May 16, 2025
ZAYN - What I Am (Live From Mexico City)
seen from Bulgaria
seen from Nepal
seen from Philippines
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Russia
seen from Ukraine
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Paraguay
seen from China
seen from Mexico
seen from United States
ZAYN - What I Am (Live From Mexico City)
"J'ai envie de chocolat." Parfois, c'est juste ma façon de te dire que ça ne va pas.
Via inzayn’s Instagram Story - 16/05
I am doing so much better today than last week. During the day I hit my lowest recorded weight I was also crying seemingly with little promoting and feeling all over the place. I worry so much about over scheduling myself and being too busy but I don't know if I need to be so worried about that. Things will pan out with work if I just let them, I think. And I think I have to start expanding my experiences and trusting my ability to bow put gracefully from social stuff if it really does get too much. I'm not sure why I developed into this phase of distancing but that's what it is. I think I am ultimately frightened of burning out. Which is a worthwhile thing to fear and be wary of. I have also hit that wall myself more than once and seen loved ones hit it. I do worry I have that tendency but maybe I have outgrown it with awareness over time? Maybe I can now trust my instincts instead of dialing it back each time on the assumption my instinct will be too extreme. I wonder though how much my previous two burnouts (thinking of those two instant examples that occur) could have been avoided by me being fucking chill and managing time better? I can't even think back properly to the times because of the way stress warps your memories. Also, being surrounded by a subgroup of weird competitive people for hours a week more than you want (ideally zero) cannot be helpful for being chill. I do feel like a very different person now. I am wary of this being hormonal, maybe I'm getting a micro dose of the hell my bio mother seemed to have with her mood on her menstrual cycle.
I’m getting reminder on reminder that I’m loved. I’m so grateful and it lightens my mood. Yet there’s this gnawing hole in my torso that grows bigger, digs deeper every day and I have no idea what it is, nor how to get rid of it. I hate it I hate it I hate it
My friends love me, my family loves me, even got a reminder today that my coworkers miss me so incredibly that they told my mom (my coworker met her at the store) “YOU HAVE TO TELL LENE WE MISS HER SO MUCH! She makes such a positive impact at work and sure the kids miss her too, but WE MISS HER SO MUCH!” And a bunch of more kind words from them. My best friend telling me how important I am to him, and to please say it if there’s anything he can do to help.
I am this loved and still. STILL, there is this heavy, choking feeling in me. Makes my inside vibrate, makes my head heavy, makes me feel the contours of my brain, makes me feel the bones in my body.
The feeling is red, green and black.
My eyelids are so heavy and I cannot fall asleep. My body won’t stop cracking. Every position is uncomfortable. I want to be at my bubbliest again. Yet every interaction right now I feel like I am a burden, more like a heavy shadow than anything else. Looming, spreading disease.
I’m having more than emotional flashbacks lately. I’m twelve, maybe thirteen. And I almost got away.
The thing is I am not insecure. I am pretty, I don’t have any problem regarding my looks or body. I am bubbly and a great yapper. I am creative and quick witted with replies and jokes. I love flirting, sex, loud music and alcohol.
I don’t feel like myself right now. I haven’t since early December.
Feels like I have bugs in my bones. I feel rotten, decaying. I hate that thing that has haunted me since I was four, maybe three. It sounds so dumb, so cringe. But there is this creature that wishes me harm and it tortures me. Hunting me like prey, and no matter what I do it has the upper hand. Like an endless maze I have tried to get rid of it but it keeps coming back and I am so exhausted. It hides in shadows, and in plain sight. I can’t exactly see it but I feel it’s present, and I can see it ever so slightly in my loved ones, friends, family. I know it isn’t real. I wish it would stop.
I cant even word myself properly in this post.
Kardeşime attığım ses kaydında yaptığım bi espriye o kadar çok güldüm ki kendi kaydımı dönüp dönüp dinleyip gülüyorum hwhwhheheh çok eğlendim akşam akşam