#-ct

[companionwolf]

'You don't have to do this to yourself.' If I can't even remember what they did, what I fucking saw, then why am I here. I was supposed to bear witness for her.

...I think something(s) very very very very very very bad happened to us(her).

[companionwolf]

...They killed her. You know that? They killed the little girl(s) and I had to watch. Do I even remember what I saw? No. I just know she died, over and over and...

I don't even...

I'm crying and crying but I don't even remember. I don't remember. I don't.

What the fuck did they do. What the fuck did they do to the little girl(s). What did they do that I don't even remember.

[companionwolf]

I mean, I know and get what they mean when they insist I am and always was a person. They don't...understand though.

It's like if I told them we'd had always been a genderqueer boy. They'd have disagreed. At one point we were a little girl. Not in an old self new self way, but very literally. There was a little girl. There are little girls, even, although I think many of them are asleep now.

In any case, in that same vein, but less literally...at one point I was not a person.

That's what I mean.

I hope it makes sense.

I'm going to go...cry more now.

[companionwolf]

We...fuck, I'm saying we again. I'm not a white collar anymore but it's true still.

We never got to be kids.

We weren't adults either. Not even people. Just presence, and not even noticed. We were only able to watch, to bear witness. Sometimes we were there to take the abuse, I think, but...

We didn't get to be children. We didn't get to have birthdays. We didn't get to play toys. We didn't get to have someone read to us...

I didn't get to.

Fuck. I'm crying.

And maybe Kane's right. I can call myself a person all I want but...you can't just stop being. You can't just turn off what you are. All I was - am? - is a witness and something to use. Now I...

Wolf always says I'm a person and was always but fuck, it feels like lying-- like I'm pretending. People have childhoods. People have memories. I didn't. I don't.

...This hurts so badly.

(I don't even know if it's real.)

[companionwolf]

Grace Rocky save stars! ...Er, sands...?

[companionwolf]

Two gay dogs (er, wolves) having an argument in the blue desert. #lovewins?

[companionwolf]

What if nothing ever happened. What if it's all been nothing. What if I don't exist.