#12.28.25

[ledwinged]

[ledwinged]

[ledwinged]

[ledwinged]

[livingstill]

[siriuslymooned]

And yet I dont know how to stop . We broke up and I moved out yesterday... wasnt even fully moved in. I dont wanna lose him ✨️

[truc0nfessionz]

there is so much sadness and hurt inside my human body, it’s kind of unreal

sometimes i feel this restlessness, this dull ache of melancholy and pang of grief, and it feels like an old friend i can’t quite remember

but when i reopen this journal and i read the words ive written here, im devastated for me. i remember that this same body held itself together (even just barely) in the deepest grips of evil. in the throes of narcissistic and physical abuse.

this body who fought time and time again for someone that constantly changed the score. and you might ask why i would do that. it’s really a good question

i guess we can all only be who we are. flaws and all. it sounds so stupid but we do what we feel is necessary to find love and keep it

and although i’m free from that actual situation my mind still feels broken. i still feel frazzled from where that situation burned my nerves to pieces

so i just do my best, but some days i don’t win. some days i still question my sanity. i struggle to understand other people and myself. i stay looking for answers that will help me repair

but god damn am i sad for me sometimes.

i really didn’t deserve what happened to me. i didn’t deserve any of the terrible things that have happened to me. and the fear and the energetic aftermath of those events still lives inside me. still haunts the dark corners of my brain. still pops up in a flash of memory in this house i occupy at the very scene of the crime.

and holy shit i am sad for me.

it’s weird cause i feel like no one understands this but me. i still try to communicate but it’s almost too painful to explain.

i guess it comes out in misinterpreted emotional responses and sensitivities.

sometimes a small thing happens but mentally it makes me spiral so far. despite all my success and the love i give, im still just a little girl who never received love without a price. so i guess i was well set up for an abuser or two to find. i knew that receiving love cost things, and i always had to pay.

i’ve also been told often i didn’t deserve love. because im too much. because im inherently flawed or imperfect. because i have a really long history of trauma and it does impact my emotional responses.

it’s always hurt me that people will sooner write me off for being dramatic or problematic than try to understand where i’m coming from or where ive been.

and that’s the story of my life.

i truly do believe that for some reason it’s really hard for people to understand how i feel. and maybe that’s my fault? maybe i can’t communicate well or don’t do it right. but i’ve always just wished for someone to understand me instead of judge.

maybe people just think that i’m pretty and a brat and everything is always easy for me. maybe because im successful they can’t imagine me needing help either. but quite simply, all i’ve ever wanted was to be loved and understood for who i am and not for what i can do for someone.

[kontadodju]

Two manga things I saw recently that I wanna read:

Wicked Spot (I saw it has a Blk woman in it that’s actually drawn like a human being 😭 bar is in hell 😭. Otherwise i believe it’s about gay women attacking things so obvi im 100% down to check it out from that)

Phantom Busters (saw panels on Pinterest it seemed interesting. About boys eating ghosts apparently 😭)