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im rlly close w my cousins and one of them is best friends w a gay guy that ive known ??? forever since my cousin and i are close and im p sure he knows im gay but he hasnt said anything but we always support each other during hot take discussions bc all of ours are the same and it’s ??? solidarity like we’re more acquaintances than anything but he’s seen me through my ups and downs in life bc we see each other like maybe 4-5 times a year but we’re Bonded

#he's seriously known me since i was like 6 and he was 8 asdnxcbfhv #we bond over music and stuff #and he ALWAYS knows like 'do u watch x i feel like u do' or 'u have a stan acc dont u' skskjdfnhjd #td i was saying how i was upset that i couldnt watch euphoria and he was like 'you have to YOU would love it #*it'#and my cousin that he's friends w was talking ab going to chick fil a and then my other cousin's bf and her were talking ab what they love #from there and just before i was going to say how much i hate chick fil a my cousin's bf goes 'chick fil a or mcdonalds'#and he says 'mcdonalds bc i dont support chick fil a' and i was like SAME and #yeah

man i know ppl always like 'dont always be looking for what they want u to say, say how u actually feel/think' and the thing is that i literally?? cannot do that like. within absolutely every interaction i have, be it here or irl, i cannot just say what i feel/think and i get that yea w/e everyone has to do this at some point sometimes often, but i literally cannot turn it off there is no point at which i can just stop thinking about what you want me to say. do you know what my conversations would look like if i just said what i thought. nothing. i wouldnt have conversations and id be universally hated because the only thing that would come out of my mouth is 'why are you talking to me. i dont know what you want. please leave' like?? and in some instances its simply not possible to choose a middle way, say something innocuous, like when people ask for opinions (and oh god do i hate this) like. how do you feel about this? what are you feeling right now what do you think about this thing i am invested in like?? look i cant say 'i feel nothing. i do not care about this thing. as soon as it is out of my sight i will forget it existed and likely it will never cross my mind again.' and ur like 'ok well lots of ppl think that when randoms show them stuff' but this is how i think/feel around 'friends' and family like?? this shit chronic its not going away i cant just pretend im not searching for the right answer or attempting to answer things the way you want. the absolute worst thing you could say to me is ‘there is no right answer just tell me what you think’ and give me zero indication how you want it answered i will just stare at you in terror

#look like. i dont wanna be an asshole to people and my rationale when it comes to things like validation is #'this is important to this person and will help development and esteem (esp w kids) so whether or not i believe what im saying i gotta say i #*it'#like??#i might not rly feel anything but i am not about to be an asshole bc of it??#wall of text lmao #ill get rid of this later #in part i do believe this is due to how i was raised and often like. i couldnt say what i wanted and i was always looking for the right answ #*er talking to my parents #but its also like. i feel like when you ask me these things suddenly theyre intangible in my mind??#i literally. i feel like i cant GRASP it suddenly everything is like. unreal and impossible #the number one way to dpdr honestly lmao :))#long post

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