#17.2.2026

[should-know-better]

Lust For Life!

X violetmoonlight_ on Instagram

[septentrrional]

Tătărani, Prahova, Romania

17th February 2026

[septentrrional]

Yesterday I found out grandpa has been in a coma for past 3 weeks. He had a stroke. Since yesterday he is also intubated. My parents didnt tell me not to fuck up my vacation

It took me a few hours to internalize it, because I also have the shit job situation I have to handle, but now at night it hit me...

Grandpa loves me (and all his children and grandchildren) a lot. He is such a character. Mom always tells me (she thinks in a bad way) "I am like him". She thinks that means mean. To me that's something I'm proud of.

Grandpa:

- was the first to help you if he thought you needed it. Which is why many times I had to keep him from telephone scammers.. (who told him I was in some trouble)

- grandpa had a big heart to help everyone. And at the same time he had a kin sense of justice and to /physically/ deal with whoever took advantage of his kindness

- grandpa has been living alone (with visits from us) for almost 27 years since his wife died. And he did extremely well

- grandpa beat the shit out of way younger people who tried to take advantage of him

- grandpa has quit smoking completely for maybe 20 years

- grandpa has quit drinking completely for maybe 15 years

- grandpa didn't have to see a doctor until he was in his 60s

- grandpa had the gate of his yard blocked at a time I took him home. I jumped the fence to search for tools to unblock it. Grandpa jumped too after me, to my shock. He was 80.

- grandpa paid a part of my college education. Without him it would likely not have been possible

- grandpa paid for my driving lessons

- mom says he never loved his wife, but 26 years after her death he still talked about her and how losing her was the trouble of his life

- grandpa beat the shit out of one guy at my mother's wedding coz the guy was direspectful

- grandpa had a way to see life. In very simple term in his uneducated mine. But in very fair terms. And with a huge heart

- whenever I was visiting grandpa, and it was time for me to leave, he would wait and watch me in front of the yard until I left the street. The street is long.

- he was such a character. He knows I don't like kisses. Never did. He always insisted on kissing me.

- he never stoped improving his house and yard. Mom was complaining why does he do that in old age. Coz he likes to have things. He likes to be confortable. He doesn't feel old. He's investing in his future.

- he worked a lot, even in old age. He had a full garden, plenty of animals and up until a few years ago he did a lot of work in the field. People 20 years younger than him were not as fit as he was.

- he liked to live life. Music, good food, women, everything - even in old age

I do want to be like my grandpa. I wish in old age I was like him. Telling me I'm like grandpa is a source of pride, not an insult!

I've last seen him on the last day of November. I asked my parents (and aunt and uncle) to visit him. As soon as I caught a break with the mess in my life I wanted to see him because I didn't in a few months and I was afraid something might happen to him while I was going on a long vacation. I was right unfortunately.. and the last memory of him is him watching us as I drove the car off.

I don't want to visit him while he is in a coma. I want my last memory of him to be positive.

I rarely talked to him on the phone. But that's because I almost never talk on the phone..

Now he's been in a coma for 3 weeks. He's recently intubated (so I understand it gets worse). Realistically, I am afraid he won't survive. If he does, I am sure he will be handicapated. My first thought when I heared it is so severe was I hope he dies. And honestly, I still hope so. Coz I know he can't be back the way I know him. And he was such an independent person, I don't think he would want to be in that miserable state.. in fact one of the last things I remember him saying was about a surgery he thought you "are not human anymore after" (it was a simple surgery and he was wrong about it, and it was not about him, but it shows his dislike and fear of being incapacitated).

Yet, it is hard to internalize the man I admire so much and who loved me tremendously will soon be gone. At least I am sure he can't feel pain now. And this is how I lose one more person who loved me. And he loved me a lot, probably as much as my parents do, and unfortunately nobody loves me more than them.

I love you, grandpa!

17th February 2026

[prosy-days]

February 17, 2026 - Day 243

I remembered it was pancake day and stopped to get some items to make a full feast for it.

[puregrief]

بتضايق أوي لما حد بيسألني "أنتِ مش واثقة فيّا؟" يا عم أنا واثقة في نفسي بالعافية ومش طول الوقت كمان.