#2.13.25

[brianajungwirthinstagram]

Briana via her IG story 🖤

February 13, 2025

[kontadodju]

I think I’m maybe successfully making a friend from using that dating app 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[thatfriendlyanon]

i'm tired of writing in circles so all i have to say is this: i don't know what i'm supposed to do. fear feels more like a cloud than a bomb waiting to explode, which is nice in comparison. the daily panic attacks from a year ago have disappeared and i don't know why. fatigue is no longer an oppressive companion, though i wish i knew why it left & why it came. these are good things. so i listen to andrew peterson on repeat until i have strength enough to rejoice. i call my friend and laugh, i call my mum and cry. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't want to be the reason something dies. i have been a bad parent to my little girls, a bad replier to texts, a bad person at regulating my emotions & managing my expectations & communicating my needs. i want to be good. i want to write something and have it actually give me some release. i find comfort in stories & candles & music & tea. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. regardless, i am loved by Love. regardless, i am loved by Love. i am loved by Love i am loved by Love i am loved i am loved i am loved by Perfect Love. i don't know what i'm supposed to do except be loved.

[thefreelanceshamesquad]

To the delight of myself and maybe 3 other people, I did a little Silas Undergrove fanart!

I assume that it basically stayed the same level of amused and puzzled from the moment it stepped into that Denny's in ep. 15.

[kontadodju]

Why is discord constantly updating I swear every time I open it on desktop there’s a million updates

[purenumbers]

2/13/25

2 + (1 * 3) = √25

Also:

2 - 1 + 3! = 2 + 5

[truc0nfessionz]

wishy washy + unsupported

stream of consciousness on wishy washy -

honestly, K is the first things that comes to mind. shes been so inconsistent in my life for the last year or two. its hurtful because i know i dont deserve that, ive done nothing but be a good friend to her for 15 years and i'm struggling to understand why that's changed. why i'm not worth showing up for. why can she show up for my birthday and give me false hope, only to disappear again and not give a fuck? she can train for a whole half marathon (and i love that for her), but she can't text me ever? after she knew that her lack of efforts put us in this position? i feel like i have to call it. i can't wait any longer on her being wishy washy. i have to cut myself out of the equation because it hurts me too much. i have to come to terms with the fact that i literally don't have a single female friend in the city of austin and my heart breaks over that if i'm truly honest. it's been a long time since i went through a bad friend breakup and i didn't handle it well the last time (granted, i was in high school). and at 31, i have to say this hurts a lot more because we're too grown for this. she of all people knows me and i honestly don't understand why i'm not worth caring about anymore. why i'm not worth reaching out to anymore. i literally have done nothing but love this person beyond their ability and i can never get that time or energy back. i poured it into them because i loved them so dearly and so greatly, and now we're just gonna be people who used to really love each other. i'm so angry and sad i can't really process it. it feels bigger than my heart, bigger than my body. but i don't have a choice. i can't fight for something she gave up on long ago, it wouldn't make any sense to do so. but if i'm honest my heart feels broken. the disbelief is starting to wear off and i'm so fucking sad and angry that she's chosen this. i truly thought this person was my best friend for life and now i have no friends. or like 2 friends but i can never replace her. it would be trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, they could never be a female or my best friend of 15 years, they just couldn't. but i keep telling myself to let it go with love. anyone who really saw me and valued me wouldn't do this to me, and even if it hurts i have to release myself from the situation. the expectation for her to give a fuck about me is obviously way too high for her to meet.

and on unsupported - shit, this just feels like a continuation of wishy washy. at the end of the day, i don't have the support system i once had. before my 30th birthday i would've told you that i had the most loving partner and best friend in the world. and now, i basically have neither. i feel like i have nothing compared to what it used to be. and i'm happy Ivy and i have had a good month and we're in a good place, but i still fully have terror in my body that "the other shoe" will drop at some point and i'll be fully unsupported again. i don't know if people understand how hard it is to go through this life and feel unsupported. it feels like your'e a ghost walking among humans. where the slightest gust of wind will blow you into oblivion. but at the same time, it feels like you're a walking fortress and you have to try to have such a tough exterior even though what lies inside is weak from fatigue.

i really am broken by this. i am shattered. i have lost so many beautiful people in my life over the years and i don't know if i'll ever get over this one. and its so lonely and isolating because i have so few other friends at all. and i know this will be more painful for me in the short term - because i have no other friends here and she is surrounded by communities of people. but in the end i will heal, i will get stronger and i will be better. and i know it will haunt her all her days to have lost a friend like me.

[kontadodju]

Stop saying everyone on this website has moral OCD Jesus Christ that’s simply not plausible