TW: vent (kinda), financial struggles, anxiety, depression, and other adult stuff (badly)
Well... I have up to two weeks until my new license comes in... and it's opened my eyes to... well, a lot of things.
Namely, the fact that I am terrible at being an adult...
I feel like at my age, I should know how these things work, but I just don't. I should be independent. I should be able to do something right without fucking it up, just like my friends who HAVE done this stuff.
... and I can't.
So... I tried looking into finances. Chances are... it's going to be a long time before I even become independent. I'm transferring (hopefully) to a community college for about 2 years to finish my degree... and that's around $9,400–$12,000. Chances are... I'm gonna need to take out loans, which was expected. My mom isn't as well off as my dad is, and I REALLY don't want to burden her further with money.
I do plan on getting a job as soon as possible. My mom said that she could ask around and potentially enlist her friends in to hire me, but I'd feel bad if they just hired me because I'm "my mom's kid." And that's IF I even get a job (considering the current job market).
And then after I have my degree... that's even more scary. In my state, it's around $67K with a nursing salary. But since I'll be new... I won't be earning that much.
Again. IF I have a job.
IF.
So... I have to throw out stuff like rent, car stuff, surgery (which I've already convinced myself is NOT happening; I'll be kicked out of the building if I even try saying "I want top surgery") until I have a stable salary on my hands.
... and I have no clue what I'm even doing half the time.
To me, the world just feels... hostile. Every mistake I make is a sin to everyone else, even something small. Everyone else is free to do it, but if it's me? That's basically a death penalty. In my head, I'm the worst "human" alive. I barely pass as an adult, I'm not exactly that good-looking, I'm a burden, I'm too dependent, and I just... I'm not that likeable in general.
I try so hard just to get through what little time I still have at my dad's house. I haven't lashed out at anyone (last time I checked), but I'm terrified that I will... at some point, I'm going to screw up so badly that everyone around me won't want anything to do with me.
... I'm embarrassed to even admit it, but I've been thinking about starting a GFM to help pay the costs for my degree. I'm not sure if I'll even make it though since there's WAY more important things to donate money to, besides some lowlife like me. I don't deserve help. I have to try harder more than anyone else so I can prove I'm worth something...
... and it doesn't matter how often my friends say I'm not failing... or that things will get better... I'm sorry, but I genuinely can't see how...
I can believe it for a short time... even say it out loud. But in the end... it all just comes back down. At the end of the day... I'm still me. And there is no fixing that...
... and if I'm a bad friend for not listening... I'm sorry... please... I want to believe it... I really do...
... if you give up on me, I understand...
,,, I want to give up...
