match point, chapter six.
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— In which Art and Patrick find themselves intertwined with the relationship of tennis superstar Tashi Duncan and her best friend, Lennon Caddel.
LENNON CADDEL DIDN'T RESENT TASHI DUNCAN. She loved her. Adored her. Sometimes Lennon was so overwhelmed by her love for Tashi that it physically hurt. When she was flipping through photo albums or laughing at one of Tashi's jokes, she would be so overcome with love that her arms would start to tingle all the way down to her fingers and her stomach would start to hurt. No matter how many times Tashi had made her cry or practice so hard she could barely stand, she was still fully convinced that this friendship is what she was made for. Even though she sometimes hated when people saw the two of them as a matching set, Lennon could understand why. She barely existed off of the tennis court, even less so if she wasn't by Tashi's side. As the two got older, and their tennis careers got more serious, Tashi had taken on a more controlling personality. Lennon essentially had two tennis coaches. Her dad and her best friend. It didn't bother her, most of the time anyway. It was kind of nice to have someone looking out for her future, even if she would rather die than play professional tennis. She just hoped that Tashi would cool down a little once school started. With a roster full of other tennis players and a new set of coaches, Lennon wouldn't need that much coaching from Tashi. She hoped that she understood that too.
The night before move in, both Lennon and Tashi were lying awake The night before move in, both Lennon and Tashi were lying awake. Both girls were in their respective beds, for the last night in who knows how long, staring up at the ceiling. Tashi was so excited for the up coming year that it was hard to sleep. The idea of having new people to talk tennis with, new coaches to learn from, and a campus full of people who didn't really know her made her so exhilarated that when she would close her eyes, she would have to stop herself from giggling. And the fact that she got to do it with her best friend made it all that more exciting.
Lennon, on the other hand, was dreading the next day. Her stomach was twisted into knots and her mind was racing with ideas on how to push off her freshman year for as long as possible. For her, it was another year of people expecting something from her. To be the best on Stanford's tennis roster, to end the semester on the Presidential Honor's List, to be the best friend and daughter and person she could be. She doesn't remember what not being stressed feels like.
The idea of sleep had left her mind a while ago, so Lennon decides to get out. Out of bed, out of her house, or just out. Away from here. As quietly as she can, she slips on her shoes and exits her house. She almost tripped over three boxes by the time she was on her back porch, to which she cringed at the thought of waking her parents. How would she explain to them why she was leaving the house at one in the morning?
In the dark, only illuminated by a few string lights and street lamps, Lennon crosses her backyard and hops the fence. Luckily for her, she lived just a few steps from the beach. For the past nine years, she had had a designated spot on that beach. When she fought with her parents, when she lost an important match, when she just needed to clear her head, that's where she went. Nobody knew about her spot except Tashi, which made it theirs. Sometimes when Lennon needed to cool down, she would walk to that familiar place on the shore and Tashi would already be there. She hoped today wasn't one of those days.
Lennon let out a breath she didn't know she was holding when she saw that the beach was clear. It took everything in her not to run and kiss the ground. She sat down like she had many times; knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, her chin on her knee. Looking out onto the water, only lit up by the moon, the weight of the world on her shoulders, she couldn't do anything but cry. Half of her was so grateful for the life she had the opportunity to live. She had the most amazing parents that would do anything for her, the type of friendship written about in novels, and a full ride to the number one university for tennis in the country. This was the life people dream of. The life she had dreamed of at one point. The other half of her was just so tired. She felt like she had been running and chasing this dream for so long, that she didn't even know if she wanted it anymore. She didn't even know if this was her dream or someone else's.
"I knew you'd be here."
Lennon didn't have to turn around to know who was behind her. After nineteen years, the smile in Tashi's voice was easy to recognize.
She sinks down beside her, resting her head on Lennon's shoulder. "You okay?" Her smile had faded, concern taking over when she heard her sniffle.
Normally, Lennon would lie. She would wipe her eyes, smile softly, and say that she was fine. That she was so excited to move to Stanford that it had brought her to tears. But she didn't feel like lying today. Tashi was her best friend, wasn't she? She should be able to tell the truth and not have to live in fear of the reaction she would receive.
"Honestly?" She started, laughing dryly, "No."
Tashi lifted her head and maneuvered her body so that she was sitting directly in front of Lennon. She looked almost pathetic in the moonlight. Her eyes were red rimmed and filled with unshed tears, her lips were raw from biting them. Tashi reaches up and uses the pad of her thumb to wipe away the tears resting in the bags of Lennon's eyes. She can't help but lean into her touch.
"Talk to me." Tashi smiles sadly. She knew why she was upset.
"I just…" Her voice cracked, "Please, please don't get mad at me." Her lower lip quivers as she sucks in a deep breath and looks away. The fear of disappointing Tashi for the second time in two days was almost enough to have her sobbing on the shore.
"Hey hey hey," Tashi uses the hand on Lennon's cheek to force her gaze back to her. Her eyebrows were furrowed and every part of her felt guilty for making her best friend feel like she wasn't allowed to have feelings. "I'm not going to be mad at you, Len. Promise."
Lennon lets out a shaky breath, meeting Tashi's eyes. She believed her. "I hate this so much, Tashi. I'm so tired." She didn't have to continue. Tashi knew what she meant. Tired of being looked up to. Tired of having to win all the time. Tired of being something she's not.
Lennon had started to stutter out an apology but Tashi just pulled her into a hug, shushing her as she started to cry again. "I know, honey. It's okay… You're okay." She whispered into her hair, pressing her lips to her hairline. Maybe I've been too hard on her, she thought. Maybe I need to chill out a little. She's terrified I'm going to be mad at her.
It wasn't as often anymore that the two girls understood exactly what the other was thinking. They still knew each other better than anyone else did, and that would never change. But as they grew older, they had started keeping secrets from each other. Both girls had parts of themselves that they wanted to just be theirs, separate from their "dynamic duo."
But in this moment, on their spot on the beach, Lennon in Tashi's arms; they understood each other completely. Like a really good game of tennis, it was like they were in love. Or like nothing else existed or mattered other than the two of them. This was the feeling Lennon had been dreaming of for so long. Not the feeling of winning or pleasing the people around her. The feeling of being loved, despite her flaws and insecurities. The feeling of being known so well that it hurt. And only Tashi could give her that.
