Day 7/184
Dear Friends, Peers, & Strangers,
Today has been an adventure, but it’s my adventure. I can’t help but wonder why everything comes to an end. Not just the good things, but the bad too. When does closure start? A quote immediately comes to mind. “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened”. I never think of any relationship as a waste, no matter what happens in the time frame. I think of all relationships as a lesson. My relationship with Jesse taught me to always appreciate the small movie like moments in relationships. The one with Miranda taught me to pace myself with whatever I do because things go by quickly. And my recent partner taught me something as well, I just realized today. Give someone your all, no matter what you’ve been through, no matter how scared you are. Life is short and if you spend so much time building walls, you’ll never see what’s right there. Sometimes good things slips aways, and sometimes it’s just the way things were supposed to happen. Sometimes you just have to wave the white flag.
I went over to my friend Michael’s house to play video games, watch movies and smoke weed. I don’t do drugs a lot, it’s just been a lot recently. It gets me out of my head when I over think. We were just playing Grand Theft Auto V and watching dumb movies. Eating pizza with half my toppings and half their toppings. Hours go by and I check my phone, it’s my previous partner’s cousin. She’s a sweet ally and always supported our relationship. I get a text that reads “Hey. Did you see what Sarah posted on Tumblr?”. I responded “No? What did they post?” and I immediately search up their Tumblr. Michael is too distracted and high to realize that my heart is racing and I am getting super anxious. The post is titled “Moving On”. The post talks about how they love me and how they’ve supported me and risked so much for me. How I stomped on their heart like it was nothing. How I ruined the relationship before it ended and asking how i could be mad for them kissing someone’s cheek at the club and having them tell me. They end the post saying that they will never get back together with me, they aren’t going to read my posts anymore, and that I hope I find someone that treats me perfectly. I tell Michael that I feel like going home and he offers to pay for an Uber. I politely declined. He asked if he could walk me part way and I said I would be fine. I really just wanted to be by myself and walk. It was finally over.
Next thing I know Im walking down a street with cars zooming past me and to my right I see a playground. I plop down on a bench and pull out my phone. I begin to call Arianna. She picks up “Hey I’m at work, can I call you later?” and I start crying a little, apologize and hang up. I stare up at the clouds for a little bit, watching them shift from one abstract shape to the next. I look back down at my phone and text Rach, a really good friend. I guarantee she will make an amazing Social Worker on day. After texting her back and forth, I continue walking the long way back to my house stoned out of my mind. I call Becca pulling her put of her LGBTQ+ meeting she was running to ramble about how I was feeling. I feel depressed about knowing that I can no longer mend the relationship Sarah and I once had. I go upstairs to change out of clothes that smell like poor choices and sit on the couch. Of course right as I sit down, my family tells me to get up and go for dinner with them. Dinner was boring and average, was my dad’s birthday dinner though. I go for a drive with my sister Drue and talk about the break up. We talk in depth about relationships and Drue talks about how I very happy with them, but how I deserve a mature relationship where I meet the parent and blend with the family. I guess I never got that.
It’s the final push to do something and not feel like a bad person. I walked into Spencer’s and asked this cute gay chick for her info so I could talk her out sometime. It felt so weird, but I tried to be smooth. She gave me her facebook to talk to her on for the meantime. I don’t plan on dating anyone for anytime soon. But for once I didn’t have this guilt that I took with me when I left Sarah. For the first time in two week, I felt like I could breathe.
