[amortizing]

[alameerw-deactivated20230409]

End things before they end you.

[i-am-all-extremes]

25 and i still don’t know..

Is it bad.. is it? Gah fucking damn.. I’m all about him.. I have accepted him truly as a person inside and out.. but the thought of him having kids..it just really makes me think.. so much and so deep. I truly do accept him fully and whole.. and accept his kids too, but I can’t be in that position.. I don’t want to be an addition to a family.. a plus one.. every family vacation to be the one taking the pictures because it’s not MY family. I don’t want baby mama drama. I want this to be easier than it has to be.. I want to be so bad. I want to be everything he needs.. and yeah he needs a main woman in his life and I want to be that, so bad.. Why’d it have to be like this? I want to be ready.. Why couldn’t it be easier? I think it’s the fact he’s already so far ahead of me.. He’s done the whole marriage thing, the whole raising a child thing, so many firsts that I want to experience with a person... and their first as well. I’m so torn.. like this is not easy at all. I opened up to him and was so vulnerable and fuck, I love him already. Thinking about breaking my own heart fucking makes me so sad. Damn it. The fact this love is so pure and has such good intentions make me so happy with him. He makes me feel a different type of love, like a true one... one that would last because we click on a level I haven’t w/ anyone. I want him and I love him. I know I don’t need him.. the fact that I think this one would be so much longer to get over than my 3.5 year relationship really speaks volumes. I’m here 3 months in.. and really can’t imagine leaving & if i did.. I really would be broken.. I really hate this. So many fucking thoughts in my head. I’m being such a selfish bitch, I know in my heart and soul that I would never be on the top of his list and the kids will always be first and I truly am okay with that because it is his kids.. but a part of me just wants to be someone’s first choice.. someone’s number one.. I hate that quality about me. I don’t deserve to be someone’s second option.. or priority.. i deserve to be first.. I’m still insecure about his ex wife too, he’s got some type of love for her just because she’s the mother of his two kids.. and that just makes me feel like I’ll come in second to even her. Everything scares me. Do I just wake up one day and be ready to become a step mom? I don’t think so. It’s not an easy process. I don’t think I’m in a rush.. He might be.. I know we don’t have time to waste.. and trust me i don’t want to waste it..but it’ll take a lot of time for me to accept that those big steps are done for him while i didn’t get to experience them yet.  

[gentle-fluidity]

When he ugly but he ugly cute to you

[i-am-all-extremes]

Don’t go back to him

- He manipulated you so many times. - Threatened to leave so often. - Made you feel so small.  - Lied multiple times. - Threatened to hurt himself to get your attention. - Threw a fit when he didn’t get what he wanted. - If he didn’t feel like talking to you, he wouldn’t. - Never resolved anything by talking it out. It would take so much effort from you to work it out.  - You said sorry way too often for something that wasn’t your fault.  - You weren’t truly happy anymore. - You wanted to always be around other people with him because he was better when he was around other people and would be nicer to you around them. - You were just so good to him, giving him everything but he never returned the favor. - You thought of him before yourself all the time. - Your anxiety got so much worse because of him.  - Your anxiety caused your immune system to be weak.  - Your anxiety was triggered when you were with him.  - You always feared your future when you saw him in it.  - He was always angry with how you were and easily annoyed.

[i-am-all-extremes]

5/21/2020 Thoughts

I’m here scrolling through my instagram and see this nurse that got COVID and along with that her mom getting COVID. Just makes me so thankful for my life right now. These past 2 months have been such a battle for me physically and mentally. Recovering from COVID is no joke. I am jealous of healthy people, jealous of people with strong immune systems, jealous of people who have made a 100% recovery. While I’m here having chest pains on the daily and just body aches over all. I’m still very grateful I am alive and for most of the part well. Also very very thankful that my parents are fully recovered and well. That everyone who is in my life that has contracted it, has survived and doing great. I just think this world has def changed and it’s going to be hard to ever get back to normal. My constant worries are my health, and I never really used to obsess over my health like this. Now I’m here thinking i have cancer, lupus, heart attacks, everything bad. My anxiety has gotten the best of me and it continues to. There are moments where I’m not thinking of it, but I know at least a couple times i day I google symptoms and just worry. It’s always in the back of my head. It’s hard to just ground myself at times, then I end up messaging my doctor about everything. I mean I definitely want to know what’s going on with my body, but it has taken over my brain. I just don’t wanna worry 24/7 about my health. I want to be able to think about other things. I want my mind to be at peace. I want a vaccine. I want everyone to start taking proper precautions. I need COVID to end.

[serious]

if you want him, let him know before it’s too late because time waits for nobody

[poetic]

[bando--grand-scamyon]

MESSAGE

[dripping-adorableness]

Whoo shit

[modernday-siren]

ooo bitch!

[kushandwizdom]

🌟

[i-am-all-extremes]

my view on: marriage at a young age

my definition of young age is before 24.

All i ask is how. why. are u sure?

it’s like leaving the party at 6pm. It’s like trying a few different foods and claiming that’s your favorite. how do you know if that’s the person you wanna be with forever? people constantly change at a young age... are you ready for that person to change? They say that the mind isnt fully developed till mid 20′s... how do u know this isn’t just an irrational decision? If you haven’t been with them even for a year... why do u want to go through with this? I can’t even make up my mind on a sweater and love it for a year.. can you love something that long?

[kushandwizdom]

I wish you would stop apologizing for having a heart that feels everything so deeply. It’s a gift, wear it proudly.

(via kushandwizdom)

[i-am-all-extremes]

ok, i can legit hold my liquor till it comes to vodka. It doesn’t even matter how many shots it is... like i will throw up in a couple hours. Forreal. I can do whiskey and tequila shots. But when i do any vodka... my body rejects it.

[wonting]

[1980vibes]

[i-am-all-extremes]

I’m just mad because all the younger girls in my fam getting dick and I’m not. Wtf is wrong with me. They’re 16, 17, & 18... Where’s mineeeee? ugh. Jealous of these girls. I give up. I can’t get dick. I’m ugly.

[spacexcowboyy]

I’m a mess but I’ll treat you right

[psychquotesss]

You can love a monster, it can even love you back, but that doesn’t change its nature.

Eliza Crewe, Crushed (via thatkindofwoman)