#2.23.23

[hejkatie]

it's Friday

I'm exhausted after the week

My boy is in school and I think I may take a quick rest

All is calm for the moment and quiet

And I'm reflecting on our baby Quinn who would be one year old today 🙏🏼🥲

[brianajungwirthinstagram]

Briana followed these accounts | February 23, 2023

[romantic-reveries]

Just had a guy tell me he’s falling in love with me and like—is this what they mean by fuck around and find out?

It’s all so annoyingly serendipitous. He’s been weirdly good for me on the heels of B. He’s so verbally validating and affectionate. He’s this weird culmination of manifestations—I’d been wanting someone to fool around with who would dirty talk me straight out of my mind, and boom, there he was. It literally makes me feel drunk, and the orgasms? My god.

With B, we’d stay on the phone until we decided we were gonna sleep, and I would sometimes wish we could stay on the phone until we fell asleep—all night. Maybe wake up together. This one asked me to do that only a few days in. Something I’ve wanted—not specifically with B, but I did think about it with him—was one day with a partner, to read to each other. Read poetry or a book or something. And when B and I decided to have a two-person book club, I thought ‘maybe’. This one asked me if I wanted him to read to me within the first few nights, and recently, asked me to read to him. And he recited a poem to me from memory.

But he’s not what I would want for a relationship. Even if I weren’t still hung up on B, this one is so… emotionally tumultuous. I’ve worked so damn hard to heal and be better. I need a partner who is stable. I can’t fix someone, and I don’t want to have to. I deserve someone who has already done the fixing themselves. And this one tries—I have to give him that. He said part of what attracts him to me is that I’m so emotionally stable and level, which is… weirdly validating, but again, like a really weird fucking mirror of the situation with B. Like the other side of a coin, and now I’m the healthy one, observing myself in someone else’s body.

I went from wanting someone stable to being that to someone else. And this guy, he lives three hours further from me than B did, and yet he’s saying the drive is no big deal—that if we met, if we ended up dating, he’d come to me, or he’d come pick me up and bring me to stay with him for a week (which would be a 20 hour drive, all told, here and back twice.) That feels like an insane ask. Which, he just flew to Europe a few months ago to meet a girl he started dating online, so yeah, I guess—what’s five hours to him?

It’s just—so weirdly paralleled it’s fucking mind-boggling. And he reminds me a lot of me. A more unhealed version of me, with worse mood swings than I ever had, but the same struggles nonetheless. He even mentioned how he wants someone emotionally stable, which “maybe makes him sound like an asshole”, and maybe isn’t fair since he “has issues too” and I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been thinking for myself lately. I even said as much to someone, that maybe it was unfair of me to feel that way since I have issues too, but I’ve worked so hard to heal.

And then I was talking with my grandma last night before bed, and I mentioned, realizing how much this guy likes me and I don’t feel insecure or anything except for the occasional moment when I suddenly feel very attached, how it’s all a perspective game based on old emotional patterns (unworthiness, mostly) that’s breeding those feelings of insecurity. It’s not about the other person, it’s about me. How I was drowning in it with B because I liked him so much it made me insecure and irrational. How I suddenly realized how much of what happened was kind of my fault for getting so in my head. Anyway, when I mentioned this guy having feelings for me, she said something to the effect of not wanting to lead him on, and I said I wasn’t, he knew how I felt, I’ve been very upfront, he’s even said he doesn’t know what he wants, etc etc.

Just to get on the phone with him and him drop that on me. The timing was uncanny.

I can’t help but feel like this was supposed to happen like this. Like I needed to learn from it, and I am.

I even had an insane epiphany about B after that conversation last night. I feel this sense of pattern more keenly than I ever have. I’ve often felt like a metaphorical ping pong ball, disorganized and bouncing all over the place. This is the first time it’s felt so methodical. Like there’s a method to this madness called life.

I realized with B, that while I thought I was being “realistic” about things in trying to keep myself safe, I actually was just running scared. I was feeling rejected and I wanted to cut things off before he could, because I felt so sure that he would. I didn’t feel good enough for him partly because I liked him so much (which always makes me insecure because it’s sort of putting someone on a pedestal), but also because he was so stable and put-together that it didn’t make sense to me for him to want me. I was afraid that if he changed his mind, having all of these great qualities that I admired, and knowing me probably better than anyone bar my grandma, that it would reaffirm that I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t about him—it was about me. I’m accountable for my own feelings. But I made them his problem, and I assumed the worst of him based on past experiences with other people and that was excruciatingly unfair of me.

And I feel so light, realizing that. Because I haven’t really quite been able to flesh it out ‘til now. I knew I reacted how I did out of fear and because I didn’t feel good enough. But I couldn’t quite parse it out to that level and really understand it, and I do now, and it’s liberating and wonderful to know.

[purenumbers]

2/23/23

2 + 2 - 3 + 2 = 3

Also:

2 * 2 * 3 / 2 = 3!

[bbash-shell]

SqLAさん誕生日おめでとう。19チームも参加する大規模なカスタム戦に誘ってもらえて繋がった縁。知り合いが何人かカスタムに出るっていうから、完全に応援に回ろうとしてたところに声をかけてもらえて、あの時は本当にびっくりした。うるはは俺のことを知ってただろうけど、SqLAさんとは全く面識がなかったから「俺でいいの？」という気持ちが正直大きかったけれど。あたたかく迎え入れてくれて、当日楽しんでやろうって言ってもらえたのが嬉しかった。あの時はどーも。

エペを数回やっただけで、まだそんなに濃い話も出来てないけど、ひたすらに面白い人だなって印象。頭に浮かんだことぽっと口からこぼしてるんだろうなぁと思う。3人でやるエペって結構静かで真剣なんだけど、SqLAさんが不意に「〇〇ってどう思う？」って何の脈絡もなく言うから一気に気が緩む感じ。もちろん良い意味でね。場の雰囲気がやわらかいものに変わる。空気を変えるのって実は難しいことだと俺は思ってるんだけど、SqLAさんはそれを自然とできる人なんだなって勝手に感じてる。SqLAさんとうるはは仲が良いみたいだから、もしそこに俺が混ざることに対して気を遣わせてしまってたらごめんね。でも、俺の発言に笑ってくれたり何かしらリアクションを返してくれるから、楽しいと思ってくれてたら嬉しいな。ゲーム内では2人にキャリーされるばっかりで役に立つことは出来ないかもしれないんだけど、2人ばっかりに負担がかからないように努めるつもり。楽しくやりつつも、ゲームには真剣に向き合いたいから、遠慮しないで俺のやることに口出してください。

とりあえずは今日の最後の練習と、25日のカスタム、「この伝説」として3人でめいっぱい楽しもう。もし可能であれば、またこの3人でエペ以外のゲームもやってみたいな。せっかく出会えたんだから、もっと色んなことをして、SqLAさんという人を更に深く知れたら嬉しい。あわよくば、SqLAさんの中で黛灰という存在が今よりも少しでも大きくなれたらいいな。