaking off campus and jumping on the back of his motorbike, every cliche in the book but she was so damn blind.
she just wanted it to be true. she wanted to know love didn’t have to fall apart like her parents’ did. all she did was get too close to the edge.
♫ , now we're sleeping near the edge, holding something we don't need
all this delusion in our heads is gonna bring us to our knees
she didn’t believe it at first either. another cliche. believe the player, don’t trust the girl. players are the best at turning girls on each other when it should be him that incurs their wrath. a scratch and yura could pretend it was all the girlfriend’s fault that it escalated but the truth is she didn’t have to believe him, not when he was so blatantly pretending that she herself was to blame for it all. she didn’t have to believe a single bit of it, including when he told her he loved her.
♫ , so come on, let it go. just let it be
why don't you be you, and i'll be me?
everything that's broke, leave it to the breeze
why don't you be you, and i'll be me?
— a n d i ‘ l l b e m e
it’s a repeat of history. she learned it all, knew it word for word from her mother. from her grandfather. she could see it in the way her stepmother looked at her with such contempt. she knew the history and didn’t learn.
♫ , i used to recognize myself
it's funny how reflections change
when we're becoming something else
i think it's time to walk away
the lies continued. another game. cat and mouse. push and pull. repel and attract. she believed him one more time, a stupid mistake but one that belonged to her unlike the hand in hers. she lost herself. lost herself the same way her mother did. the shame couldn’t be washed away now even as the scar from the scratch faded.
♫ , tryna fit your hand inside of mine
when we know it just don't belong
cause no force on earth could make it feel right, no no
tryna push this problem up the hill
when it's just too heavy to hold
i think now's the time to let it slide
“i’ll leave her.” a lie. “it’s over between us.” another. “you’re the one i want to be with.” and another. because there’s an important word he left out. one he would use before and one that’s gone missing now, only. i only want to be with you. you’re the only one i want to be with. just like that, it was over.
♫ , so come on, let it go. just let it be
why don't you be you, and i'll be me?
everything that's broke, leave it to the breeze
why don't you be you, and i'll be me?
— a n d i ‘ l l b e m e
a coda and she feels lighter than she did when she first saw him. she hands the guitar back and she thinks maybe she could do this for real. maybe she’ll see him again and she’ll just be herself.
come on, let it go, just let it be
why don't you be you, and i'll be me?
— a n d i ‘ l l b e m e
( & . — THE COLOR OF MY HEART IS BLACK )
IT WAS BURNT TO BLACK, JUST LIKE THAT
it was meant to help build up her confidence before the audition but as she sits there clutching the mic, she wonders if her voice will ruin the vibe of the song. it’s soft, emotional, not the type of song she usually sings but she’d been trying to sing more often late. it could’ve been a more public stage, considering who it’s with. she’s sure if he posted on instagram or snapchat, it’d be possible to draw a larger crowd but she reminds herself one more time: it’s about the song and it hits close to home. she knows all too well about hiding lies in the word love, about people pretending love is forever.
her grip tightens and there’s a hand on her shoulder. it’s okay, that’s the message she feels conveyed in that quick second as the music starts and she has time to compose herself because a majority of the song is his. yet a part of her thinks this is what she needs for the performance, maybe she doesn’t have to be okay, because this song isn’t about being okay.
♫ , people smile with an effort, hiding the truth as if they’re happy
while hiding the lie in the word love as if it will be f o r e v e r
the lyrics remind her that she’s honest but not as honest as she wishes she could be, as she should bee because she’ll never tell. not a single soul will know as long as she can help it. her arrangement with her step-mother is her own burden and she feels the weight more as the song continues. this is my last confession, she wants to say the same but it’s only clearer that she has no choice.
♫ , people smile with an effort, hiding the truth as if they’re happy
while hiding the lie in the word love as if it will be f o r e v e r
her confession is more than that, it’s more than her so-called promise to her stepmother, it’s a secret she never wants her father to know either. that as much as she claims to despise him now, she knows one day she’ll miss him. her stubborn tendencies make it impossible for her to acknowledge that she misses him now, what they could’ve had, what it should’ve been— what it would be like if he chose her mother instead. the what if’s always hurt the most and not at least trying is her fault.
♫ , someday when I’m left at the edge of the world alone, i might miss you yeah
someday when I’m tamed to the edge of sadness, i might regret at the end
the difference is there’s no going back, especially not after this. all she can do it let it all fade. fade away, fade to black.
