12:55 rambles
Hindi ko alam kung hormones ba ‘to o ano pero I have this sudden urge to walk aimlessly around the Acad Oval again. And I know myself at least that much to know that that is a signal that my will is falling the fuck apart.
Eto na naman ako eh. I went to this site where you can listen to themed music. I entered “sadness”. Then I added “self-love”, but I deleted it. I think I’m just going to wallow in self-pity for now.
Yiruma’s Kiss The Rain struck my bones and I started to cry, quietly. May mga kasama ako sa room. I never appreciated how good an instrumental piece Kiss The Rain is. Naisip ko lang nung tumugtog yun kanina, mainstream ng lintik na ‘to. But my body was too tired to click next, so I listened on. Little did I know, it would give me my first tears for the night.
Ang sakit ng dibdib ko. Ang bigat, parang napupuno ako. I feel like I’m losing my closest college friend, even though I know she wasn’t mine to lose. Naisip ko, is it me? Did I not ask her about herself enough? Di ko ba sya kinilala? Were we too shallow? Kaya ba mas malapit na sila nung isa? Hindi ko ba inopen enough yung sarili ko?
Tangina ko naman kasi eh. Why is it so damn hard for me to open myself up to somebody? Wala naman akong troubled past, wala naman akong dark history. Pero bakit ako may trust issues? Why can’t I just fucking talk to someone? Putangina, J. Bakit, isla ka ba? Eh kung yung lone island nga, sinasakop na ng China eh, ikaw pa ba?
Ganun kaya yung feeling ko? Tamang analogy ba yun? Na isa akong lone island, at lahat ng naga-approach sakin, may doubts ako kung China ba sila. Na magte-take advantage siya sa akin. Na ieexploit niya ako. Na sasakupin niya ako for his or her own advancement, and that alone.
I know ang unfair nun sa mga taong matino naman. Alam ko, unfair yun sa mga tao who bore their backs to me when I can’t even roll up a sleeve for them. Pero alam ko kasing mahina ako eh. Alam kong a single blow can rip through my thin screen, that a tiny push can topple down the bricks that are my guards. I always keep everybody at an arm’s length because I know if they go a little bit closer than where they should be, makikita nila what an utter shit I am. And how shitty my thoughts can be.
Sabi ko sa kanila, I don’t like hugs, that I don’t like physical contact. And well, tama naman yun eh. I don’t want just anybody coming near me, laying their hands on my skin. Pero tonight was the night when I really needed a hug. The temperature is quite high but I feel cold and hard and barren. I needed a hug to thaw my wasteland heart. Actually, even a smile could have done the trick. If it came from people who matter.
