#1-1-16

[365-thoughts-daily-blog]

A day is just what you make it.

1 of 366

[sortasupersmelly]

in 5th grade for graduation kids were allowed to make certain letters out of their own creative drawing & the letters would make up some poster i think it said 2006 Graduation and i signed up to do one of the zeroes or the “O” & i decided to draw this fcking amazing dragon in the shape of the 0. it took me a really long time & my teacher told me at some point that if i didnt turn it in by a certain time (past the due date) it wouldnt be included so i finished in the nick of time. and from what i remember it turned out fcking magnificent. on graduation day while my fam & i were walking out of the school we saw the sign right outside of the office & it had mine & my parents where so impressed & i told them i wished i could keep it & my dad was like just take it off the poster no one will care but i panicked & i decided not to take it. i seriously regret that bc i wanna see my 5th grdae drawing skills (or lack there of) also no one would have cared it was the last day they def threw that poster away.

[sortasupersmelly]

one time in elementary school at Arroyo Vista there was this thing where anyone could submit drawings i think about like staying healthy or DARE or smthing & the student gov would vote & there would be a winner & they would use the winners drawing for posters. So i submitted & it was like a drawing of fruit ppl & an evil cig or smthing. I was in student gov so i helped the voting process, we broke up in groups and voted on drawings that didnt have the names on them. my drawing was in a diff group. at some point i saw a boy, i think Zach, walk up to the teacher w my drawing & I got so happy & giddy but then i overheard him ask her  “what does this me?” and i think all she said was something along the lines of “I cant discuss the art with you. You guys will have to figure it out yourselves.” i was fcking crushed. i think thats when i stopped drawing honestly. like i thought it was such a good drawing but apparently the only reaction it evoked was unimpressed confusion. how terrible.

[sortasupersmelly]

while i was making my Instagram tribute to Cujo i was crying so much, like messy crying. the type of crying with snot bubbles & stuff.

but im sure everyone who sees that post will think im just desperate for attention. when im actually just a sentimental cry baby who just realized the reality of their cat dying (3 days late)

[sortasupersmelly]

mkay that previous post was partly bc of this one thing that jst happened a sec ago. partly. 

well i posted a pic of my cat, Cujo, who just died on Wednesday Dec 30, 2015. i posted it bc my instagram helps me keep track of what has happened, esp since i have shit memory. its like a sorta picture diary. i did Not post it so get simpathy & like comments expressing pity or w/e. I knew the ptentially of that happening & i genuinely do appreciate is ppl express empathy & stuff, that can be nice but it kinda pisses me off when a dumb idiot guy comments “Nooo!!!”  like just dont comment. you are clearly making a weak attempt at expressing the fact that you wish he didnt just die & you feel sad but like how insincere & even if u genuinely are a bit sad it seems like ur making it about yourself so honestly go away. & u could have easily commented making it mostly about Cujo something like “He was the best” or some shit. i would have actually liked that bc my post was a tribute to Cujo, not to you. like you interacted w my cat like at the very most 15 times, i lived w him... im just sad & angry

[sortasupersmelly]

i know no one ever believes anyone when they say this but all my social media platforms are actually for me. like im not trying to appeal to any mass because that is a hopeless, unproductive effort. it can be nice & validating to sometimes get positive feed back but i certainly do not need it or rely on it & sometimes i dont want it tbqh like i dont need the type of fake positive validation that is actually coming from a place that i can tell is condescending & is based in the assumption that i need ur validation. 

[i-am-all-extremes]

I think no matter how hard you wish, during every 11:11 or on a shooting star or throwing coins into fountains, or blowing your candles on your birthday cake, if it isn’t meant to be, it won’t happen. And if it is meant to be, it will find it’s way to you. It’s fate. Things happen for a reason, whether you understand the reasoning or not, you will one day. But for now all you can do is just accept it.  Maybe I am just being a debby downer about it, wishes can come true I guess, but what’s meant to be for you and what is to happen to you is supposed to happen anyways.