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They want me to talk about us, they want me to talk about the future and where we’re going.

So here is my speech.

I have no idea.

I have no earthly clue to what we are going to do with the rest of our lives. All I know is where we’ve been and what we are. We are the ones who made it.We are the survivors. I know that may seem crazy to those who have already graduated. It used to be getting good grades and scoring a good college was all you needed to do. That’s not true now. We don’t care about that. We just care about living. We just don’t want to die.

There are those not with us. There are people who literally didn’t make it through high school alive. We are the ones who made it, so we have an obligation now. We have an obligation to ourselves and to the world. We have to love and fight and to do stupid things and just live. We have to live for those who can’t. That’s our job now, and it’s not fair. Life just isn’t fair.

The world sucks, and everyone knows it. Kids kill kids, people are spit on because of things as stupid as skin color or who they love, the people who have everything refuse to share with those who have nothing, and no one does a thing. I see people much older than me just shake their heads and say ‘Oh well, that’s life. Not much we can do about it.’

That is not life!

You want to make the world a better place? Do it. You want to be a better person? Be it. Those of us here, those of us who have survived, we know. We know the truth about the world, and we aren’t going to be lied to anymore. We aren’t going to be told that the problem is too big or there is only so much one person can do. We aren’t going to accept there is a time and place for things, and that someday they will get better. The place is here, and the time is now.

We are tired of your world. We are sick of your hatred and your bigotry and of your bullshit. We are not going to stand for it anymore—we won’t. We are going to go out into the world, and we are going to change it, one person at a time. We are going to meet people, and we are going to tell them these stories from where we grew up, and we are going to share them. And one by one we will change the way people think about the world and the people in it. One by one we will find hatred and intolerance, and we will destroy it. We are going to go out into the world, and we are going to find those people who are filled with hatred, and we are going to tell them their time is done here. That we will not tolerate that crap anymore.

You want to know who we are and where we are going? We are coming for you, and we are coming for your world, and we are pissed. If you stand for hate and for discrimination and you can’t see that all people are worth something, then know this. We are the graduating class of Foster High, and your days are numbered. We are the ones who survived!

#john goode #tales from foster high #151 days #school shooting

“So this is it,” Charlie said as I stuffed my last pair of jeans into a duffel bag.

I looked around the small berthing area that had been my room for the last four years and nodded. “Yep, this is it.”

This was my last day in the Navy and it seemed that everyone was having a moment.

Except me.

“So what? He doesn't even know you're out?” he asked already knowing the answer.

“No one knows, Charlie. That's the whole point.”

He was sitting on the edge of his bunk. “What if he says no?”

I paused and then smiled. “He won't.”

“But what if he does?”

“He won't.” I said again zipping up my bag.

“But let's say he did say no, what then?” Charlie didn't always know when to stop asking questions. I thought for a second how much two-year-old Charlie's questions must have driven his parents crazy.

I looked him dead in the face and told him honestly, “Then I'd spend the rest of my life crying and being miserable. But he won't.”

Now Charlie took a few seconds to think about what I had said. “How do you know?”

I hoisted my duffel bag onto my shoulder and gave him my best Graymark grin. “Cause he's my guy.” Maybe half a dozen goodbyes followed me as I walked down the gangway. Tons of people who had been like family to me over the past four years because we had all been stuffed together into this sardine can of a ship were suddenly going to be people I used to know.

For some people the military is a way of life, the center of their universe. It had never been that for me. I was proud to have served in the Navy and I loved my time here but the center of my universe was not on a ship.

The center of my universe has always been Kyle.

"Hey, Graymark! Over here!" I shot a look toward the voice and grinned.

One of the guys had volunteered to drive me to the airport instead of making me pay for a cab, which was nice. We didn't talk much during the ride over, just listened to music and made one-word comments. At the Departures ramp, I got out before he could get snagged in traffic and headed toward the doors. I heard him shout, “Go get him Fire Crotch!”

Oh yeah, I might have picked up a nickname while I was in the Navy, and, no, I have no desire to tell you how it happened. I made my way through the airport and got on the plane, the entire time my mind was counting down the time until I got back to him. I reclined into my seat in first class and thought about what Charlie had said. It wasn't like I'd lost Kyle, not like we had broken up or anything. Over the past four years we'd seen each other six or seven times when I had enough leave accumulated to get to him. Each time saying good bye was harder than the last.

The guys on the ship had warned me at the start that long distance relationships didn't work but as time went on, Kyle and I became the exception. If anything, over time we had grown stronger together. So I wasn't worried that he had moved on.

What I was thinking about was more important.

I would be asking him to start his life with me, and I wasn't sure he was ready for that.

When I left for boot camp, I told him I would just show up without warning, some day after I'd finished my Navy duty and ask him to spend the rest of his life with me. We hadn't talked about it since, both of us not wanting to tempt fate by making plans we might not be able to keep. Last month the navy made me a pretty attractive offer to re-up for another tour of duty, but as much as I loved military life, I loved Kyle more.

I knew who I was now, he had always known who he was. It was time to figure out who we were, together.

I landed in San Francisco and spent the next hour trying to figure out where the hell Kyle worked. Once I had the address, I got one of those Ubers to pick me up, since I had no idea where I was. While I waited, I changed my shirt and slipped on my bomber jacket that made me look so Top Gun, it wasn't funny.

