One Night
There is always that one night when I just can’t seem to fall asleep. That one night somehow feels heavier than the others. Whatever life is left within me, barely feels alive. The blanket weighs heavy, but my thoughts weigh heavier. It is tough to breathe, as if your absence is choking me.
I scroll through so many feeds, so many pages,, and every face reminds me of yours, every smile dims in comparison to yours, every text reminds me of your voice. Books, TV, music, running - or at the very least, some emptiness - I’ve tried everything to keep my mind occupied, away from you. But every little thing makes me want to run up to you and tell you how much I miss you - how much I still love you.
"Forget and move on," they say. That early morning routine of texting you “good morning”, that 0730 bus ride, that 1330 lunch, the stolen glances in between us lecturing, those hours upon hours spent on just being there with each other and that late night “sweet dreams, see you in the morning.” How can you move on from someone who has become such an integral part of you? From someone who plagues your thoughts, without even knowing it?
Sometimes I wonder if the one you share your morning coffee with knows the amount of sugar you want in it? How you always had espresso shots, rather than coffee in the morning? I wonder if he knows you like toasts with jam and not butter? If he knows that you’ll pick out your tomatoes from your sandwiches? How you’d never paint the nails on your ring fingers? What your favorite show, even though you always lie and say that you don’t watch TV?
And if he loves you like I did?
I want to laugh, but I don't know how. I want to cry, but I don't know why. The heart doesn't want to forget you; the mind doesn't know how to forget you. And in the crossfire is me; dying, every day, slowly like a melting candle. Sometimes I wonder if every broken heart finds its days longer than usual.
People always want the things they know they can't have. I am no exception. But I am still figuring out where all those late-night texts, excited voice-texts, long phone calls and cute post-it notes disappeared to.
And where our love disappeared.
Take care.
Someone who's trying to forget you, with no avail.
