#02.13.2022

[visualranch]

🤍🤍🤍

edit: @visualranch

[jocy-diaries]

02.13.2022

I wish I was happier. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me apart from not getting my assignments done. It’s really ruining everything which makes me want to cut it out of the equation instead of stressing about it.

In any case…Had a small breakfast today with pastries from Friday. I may still be drinking too much coffee and am unable to do any work. I’m also realizing now that the British study abroad might be closing and I still haven’t gotten anything set up for the Italy study abroad which might mean I’m a loser who isn’t spending summer in Europe after all, and this is especially damming since father already bought the tickets to France. I just. This is all so hard. Nothing has ever been this hard before and it’s ridiculous. I know that things shouldn’t be this hard, right? And I know I should be able to handle this so why can’t I?

Sigh. If nothing else, I finally finished reading ‘Nothing But Blackened Teeth’. Writing horror seems fun because you can literally just do whatever and add all of the weird poetic messed up descriptions you want. Horror is a genre of aesthetics, I like it. I’m listening to ‘Stiff’ now, and since it’s taking me forever to read one little book I think my book goal for this year needs to be seriously diminished… I still have podcasts I want to listen to.

I think…I’m gonna pause my degree. I do still want the MLIS, but I just. I just can’t right now. I’ll speak about this to my therapist first, and I do want to do something in the Summer, but I really don’t know how feasible it is for me to continue at the moment. I want to focus on trying to be good at work…Maybe after March I can decide? If it’s not too late… I’ll have to finish this semester for sure because I don’t want to just drop like I did with VSU, but I’m not liking myself at all because of this degree and I don’t want that to be my constant for two more years. I want the degree but it’s just not a priority to me right now. My job and moving out is. And I don’t know if it will easily become a priority again, but it feels like I’m starting to resent the MLIS and I don’t want that! There have been so many sunk costs… I just want to breath without feeling guilty. I just want to breathe without feeling guilty…

Well. Apart from that, my stomach hurts from all the coffee. And my sister and I watched a bunch of the library movies I got. I did her hair afterwards, and I’ve got to buy another USB DVD player. And…do homework…

Okay… At first I did really think that the reason why I was so unable to do this homework was because it was for me and I hated myself so much. But now that I’m thinking about it, maybe it’s because I’m not in a stable place? When I kept thinking of when I could start the MLIS again if I stopped, the answer was always ‘Once I get a full time non contract job in my own apartment’ and I realized that things were always iffy with the MLIS only when I wasn’t sure where I would live. I have my parents to fall back on, thank the gods, but I have no lace of my own. Half of my stuff is still in boxes and I need to get financially stable first before I can hope to move out. But I desperately need to. I think that might be what’s holding me back. I’ve had nice out plans ready since last October that keep on failing and now I’m just trying to get one that works. I think if that part stabilizes I might have a lot more success… But just in case, I’ll finish this semester. I’ll see if the England program is full, and if so, maybe do the Italy program, if not for credit then as a volunteer thing for my resume and the experience. That would play as the digital preservation experience I wanted so it still works. I just, need to know where my priorities lie and how to achieve them without killing myself over the details. We can do this, we just have to be better about it.

I guess another less depressing thing to mention is I’m getting back into my hair, I’m using light oils with aloe Vera again but more oils than last time which I think should be a lot better. And on an odd note, I don’t know what to do with my DnD character Writt anymore. I really liked him as a cursed sorcerer and artificer, but his brother is already a full artificer so I thought of having him as a cursed sorcerer rogue. But apparently rogue can have a magical element to it, so I thought maybe he’ll be a cursed warlock and a magical rogue but it’s still weird to have two magic elements to him? And just being a rogue isn’t cursed enough?? I don’t know where the story fits with him any more which is so sad and disappointing. On the other hand, I wish I could play like, gartic phone or some sort of silly little game with my Saturday DnD group just as a bonding activity or something. I want us to be FRIENDS but I’m not sure how to do that…

I also know that I keep putting off getting my tattoo and buying a playing computer…but those would be perfect things for when I get to live out on my own. That way I can set it up perfectly and I won’t have to worry about explaining it to my parents. I think I might want to wait for that reason alone, not because of hesitation. I’m pretty positive about my future tattoos now.

I’m still freaking out about class because it’s still a lot and I’m still stressed but. It feels better knowing the reason why now. And knowing that I’ll be doing something about it. Will try to lay off the coffee too.