The jacket alone could have gotten me laid anywhere in the United States, Hawaii and Alaska included. Kyle was going to make fun of it because he would know it was my second-generation letterman jacket. Which was entirely OK because, secretly all that leather was going to turn him on as much as it would anyone else.

A little purple, cube of a car pulled up and the driver leaned over to call out from the passenger window, “Please God, tell me I'm here to pick you up.”

I forced myself not to roll my eyes, I told you. This jacket was sex.

“Yeah.” I got into the back. “You know where this is?” I handed him the paper with the address on it.

He took it sight unseen, his gaze hadn't moved off of me. I had never been ogled so blatantly before and it was uncomfortable. “Um, can you get us there?”

He glanced at the paper and nodded. “I can take you anywhere you want.”

I just smiled politely as he turned around and began driving. “So military, huh?” he asked with a lewd smile.

That's what I get for putting on my gray athletic t-shirt that had NAVY printed across my chest. I nodded. “Yeah, just got out.”

“Oh really? What brings you here, then?”

Well, he wanted to know.

“I'm here to tell my longtime boyfriend that I think we should move in together.”

Several emotions danced across his face as he digested what I had said.

“You're gay?” I nodded. “And you got out of the military?” Another nod. “And you have a long time boyfriend?” Third nod. “He better be a fucking model.” was all he muttered as he started looking at the road.

What did I say? My jacket was like catnip and the whole world was my cat.

He pulled up in front of a large building and rattled off what I owed him. As I got out he called after me. “If he says no, he's insane.” I told him thanks and he added. “If he does say no, here's my number.”

“Thanks again.” I said, putting the number in my pocket.

He drove off, after taking his own sweet time to look me up from head to toe.

OK, maybe the jacket was a mistake.

I walked into the lobby and asked the guy at the front desk if Kyle Stilleno was in the building. He looked at his computer and nodded and asked if I needed to talk to him. I looked at the time; it was 4:40 and I was pretty sure he said he got out at five. “I'm good, thanks.”

I walked out and looked around for a place to wait.

There were a couple of benches, and a fountain and then I saw it, a lamp post at the corner of the sidewalk leading out of the building. I leaned up against it and made sure I would be visible from the front door when he walked out.

And I waited. The clock in my mind had slowed down, and the past four years had faded away almost as if they'd never been. For a couple of minutes, everything was silent around and inside me and just like that I was no longer almost 23 and a veteran of the Navy, I had not seen five different countries and ate weird food in each of them. I had not spent countless nights looking up at the photos taped to the ceiling of my bunk and wondered if I made the right choice or not.

Instead I was the same guy standing next to a high school locker, wondering if I was about to make a huge mistake. I was wondering if I was about to fuck up again and put my trust in something I wasn't sure of. Spend the rest of our life together? I hadn't even owned a dog and I wanted to ask him about forever?

While I fretted, I pulled out the chain necklace I wore around my neck and looked at what was attached to it; my dog tags of course, then the 81 cents Kyle had given to me one Christmas, and lastly, my class ring. He had given it to me when I left for boot camp four years ago. I had been stunned when he held it out to me.

“But, we aren't breaking up.” I told him, not reaching out to take it.

“I know. But it's your ring and if we don't stay together, I don't want you out a class ring.”

“You don't think we're going to get back together?”

He shrugged, which was Kyle for yes.

“I told you, one day you are going to turn around and I'll be there.”

He sighed. “Fine, then take the ring and give it back on that day. Because if you change your mind or whatever I don't want this thing reminding me I fucked up and lost the best guy I had ever met.”

I could see the tears forming in his eyes and I leaned toward him and pulled him into a hug. “You didn't fuck up anything. This is for the best, Kyle.” He just stood there and cried. “I'm coming back.” He nodded but I could see he didn't believe it. “Fine, I'll take the ring, but when I give it back, you can never worry that I don't want to be with you again. Got it?” He nodded and I took the ring.

Now I took it off my chain and slipped it in my pocket.

A little after five people came pouring out of the building, by ones and tens. None of them was Kyle. I wondered if I was standing in front of the wrong exit when he walked out with Teddy.

He looked so hot in his suit.

I could have jumped him right there he was so fuckable, but instead I just leaned against the pole, waiting for him to notice me. Teddy had stopped to dig out something from his satchel and Kyle began looking around. He looked right past me. I waited.

He did one of the fastest double takes I've ever seen as he stared right back at me.

I smiled and for a moment time stopped. Nothing else existed in the universe but us; and we were both OK with that.

He pushed his briefcase at Teddy and walked over to me. I waited until he was closer. “Hi.”

All he could say was. “Hey,” as he took another couple of steps towards me.

“Wanna spend the rest of our lives together?” It took every bit of control I had to keep from exploding. I needed to hug him so bad.

“Thought you’d never ask,” he said, putting his arms around me and giving me a kiss so intense that it might have went back in time just to prove that this was the actual reason I became gay. Just to love this man.

“You're really here,” he murmured once we had that first kiss out of the way.

“I am, like I said I would be.”

His smile was as wide as I had ever seen it. Then he tipped his face to the side and made a guess.

“You're out?”

“I am.”

“And you didn't tell me?”

“I wanted to see the look on your face when I gave this back,” and I handed him my ring.

Tears welled up as he put it back on. “God, I haven't seen this...”

“Told you I'd be back.”

“I love you,” he blurted out.

I knew exactly how he felt.

#john goode #tales from foster high #End of the Innocence #151 days #When I Grow Up #dream of a waking man