"Cha Yeo Woon's life and my lousy life can find happiness too."
I was wrong. Tae Myung Ha’s behaviour didn’t change after learning that him failing his mission, that him failing to make Cha Yeo Woon happy, would cost his life. What does it mean really? What does his mission truly entail? Making sure his presence brings Yeo Woon happiness? And what about when he’s no longer around? How will Yeo Woon feel? What happens to him when he’s no longer there? What does it mean to make Yeo Woon happy if his happiness is as ephemeral as his presence in the same world as him?
Myung Ha is aware that the clock is ticking. Not just because of the time reminder that unexpectedly appears in front of him, he knows he was given a mission in this game in which he knows the main character more than himself.
Although the lines are becoming blurry between the real and the virtual world (him wondering who that “senior” is in ep 4 when he rereads his notes in his notebook hints at this blur) he remains aware of the short time frame he has to make that happiness – that vague idea as his senior describes it – real for Yeo Woon. But you know what? It’s never been about Yeo Woon’s happiness. Not really. As early as episode 1, Myung Ha makes a parallel between his life and Yeo Woon’s, saying that people who have led miserable lives can become happy. Myung Ha refuses to be defined by the life he has led until now. It kills him to know that his senior thinks someone like Yeo Woon is doomed to live a miserable life. That’s why one of the first things he does when his world collides with his is to look for the boundaries Yeo Woo has(n’t?) defined for his happiness: when did he ever feel remotely happy (“Cha Yeo Woon, have you really never felt happy while you run? Never. Really? You can be… dumb sometimes.” (ep 2)), Does he want to eat an ice cream? Does he want new shoes? What are you looking for Cha Yeo Woon? What makes you get up in the morning when the sun rays gently hit your face? How long have you been this lonely? How cold do you feel inside? Why do you feel like you don’t deserve my kindness? Why does your voice break when you talk about yourself? Why do I feel like your eyes hide a pain whose depths I can’t fathom? Why do you hate yourself the most? Why does it bother you when I hang out with Sang Won? You said I didn’t know anything, then tell me, what am I missing?
If happiness was something Myung Ha could give to Yeo Woon, he would give it to him, in an instant. But happiness is not something you can give to someone. It’s something you invite in and let the other decide if he’s willing to let it come in. But how can Myung Ha teach Yeo Woon to welcome happiness when he has never been able to do so himself?
Tae Myung Ha is the kind of person who forgets himself when he cares for someone. Although he knows his penalty is death, although the debuffs affect him physically, he brushes it off easily. Because his senior has given him the power to make his favourite person happy. However, it scares him to have such a power because it means that, ultimately, Yeo Woon’s happiness will rely on his presence by his side. When Kyung Hoon mentions how they’ll be drinking together in their twenties, Myung Ha is startled: what do you mean I’ll be part of your future? I mean, can I? Will I? This realisation shocks him. What do you do when you’re supposed to be the key to a locked door only for the door to change lock as soon as you open it? What is he supposed to do? Isn’t it cruel? Make Yeo Woon happy only to leave him behind? This matter of time frame is exactly why he easily shakes off the idea of dating him in ep 1 because he is convinced he won’t have time for it to happen. A relationship builds itself with time and time is what he doesn’t have, not really anyway.
I like how time is depicted in this drama, how it perfectly encapsulates how incomprehensible its cogs work. Myung Ha has only been around for less than two weeks and yet he’s already had a huge impact on the people around him: he became Kyung Hoon’s friend, Sang Won’s new obsession, Si A’s helper/part-timer, and Yeo Woon’s light. Everything is happening so fast and yet it all makes sense. It doesn’t feel rushed at all because it’s Myung Ha. Because he’s the kind of person you grow attached to quickly. Because once he enters your life, he rents a piece of your heart for an indefinite amount of time. His presence feels warm and his warmth feels so normal that you let it sink in, thinking it’ll forever be there to melt your inner winters.
I can’t wait to see how Yeo Woon will return his warmth, how he’ll make Myung Ha happy without him realising. I know the heartbreak will come but for now, I’m expecting some more sunny spells.